I bought a German shepherd today and named him Lord.

Now I can truly say the Lord is my shepherd

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/den_nis3524
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Had to remove a load of German names and stuff from my pre-owned iPhone..

..It's Hans free now.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I found a specific hobby of adding alliteration to German philosophers’ names

Glad I found my Nietzsche niche

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plumsby
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.

Now, I'm completely Hans-free

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/feathersoft
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
His names was β€œGerman potato” written in German. After this he left the game and never returned.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vimed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I have two German friends named Wurst. They should never meet.

Unless worst comes to worst.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neurotichipster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, β€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, β€œare you a vet?”

He said, β€œvet? I’m fucking soaking”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rohanlahiri05
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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What did the sarcastic academic say when asked if he could name a single German philosopher?

β€œNo I Kant”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
German (Berlin) Sausage Truck needs a name!

What would you guys name a sausage and grilled cheese truck? I came here for obvious reasons. The truck's wrap depicts a sausage smashing the Berlin wall, if that helps.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uber_kitty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
🚨︎ report
As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"

His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a blind german?

Not see

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I just deleted the German names from my phone

Now it's Hans free

(Credit BBC World Service)

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phatskat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Whoops

At the Olympics, I saw a man carrying a long stick. β€œAre you a pole vaulter?” I asked.‬

β€ͺβ€œNo,” he replied. β€œI’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”‬

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpivLife
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a guy in a European airport, and he sees a man carrying a ten foot metal pole. He asks the guy, β€œAre you a pole vaulter?”

The man says, β€œActually, I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J3ST3RR
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
You could say German cities with a lot of people are...

krauted

πŸ‘︎ 476
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2076baseballbat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2017
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad told me this one today

There are two Olympians speaking to one another:

Olympian 1: Are you a pole vaulter?

Olympian 2:No, I am German but how did you know my name was Vaulter?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/euanmc06
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Great list of excellent puns

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crΓͺpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop

any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd

never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she

couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The

police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benschweiz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Two dogs

The Peruvian economist Hernando de Soto has (or had) two dogs named Marx and Engels because β€œthey are German, hairy and have no respect for property”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Are you Hungary [OC]

Are Ukraine your neck to Czech on the Turkey that they put down the Holland Finished with Chilli because there is Norway it will have Germans on it if you Russia to get there to Welsh and eat it because you're Hungary. Or will you let it die in Spain and leave Denmark on your name. If you do will you leave it on the Iraq and leave because Iran away to save my Korea.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDragon98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad joke my dad used to tell me... old joke

A Japanese auto company was looking for a name for their new company. Knowing the importance for the name they called the famous German marketing firm and flew him out for a meeting. At the end of the presentation the Japanese CEO asked if he had any questions. The German: How quickly do you need the new name Japanese CEO: 48 hours German: Dat-Soon!

Ba da ba

Yes it was a groaner

Edit: formatting fell through

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash662244
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
The Pole Vaulter

During the Olympics in Rio last year, a journalist was walking through the Olympic Village, and passed a guy carrying a long pole over his shoulder.

"Hi! Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No, I'm German, but how do you know my name?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stereoroid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
🚨︎ report
At Yellowstone and my Dad busts this out

(While we are watching Old Faithful)

Dad: Did you know each eruption of Old Faithful gets a name?

Me: Like hurricanes? No I didn't

Dad: Yeah, except they all have German names. I think it's because Old Faithful was discovered by Germans.

Me: That's really interesting. What's this one called?

Dad: Geyser Wilhelm.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Friendo_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked a friend at work

Friend: do you speak any other languages? Me: no but I do know a little German. He's about 4'5" and his name is Hans

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandmaster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
🚨︎ report
A lady walks up to a man, who happens to be holding a giant stick. She proceeds to ask him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replies, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Introducing my neighbor

We hosted thanksgiving dinner for the first time in our apartment and invited our (German) neighbors over in addition to my (American) parents. He way through dinner, it became clear that my dad didn't catch our neighbors' names, so we reintroduced them. "... And this is Sina." (pronounced like Xena) "I know I've Sina, I want to know her name!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tosus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
🚨︎ report
I decided to delete all the german names from my phone...

It’s Hans-free now

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bluffermuff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Just deleted all the German names from my phone

It's Hans-free

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexMV14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2015
🚨︎ report
A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks, β€œAre you a pole vaulter?”

β€œNo,” says the man, β€œI’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/exman1992
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Helping dad find a new smartphone

Dad: "Will there be any German names and numbers on it?

Me: " What? It's Chinese... "

Dad: "I want it to be Hans Free"

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Acerius
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
These were in an email forwarded to me from family. Bless their heart.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Floofing_Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report

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