As my wife gazes at our son, I realise we are polar opposites ...

She's thinking: I want another boy...

And I'm thinking: Boy, you want another...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I want to open up an ophthalmologist office for homosexuals. I’ll call it, β€œThe Gaze”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dancer9d9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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Mom: huh. They didn't put bows on the gazebo this year. Dad: So does that make it a gaze?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sjgw137
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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My 7 year old, gazing in wide eyed wonder asked, "Is the Aurora Borealis heavy?"

I said, "No, it's pretty light. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....

Where the fuck is my roof ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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Oil bet this would be great to drive out and go star gazing with
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kioshi43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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I gazed at her. I predict defeat.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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An episode is talking to his father

They are sitting on a beach gazing upon a water of other episodes, he asks "Dad what's that?" and father replies "That's season"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnjazMilos11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyLeo1337
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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Two cows in a field...

There are these two cows in a field gazing away when one cow says to the other cow, "Mooooooooo" The first cow looks at him and thinks a moment and says, "You know, I was thinking the very same thing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Korleonis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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A man walked into a fortune teller's shop

He asks to have his future read and the fortune teller happily does so. After gazing into her crystal ball she starts to laugh uncontrollably. The man hits her immediately to which the teller asks: Why did you do that??????? The man replies, I've never struck a happy medium before

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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What Do You Call Homosexual Eye Glances?

Gaze.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Biolummenescent
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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"Timeless" Actual Dad Joke From Actual Dad (Mine)

This is said every time my entire family gets on a plane -- admittedly infrequently -- and we're taxiing on the runway:

(Dad, gazing out the window of the plane with a look of wonder affixed to his face)

"Look at all those people down there. They look like ants."

(pause)

"Wait, they ARE ants."

(family groans, as we have for 25 years or more).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_cornbread_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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What Do You Call Homosexual Eye Glances?

Gaze.

[EDIT]: how the fuck did I re-post this I didn’t click shit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Biolummenescent
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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Fiance talking about someone's engagement ring.

Her: Glance at her ring next time you see her.

Me: I'll be a regular Tom Glancy.

I'm sorry. I know where the door is...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommitTheFrog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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My boy bounded down the stairs this morning, screaming, "I'm finally ten! I'm finally ten!"

He jumped in my awaiting arms and giddily gazed up at me.

I lovingly looked in to his eyes and said, "Hi finally ten! I'm dad!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Sister got me with this this morning

A little bit of an explanation: in Islam men are supposed to "lower their gaze" to protect the modesty of others. Now onto the joke.

We're driving and we come up to stop light. She looks at me and says

"you should lower your gaze..." And I look back confused "why?" "Because it's changing!" I groaned super hard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamza78ch11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2015
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Double dadjoked my SO with a classic.

We were sitting chilling on the sofa, watching crap telly, she turned to me and said, "I'm tired".

"Nice to meet you tired, I'm Simon"

She's well used to my shit, so she fixed me with a steely gaze, totally unimpressed, and barked, "You're so funny".

"No, I'm Simon. I just told you that".

I snickered silently to myself as I ducked under the remote control that was thrown -hard- at my head.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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I’ve decided to open up an ophthalmologist office for homosexuals

It’s called The Gaze

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dancer9d9
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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