A Monk was selling flowers on the Playboy mansion grounds and no one but Hef could get him to leave...
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
[Credit to u/Vishalbharadwaj21] I have the high ground
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I hired someone to dig a hole in the ground to get water...
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
I was cleaning the coffee filter and forgot to rinse the grounds down the sink.
My wife comes up and asks me why I forgot to clean the sink. I said “What? Am I grounded?”
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
We found a dolphin skeleton on the beach, so we ground the bones to make some bread...
It was all-porpoise flour.
We drove to California and had a picnic on the beach. Had a great time, even though our waffles fell on the ground.
I'll always remember that sandy Eggo trip.
Every time my bike hurts me, I throw it down to the ground.
"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.
"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.
Found a baby blue jay on the ground. Not sure what to do with it.
My friend's bakery burned to the ground yesterday.
Now his business is toast.
At 11:59:59, don't forget to get your left foot off the ground.
That way you can start the new year on the right foot.
Why didn't the Australian marsupial climb down the tree to drink the beverage waiting for him on the ground?
I saw a woman who said to check her balance, I paused and wondered why she asked that but I checked her balance with a push and she tumbled to the ground. I shruged, got my bank statement and left the bank.
Do you know what Obama does if he sees a kid fall to the ground?
Well its simple... Obama cares
If the police pin someone to the ground, but they struggle to get away, do they become a...
?
rule 6 compliance section: >!It's an aluminum-shelled resistor. The person trying to escape would be a resistor, but would be put in a car, which are about 9 percent aluminum, if this shitty article I found online is to be believed: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/under-the-hood/auto-manufacturing/5-materials-used-in-auto-manufacturing3.htm the car would be the metal shell.!<
>!also I found online that walking at 5 km/h takes around 100W of energy, so I went with 200W because I figured trying to escape the police while prone probably takes around double the effort.!<
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
I found a nickel on the ground today and I have a feeling I’m going to find a penny later.
My daughter was acting up so I stuck one end of a piece if wire in the ground and told her to hold the other end.
Does anyone for how long ground beef has to be on the floor before it’s ready?
What did the ground say to the tree ?
I didn't like you at first but you're kinda growing on me.
My wife told me a cheese factory not that far from our house burnt down to the ground. I went to take a look to see it with my own eyes and she was right..
..all that was left was de brie.
What animal is very close to the ground
I grabbed a treebranch and threw it in the air.When it landed it lodged itself into the soil perpendicular to the ground.
I knew it would stick the landing.
A pot of noodle dough soup boiled over at the local Chinese restaurant and the place burned to the ground.
The insurance company determined it was a case of wonton negligence.
A man was arrested and taken to the ground, but broke his knee.
You could say he had a FellOnKnee
Wife (just now): I'm going to try using the rest of the ground chicken to make meatballs for lunch.
Me (just now): I wish you cluck.
I won't travel to the ground by escalators
What did the ground say to the dinosaurs footprint?
You made a big impression on me!
A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, the barman asks what he can get them and the man orders a pint for himself and 20 shots for the giraffe, the giraffe necks all 20 shots and falls on the ground, the man goes to leave the bar and the barman says "HEY, you can't leave that lyin there!"
The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"
Two hunters were driving to the hunting grounds when they saw a sign.
It said “Bear Left”, so they went home.
My uncle owned a bread factory then it burned to the ground, it was toast
I like sitting close to the ground
It really brings me down to Earth
As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant: First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant. Fill the hole with ashes. Line the hole with peas.
And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
One daughter to the other: “Why did you just fall on the ground?”
Me, a dad: “Because it would be really hard for her to fall off of it instead!”
When it comes to holes in the ground...
If you have a weaving loom which was suspended above the ground, and then you left it to your children when you died...
would you call it an heirloom air-loom?
My friends are digging a hole in the ground to get water out of.
So I sent them a 'Get well' card.
My nephew said he was trying to help out when he spilled a bucket of water from the hole in the ground...
At 11:59:59, don't forget to stand-up and lift your left foot off the ground.
That way you start the new year off on the right foot!
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