I went to a catholic church for the first time in years. The priest kept fielding questions from the large congregation, so I shouted out...
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
Two horses in a field, one says to the other “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse’
Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
Feeling bad for the cows I saw stood out in the field in this cold weather
these two wind turbines were standing in the field talking. one says to the other, "what kind of music do you like?" the reply...
I saw some cows in the field smoking a joint and playing poker.
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
What field does Dr.Pepper have a PhD in?
What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?
Which dinosaur survived extinction and is now found in farmer's fields?
When you see cows standing in a field, they are good cows.
They are outstanding in their field.
A farmer was bringing his cows in from the fields ...
and he counted 396 of them.
But once he rounded them all up, he had 400.
I was stood in a field the other day wondering why the frisbee coming towards me was getting bigger
Dad went out to this field and sent me a picture of himself there.
The caption read ‘I’m outstanding in this field!’
Soccer coach to newbie: "Basically, you kick this ball down the field and try to get it into that big net at the end."
"That's the goal at least."
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
Field Dressing
Hey guys, relatively new dad here. Pretty proud of myself because this came naturally. My 7 mo daughter, wife and I were hiking yesterday. My daughter was strapped to the front of me, and she started to stink. We found a field to lay her on her changing mat and change her diaper. She had a complete explosion so it required an outfit change. I looked up at my wife and said “looks like I’ll be performing a field dressing”. Corny af I know, but it made my wife laugh 😆!
Two snowmen are standing in a field....
One looks over at the other. sniff sniff, “Do you smell carrots?”
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
I had to go find my kid in a farmers field
My kid said, "Why did you come and get me?"
Me: "Its pasture bed time."
The Mafia killed a man in a rice field because of a dispute over a small trinket
It was a knick-knack paddy whack
A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine.
The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack
Said in a field full of large mushrooms
"There's humungous fungus amongus!"
What do you call the British Prime Minister in a wheat field?
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Where do mansplainers get their water?
I yelled into a colander...
...and now my voice is strained.
Did you hear about the farmer that won an award
He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the farmer get pulled over after planting his field?
I've never been a fan of corn fields.
Something about them is just earie.
Two cows are standing in a field...
Cow 1: are you worried about getting mad cow disease?
Cow 2: of course not... I’m not a cow!
I once got lost in a corn field
It was an a-maize-ing experience
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The other replies ‘Well, I’m a big metal fan.’
Two snowmen in a field... One says to the other...
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
Two wind turbines stood in a field one wind turbine asks the other wind turbine "What type of music do you like?" The other wind turbine replies..
2 windmills are in a field. One asks: "What kind of music do you like?"
The other responds: "Well, I'm a big metal fan".
If you notice cows sleeping in a field...
Does it mean it’s pasture bedtime?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
If you see some cows asleep in a field...
If you notice cows sleeping in a field
does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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