Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.

They are preparing for a wurst kรคse scenario.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GamerFluff27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Why do you get German people's attention when sneezing?

ACH...

...TUNG!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pasha_07
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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How does the German baker greet people?

"Gluten tag!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PrivatePenguin12
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What do you call a person that has a phobia of German people?

A germaphobe

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LJWills
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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They are definitely KINDER
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NathyDre
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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If people who speak Spanish and English are said to speak Spainglish.

Do people who speak Spanish and German speaking Sperman?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yep_im_here_4797001
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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You could say German cities with a lot of people are...

krauted

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/2076baseballbat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07 2017
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Thank you for teaching me about German people the other day

Don't Menschen it

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aabesh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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People have great arguments as to why the Germans lost WWII. I personally think they lacked vision...

Mainly because they could Nazi.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bfly21
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke itโ€™s leg?

Gingersnap


Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookiesโ€™ drawings?

Snickerdoodle


Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakeryโ€™s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread


Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food


Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler


Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska


Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate


Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars


Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant


Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fyrefrog25
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Oman! Youโ€™re about to read some terrible stuff.

โ€œI live in Spain without the โ€˜sโ€™โ€.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

Itโ€™s about to Bahrain jokes without the โ€œBahโ€.

  1. I have a double China without the โ€œaโ€.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the โ€œanโ€.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the โ€œJโ€.

  5. You probably canโ€™t Kuwait to stop reading these without the โ€œKuโ€.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As youโ€™ve probably guessed, I donโ€™t even have one Nepal without the โ€œNeโ€.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the โ€œDenโ€, of course.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/anipanreads
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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What do you call a German town with too many people?

Krauted.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xx_das_shame_xx
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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what do german people call thier chickens ??

Hans.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/iwillbeeUrs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, โ€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, โ€œare you a vet?โ€

He said, โ€œvet? Iโ€™m fucking soakingโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rohanlahiri05
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Where is it!
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so...

I'm drinking if you're buying

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/touchrubfeels
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
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Guy annoys girlfriend with puns at Ikea
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GabuTheBunny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2015
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What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CUB4N
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2015
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The look on my wife's face was priceless.

My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MaximusRXI09
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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Did you hear how the named Canada? Someone was pulling letters out of a hat...

"C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hornwalker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Dad joke

So thereโ€™s a German guy killing people with sausages, I fear the wurst

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DevilishWeb3692
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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A german tourist jumped into a freezing lake to save someoneโ€™s dog...

He told the owner โ€œkeep him warm and he vill be fineโ€ the owner asked โ€œare you a vet?โ€ The German replied โ€œvet? Iโ€™m soaking!โ€

EDIT: Some people feel like I need to make it clear this is not my joke so... itโ€™s not my joke.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mynameisj3sus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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Cock and sperm joke for kids

(This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess.)

Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day:

"You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce!"

Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time.. it doesnt make sense! There is no sauce here! Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit! My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused.

When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line.. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh... OOHH. BOOM. Omg the "SAUCE"!! From the sausage.. makes some people fat.. as in pregnant.. Mind. Blown.

My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to "ketchup" ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey?

Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too?? Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DeathrowHappymeal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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How to make a Teamspeak server groan

One evening, I was on Teamspeak talking with a few people I know; one of them being a German guy called Willi.

He's gone away from the keyboard for a few minutes and someone asks where he is. A friend of his jokes that he's probably jerking off to porn.

To which I replied "Are you trying to tell me he's playing with his Willi?"

Cue groans from the entire channel.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Clbull
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
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What did the German baker say when he greeted people

Gluten Tag

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jsiggs12
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ExistentialYurt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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