I've been blocked by Gary Barlow.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/orduk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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Gary from Pokemon had a child with a Spanish lady.

His son was Garydos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roastytoastywarm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies.

He was dead Sirius.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
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Football legend Gary Lineker must be a dad
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/treapor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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Have you heard about the new subscription service, that Gary Lineker has launched? 28 portions of green tea delivered monthly.

It’s called Matcha the Day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Towards the end of December, I saw Bobby Fischer and Gary Kasparov in a hotel lobby, both saying they were the better chess player.

That's the best thing about Christmas - chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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My friend Gary is a hun

I guess he is hungry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchomojo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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I have just learned Gary Numan is three weeks older than Gary Oldman.

...SO NUMAN IS OLDER THAN OLDMAN BUT OLDMAN IS NEWER THAN NUMAN!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pistolsfortwo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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What do you call Gary when he's 65?

Gary Oldman

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurgenhakobyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
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Gary Larson, the king of Dad Jokes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChiefTief
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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My buddy's dad made a dad joke after Gary Kubiak got fired from the Texans

http://imgur.com/4UjnpPq

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJS14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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(At bosses funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)

"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Who became an old man when they were conceived?

Gary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Aah the outdoors.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trooper_97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whitlow14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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My son showed me a stamped envelope and asked, "Is this a postmark?"

I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Gary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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There’s a tool for every job

At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.

Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled β€œHeater?”.

Gary replies, β€œYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-juniper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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"Dad, I'm hungry."

No you're not Gary. Put some pants on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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My wife and I are considering adoption.

We just need to figure out where to sign our kids up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Have you or a loved one had to wear glasses and a mask

You may be entitled to condensation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GucciDuc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Made my 11 yr old laugh and my wife roll her eyes this kornint. It was a good day.

My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!

My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."

I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"

Groans and laughs ensued.

Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbare
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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These are Geometry dash puns if you didn’t know v.redd.it/szgs2c7157631
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrgopher17
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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So my cousin posted on Facebook today #IVotedForGary

My dad Gary responded:

"Thanks man, but I wasn't even running. I was walking."

Edit: Woah, this blew up more than I expected. Thanks, guys. I'll make sure to thank my dad for the fake internet points for a joke that made me groan. He's gonna love it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HypnoticPeaches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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Not everything that glitters is gold.

For example, glitter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcatice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Went bobslaying the other day

Killed 200 bobs.

Credit to a commedian on mock the week, I think it was Gary Delane but I can't be sure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharliePlagueis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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At a wedding, Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me...

Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Gary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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How do we find out who is the worst Dad joke guy in Canada?

Call Gary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD.

They are telling me I have Gary Busey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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Last week I launched a book aimed at 9 12 year olds.

I am proud to say I hit one of them

-Gary delaney

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elrond_Halfelven
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween witches.

Credit: Gary Delaney

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tw0aCeS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
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I'm so proud. My boyfriend just told his first dad joke

Hanging out with him and the kids this morning when I found out he's gonna make a great stepdad

Me: Did you know when you get married you can change your last name to anything?

Him: So my name will be Gary Anything?

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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Dad joked at a wedding

I was meeting the bride's uncle and he looks a lot like Gary Oldman

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Gary Oldman?

Him: Oldman? Darn, I want to look more like Gary Youngman.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dean_Bags
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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My Dad's Gay Coworker

While myself and my family were watching The Walking Dead, my Dad asked us this question:

Dad: Speaking of dead people, did I ever tell you about my Gary coworker's boyfriend's last wish?

Me: No, what is it?

Dad: He said that he wants to be cremated and have his ashes sprinkled over his boyfriend's chili.

Me: ...wat?

Dad: Yeah, he wanted one last rip through his asshole towards the end!

Yeah, I laughed. And I'm not ashamed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wtfdizzy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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I can't believe I've just been blocked by Gary Barlow...

Whatever I said,

Whatever I did,

I didn't mean it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captaindotes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Can't believe I've been blocked by Gary Barlow....

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spartan-Mav
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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They were raised well

[wedding]

Priest: repeat after me

Groom: after me

P: ... [to bride] is he serious

Bride: no his name is gary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyre21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
🚨︎ report

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