What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A Civil Serpent.

πŸ‘︎ 595
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know what happened to Jack Ma after he criticized the Chinese Government?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I found pictures of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shiva8512
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
an interesting title
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyYoda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard the government was putting chips inside of people.

Well mine better be sour cream and onion

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.

He's plotting a coo

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A group in Denmark is trying to convince the government to use old Legos to re-pave their highways...

...unfortunately, they've been running into a lot of road blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Only government...

Can screw you hard for a whole year before they even stimulate you

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.

They are preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerFluff27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How is a small municipality governed?

By an Itty Bitty City Committee

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between the government and the mafia?

The mafia can turn a profit!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostien
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a self governing group of hippos?

Hippotonomous

πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mangolimon3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My son and I are very immature when he is sitting on the toilet.

I asked him:

If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?

If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?

If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?

If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?

If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?

If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?

If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?

If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?

If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
The German government is calling for everybody to stock up on sausage and cheese in case of a second lockdown.

It's the Wurst-kΓ€se-scenario

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JFCBrouwer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Gravity Falls has the best puns
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IRONGOD2020
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The Government Accidentally Built A Prison Outside My Home,

I Guess You Could Say I'm Under House Arrest.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MichiMichu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians

It was a bombshell

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MRTJ115
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
After many years of designing, the government has released a new type of currency made out of herbs.

They spent a lot of thyme on it, but now it's mint.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...

I hope I get Doritos.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The government started banning alcoholic drinks, so I'm selling liquor in secret.

It's a Whisky business

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RevanAndTheSithy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The U. S. Government legally believes in demons.

After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madkins007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her Cagey B.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?

An authoritative write winged government.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaMusicista
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...

It's called the Santa Clause

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government

After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade

πŸ‘︎ 257
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Delliott90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Where I grew up, we had back-to-back violent attempts to overthrow the government.

It was coup coup

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the government arrest a rancher who fed cannabis to his cattle?

The stakes were too high.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
If the government banned cigarettes, I would shout slogans and protest

But I'm afraid I wouldn't have the lung capacity

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DearGrocery
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of government does a country full of extroverts have? A socialist government.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorOofMoment
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the only music allowed on US Government computers?

Al Gore rhythms.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maveri4201
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xnphls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If the government included a clutch of baby chickens along with the stimulus funds...

Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The czech government month and a half ago...
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/This-Is-De-Wae
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The government is making a regime change..

Damascus..Syria-sly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LAUGHgan1stan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If you get a message from the government warning not to eat tinned meat because is contains Covid-19, just ignore it.

It’s spam

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t like the government taking all my money. It’s taxing
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bismuth482
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the bacteria use the employee entrance?

Because they were staph

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/randomisedmind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The government is finally allowing Lego Land to reopen...

...kids are lining up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew the government was hiding something
πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what? I think I can.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the Native American crying in the outhouse?

Cause the government stole his TP

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sharetheroadplz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A train engineer believed a hospital ship was the site of secret government conspiracy and decides to ram it with his train.

Now that's what I call a loco-motive.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KROMATIXX_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Austrian government has banned gatherings of more than 5 people

They have been Austriacized..

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gregfrompayroll
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise

No one expects the Spanish ink sedition

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.

Because the government declared a rock down.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grahamdv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you want to know a joke about the Chinese government?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 965
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alphamaya43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How is a small municipality governed?

By an itty bitty city committee

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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