My dad was cleaning a dish, and dropped it on the floor, shattering it.

His response?

Well at least it's partly clean!

Straight from my dad's mouth about 30s ago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedXTechX
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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My dad walked by and saw me cleaning the floor with paper towels...

He asked me, "what spilled?"

I told him it was milk.

He said "Hope your not crying over it", walked away and went to bed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poppaman
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2016
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I think we all should use nothing but mops and brooms to clean our floors

I guess that means I'm anti-vacs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nashvulnative
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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My Latin wife dances a lot as she keeps the floors clean...

She likes to rumba...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Dad: I’M GOING TO BUY A BROOM AND CLEAN THE KITCHEN FLOOR TODAY!!!

Dad: Oh wait. It’s Wednesday. Tonight I have to be at work until 9.

Dad: I really shouldn’t make sweeping declarations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frupp110
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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My floors are so clean you could eat off of them...

Just ask my dog

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LastProtagonist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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My kid peed on the floor, screamed for me to clean it up

and I thought to myself, "oh kid urine trouble now".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisThatSauce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A waitress was taking an order from a dad and a 4 year old at a table.

The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.

The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.

Juice twice had finally been served.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TahLoow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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What do you get when you let a mouse mop your kitchen?

A squeaky clean floor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geng_r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Dadjoked a manager over the walkie.

I was working the closing shift at a retail store where every associate carries a walkie. Before closing time, a manager will generally ask which departments need help zoning (cleaning, facing merchandise, etc) and the associates will help the other departments. The other night:

Manager: -kssht- How are we on the floor?

Me:- kssht- Gravity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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My girlfriend accidentally put dish soap in the dishwasher last night

We had just finished cleaning up dinner and were watching a movie when I went into the kitchen to get dessert. The entire floor was covered in bubbles emerging from the dish washer.

I called to her and said it looked like Sud-etenland in here. She was unamused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mcfinley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2016
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This is one part TIFU one part dad joke

So today as I was making my morning coffee, I fill up my little K cup thing with my coffee and walk over to the coffee maker to put it in and I spill it all over the floor. I start cleaning it up when my dad walks in and chuckles. I say "What?" And he replies "Hehe, coffee GROUNDS". We had a good laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markustherealiest
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2016
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A new(ish) Dad and Nike

We have a one year old son who is learning to use a cup. Tonight he was on the porch, "drinking" some water wearing a new and adorable little Nike outfit. The shirt got soaked so I took it off and let him continue to "drink" from his cup. Well of course he eventually dumped it on the floor.

So Dad is sitting there and he tells me to "just wipe it up with the shirt".

I say "NO WAY! I'm not using this brand new Nike shirt to clean the floor!"

Dad responds with "Just Do itℒ…"

...and looked at me with a face like it was the most clever hysterical thing that has ever been uttered in human history.

Me and this poor kid have a long road ahead of us...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ketochos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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My wife hates a dirty house.

So I laid on the floor in the kitchen after deep cleaning the entire house and yelled

"HOW DID THIS TRASH GET ON THE FLOOR?!?!?!"

Mind you, she's already mid rant about having to clean anything else at this point...and her walking in to see only me laying there almost got me divorced.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wooolgod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
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I Dadjoked my parents so badly, my dad didn't get it at first.

Background: last night we had a random insurgence of ants invade our bathroom. We successfully killed most of them with spray and bait, but it left tiny ant carcasses all over the bathroom floor. This morning my mom cleaned the entire bathroom leaving it spotless.

Mom and dad are now relaxing in the living room after mom has cleaned the bathroom:

Me: mom, I really appreciate your cleaning the bathroom, but now our whole family is going to get sick.

Mom: why?

Me: you got rid of all our anti-bodies

Mom groans, I give her a huge grin. My dad didn't get it at first, but after my mom explained it he groaned and said "I'm proud I raised a daughter with such a great sense of humor"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliseMcg
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2014
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2 friends who work as Janitors at a Target meet up after hours

They talked for a few hours while cleaning the store, and find a few isles that are way beyond "dirty". They decided to have a match. Whoever finishes their half of the area is deemed best janitor. Before they started, one of them scoffs and says, "I'ma wipe the floor with you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeRp_Meister
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2016
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Dad and I were cleaning the house

My dad and I were cleaning the house to surprise my mom. He was vacuuming the floor. He stops, shuts of the vacuum, looks at me with a straight face and says, "I'm a vacuum pimp because I'm always using the hose."

He then started vacuuming again like nothing happened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ickthus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
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Dadjoked a Walgreens employee

To set the scene I am in a Walgreens, specifically the shampoo/body wash aisle.

Employee knocks a few bottles of shampoo on the floor

Employee: "Whoops, how clumsy of me."

Me: "At least the bottles aren't glass, that would have been a lot worse."

Employee: "Yeah, that's true."

Me: "Although if they were glass clean-up would've been pretty easy because there would be soap all over the floor."

Employee pity laughs

Best trip to Walgreens ever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/americanWARRI0R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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Cleaning up at work

My boss told me I had to clean up the mechanical room in the building I work in but I couldn't sweep the floor because of asbestos. I replied with, "I'll clean it asbestos I can."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatHatfield
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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One I'd pull at kfc

When we would clean up at the end of the day we would use a hose to spray the walls and floor. To keep from spraying people they'd say watch your feet. I'd always respond "whoah what are they doing!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tonyhagan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2013
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My mother's first dad joke.

So when I was cooking in the kitchen (which is very narrow and small) I accidentally brushed up on a loosely closed tin can of Door Varnish spilling it all everywhere. I had to explain after I tried to clean it up to my mother and brother.

Me: So yeah, I spilled the whole can of door varnish on the kitchen floor and the hallway, it's going to hard to walk around for a little while.

My Brother: changes conversation Anyways are you free tomorrow, Mum?

My Mother: Yes, but first we must get out of this sticky situation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePeachyPanda
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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I had a shower

I had a shower last night, and the humidity in the room made the floor a little slippery. As I was towelling off, the mop in the corner slipped and grazed my leg.

All I could think was "That almost cleaned me up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesterfraud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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