I tank most people would get this one.
Wife hit me with this one: she’s trying to get the baby down for a nap…
But she’s resisting a rest.
Reposting this one because it didn't get enough upvotes last time.
My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary?
Pardon me but I live in France and am writing this by Google Translate. Thank my God for modern day technology. I am speaking French into my phone this moment and I get the English translation. Father, if you are reading this, I need to tell you about my true sexuality and why I have no girlfriend.
Ladies should get this one…
I heard this story about a Papa Roach and a Mama Roach... the Mama Roach says, "What happens if you get sprayed with the Raid Roach Spray?"
SUFFOCATION.
NO BREATHING.
A few people will get this.
Only the real ones will get this.
My 7 yo son: Imagine this room has no doors or windows, how do you get out?
Me: Break the wall?
Him: Just wake up from your imagination.
Someone get this to Buzzfeed
Can I get a hand with this?
Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "get lost; we don't need your element in this establishment."
I rang the local builders this morning to get a quote for a new chimney.
They said you'll be looking 5 to 6 grand.
"6 THOUSAND POUNDS?!" I shouted.
"Yeah", came the reply.
"Blimey, I thought it'd be free" I said.
"FREE?! Why the hell would you think it'd be free?" questioned the builder.
I replied: "Because it's on the house".
A study has shown that women who get married at this time of year have a penchant for violence, and are six times as likely to murder their spouse
Beware the brides of March
Some of you will get this.
I have this joke where I get chutney and pickle mixed up.
Strawberry Jam: Athletes Get Stuck in International Food Fight | This article is jam-packed of fruit related puns. Please enjoy responsibly.
wsj.com/articles/what-hap…
Have you heard about this new meal plan from Leonardo DiCaprio? He used it to get in shape for all his roles, and now he’s letting everyone else in on it for $10 a month.
It’s called the Pay Leo Diet.
Maybe people of a certain age will get this seasonal themed pun?
At the checkout counter, I asked the cashier, "Ma'am, this has today's date. Can I get a discount?"
"Oh come on, do you want to buy the newspaper or not?"
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
You know, this happens every year. I tell myself it’s the end of the Christmas season and not to get too emotional. The holiday season has to end sometime and we have a whole new year ahead. But still, when I take down the tree…
I can’t help but get a little sappy.
Just made this up on the ride into work (sorry in advance).... In order to get their degree, dermatologists need some:
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
My girlfriend asked me to get my Christmas Spirit out this December
So I did
https://imgur.com/a/SvwzZnA
Some people will get this.
My daughter asked me to make up a Halloween joke and this is what I got. Why couldn’t the witch get into her house?
Because she lost her spo-keys
Just got a new puppy and this one came up… how does a dog get outside?
I didn't have to get her a gift for Christmas this year. She never used last year's gift.
And it was a very nice cemetery plot.
As this year is a big one, I wanted to get a tattoo for my birthday.
But on reflection, the garden is too small and I hate the sound of bagpipes
Edit - a tattoo is a also military performance. The most famous of which is done at Edinburgh Castle each year, replete with battalions of pipers
Ok, I get why the kids love this
If you get this one I'm sorry
I need some special clothes. My extended family is having a little get-together for Flag Day this year.
The attire is semaphormal.
“What do you get when you put a penis on one eye and a vagina on the other eye?” (FYI My 5 year old daughter made this up)
You know what you have to do this time of year to get leaves to fall from the tree?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
How old do you have to be to get this joke?
Giant stood at the top of the hill. Bellow the hill the people called Trids lived. When the trids would go up the hill the giant would just kick them back down the hill. Every time the trids would try and go up the mountain. So they went to a neighboring village and asked the rabbi there to help them. So the rabbi walks up the hill to the giant. Then when the giant didn’t kick the rabbi down the hill right away the rabbi was curious. He asked the giant why he hadn’t kicked him down the hill.
The giant said “silly rabbi kicks are for trids”.
Get it? How old are you?
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I admit it’s a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
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