The days of our kids playing on the old grass are now lawn gone.
The attire is semaphormal.
Unless of course they're buried in the same cemetery.
I guess that's how they stay fit though.
All those dead lifts.
My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
It's about thyme.
...from the fruits of our labor
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
They are my napkin
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead.
It was the vest day ever. Until i had to take mine off. I just wasn't as invested as they were.
Why do you beehive like this?
They were washingtons.
So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.
At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"
I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"
The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.
I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.
Dada Mole pokes his nose out of the mole hole, sniffs the air, and licks his lips. “Mmm, someone nearby is baking.” he says. “I smell butter.”
Mama Mole comes up next and sniffs the air. Her eyes light up. "Yes, someone is baking,” she says. “I smell sugar!”
Brother Mole is next. “Mmm, maybe some chocolate!” he exclaims as he does a little dance.
Little Baby Mole is last. He sniffs the air, gags and nearly chokes as he says “All I smell is molasses.”
Son: Hey, what's up? Dad: How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to your food?
We're all sitting around the table as we scoop and tong all the things we want to eat. My brother-in-law is grabbing some pasta salad when my dad lays down this gem.
Dad: Hey Tim, can you pass-da-salad?
Tim: Yeah, sure. Oh god...
My dad and I proceed to laugh for about 5 minutes as the rest of the family sit their shaking their heads.
My son had a few clams on his plate that didn't open when they were cooked and he asked how to open them. I told him to use mussell power.
Happy Father's Day /r/ DadJokes
Some of the kids attending are:
Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"
The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."
I stub my toe on something
Me: "Dammit I just hit my toe on the coffee table!!"
Dad: "Need me to call a toe truck??????"
Never fucking fails.....
Love him though.
We were at Disney marveling at the amount of pineapple sorbet they serve you (for $5, that is) when I said:
"Man, they just Dole it out, don't they?"
My brother just stared at me.
I saw my mom with a plate of crab legs and asked her "Where's the crab?" Dad responds with "Don't talk about me like that, I'm right here."
In the morning
Dad: Ugh, you reek, you probably haven't showered all year!
Me: ...
Dad: AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!
At breakfast
Dad: I have to go to the store.
Me: Why?
Dad: All our bread is from last year!
Me: Groan.
Dad: AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
Another New Year's with the family...
We were in the shaving section, my wife was looking for new razors. My 2 year old boy grabbed one of the combo packs, and I said "Hey! Put that Schick down!" My wife chuckled.
