To further gender equality, I think it's time we have our first transgendered superheroes.

The Ex-Men.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acres41
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Living on the Edge
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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1L is equal to 0.264 US gallon...

Literally

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Our church just replaced our giant wood pulpit for a smaller metal pulpit that is equally heavy.

We are now a heavy metal church.

We will be introducing Black Sabbath to our worship set soon.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cruckel2687
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does 100 equal 60?

A microwave.

πŸ‘︎ 237
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GangrenePeen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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The title, no mouth equals no words.
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MemaholicCreeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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distance raptor over time raptor equals...

VELOCIRAPTOR

-heehee physics jokes

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mollywashere318
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
have you heard about the new proposed school marking scheme where they divide the marks of a test out equally

They are calling it marks-ism

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supercombo369
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.

They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was

the chip monk!

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/franksymptoms
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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I lost my map of contours showing points of equal elevation!

It was a relief when I found it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Equality is important!
πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisparton1991
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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What is it called when a Scotsman agrees with you in equal measure?

An aye for an aye.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Why is 1 = 0 ??

Cos 0 = 1

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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The leader of a small settlement had a good life

People were greeting him on the street and were willing to help him when needed. He was respected. He was not waiting in line at the supermarket. He had discounts to all shops he visited. He even had priority in choosing which girl to spend the night with..

However, soon more people started coming to that place. The settlement became bigger, more like a village. The newcomers actually did not care that much about the leader. He was slowly becoming more irrelevant, more equal to everyone else.

He had lost his pre-village.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hornyonion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Were they equal?
πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yodariffic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a horse who likes equality?

An egalloptarian

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/genuinely-bored
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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I've decided to become a math teacher, but I'm only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I don't think men and women can be equal.

There's a vas deferens between them.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theswarthyknight
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Everyone gets it
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BobTheRussian
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/renegaderis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Not all vehicles have equal rights.

Some make wide turns.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arcaneosis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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If a group of horses are all equally far away from one another, would they be equusdistant?

Making horse jokes with my flatmate and I'm particularly proud of this one.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeLovesRowing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Why is Cinderella bad at football?

Because she’s always running away from the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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What is the difference between Russian roulette and Soviet roulette?

In Soviet roulette everyone dies equally

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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It's not gona be equal

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mad_Chicken_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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A baker was preparing the dough for a loaf of his famous bread, while his son watched.

He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, β€œThis bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, β€œDad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, β€œIt’s better to halve it and not knead it.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radioclash86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I once had to find the circumference of a circle where the radius equaled "damn."

The circumference is TWO DAMN PI.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgrubbnasty
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Limericks are fun
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Wheat_Thins
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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I didn’t C that coming.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meemboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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So have you guys heard about equality?

Me too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattPatch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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Warning, this is a huge spoiler

https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0699/6735/products/mini-wing-spoiler_copy_x1400.jpg?v=1508404270

πŸ‘︎ 909
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davilopy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

For non-programmers: (octal 31 = decimal 25)

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Our Joke
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/live4lifelegit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Marriage Equality

It's a real GAYme changer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
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One guacamole is equal to

6.0221415Γ—10Β²Β³ guacas

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDalek
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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Alright I got two bangers here

Dad Jokes are great and all, but I'm more into Sun Jokes. They're a little st-upiter and talk about Uranus a lot, but they're equally funny.

I went to practice my joke routine at a cemetery recently. The audience was really lifeless. Except for this one guy, he had a really deadpan laugh though.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrus_Leo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

πŸ‘︎ 736
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlJo27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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To the guy that invented zero:

Thanks for nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilsnop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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Two gunslingers of equal skill had a face off, what do you think happened?

It was a draw.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DR_PORNBODY
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Not all seasons are equal

Summer better than others.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkylerPC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
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I'm in a band named "999 megabytes".

We haven't got a gig yet.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mastrwill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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All science is equal!

If you don't think that all science is equal you are a scientist!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DietOlive
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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When does 3 times 3 equal 10?

When the answer is wrong

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AAAmad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag. Trainer walks up and says "what gives?"

Boxer says "I'm exercising my rights"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeverShan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
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Looking for certain puns

Does anyone have some puns that include the name Jack. If so that would be brilliant

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Give_me_a_slap
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hair that's super funny??

Hairlarious..

I am sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatindiandood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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So my math textbook has a "Math Humor" section...

http://imgur.com/a/IXCKw

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adobeflashcrashed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Today, I'd like to give thanks to the minus sign

Thanks for making a difference

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DisgruntledChild
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
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My Favorite Dad Joke

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

πŸ‘︎ 341
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fracturedsplintX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Texan came to visit my farm in Southern Illinois and asked me how many acres I had.

I said "about 500".

Texan said: "I can get in my truck and drive all day and never get off my property!"

I said:"yeah, I had a truck like that."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryassburger-il
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
'Wanna hear something dodgy?' asked my girlfriend with an air of uncertainty.

I said, 'Sure.'

She sighed.

'I saw you and your ex studying Pythagoras' theorem in the library.'

'Oh, you did?' I asked.

She paused. 'So, how do you explain that?'

'Easily,' I replied. 'It's when the square on the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides.'

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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I can understand 4 feet, 5 feet, 7 feet and 8 feet

But I can't fathom

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oshaboy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife actually laughed at this one.

Me: You filled this container with the wrong kind of rice

Her: All rice looks the same to me.

Me: I can't believe I married a riceist.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iwakun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2014
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I don't believe in racing competitions

Because all races are equal.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiradzim
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Two friends named Trouble and Shut Up went hiking. Trouble went off the path and got lost so Shut Up went to the police to report him missing......

.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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What do you call a sad dog?

A melon collie.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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People think that Irma's storm surge of 10-15 feet is unfathomable.

They're wrong. It's between 1 and 2/3 fathom and 2 and 1/2 fathoms.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManChildMusician
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
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Pythagoras the explorer (long)

Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.

Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.

He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbimatic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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A man walks into a bar with an ornately carved box under his arm.

Bartender: "Hold on there, buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink."

The bartender agrees, and the man lifts the lid to reveal a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think the genie is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?

Man: "Do you think I would have wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IdonJuanTatalya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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My boy was drinking hot chocolate and said β€œDad, we should make a hot chocolate apple cider coffee!”

I said β€œI don’t know, Son. I don’t think that would be my cup of tea.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaylan96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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What I learned in plumbing class today

applies equally to other faucets of the trade.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deblunked
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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Story time!

A baker and his wife had a child. A lovely, healthy boy. Since the wife was mad about history, she wanted to give the boy a name suitable for a man destined for great things. Jokes were made, names proposed, but in the end the decision was made - they named the boy Attila.

Attila showed great potential from an early age - he excelled at sports, grew strong, but his other capabilities were astonishing as well. He learned and went through encyclopedias like a fire through forests. Surely enough, he was bound to become a great man some day.

Apart from being an exceptional young man, he loved animals as well. He was kind and compassionate, equally cherishing all forms of life. Since his parents loved him so much, they bought him all he ever wanted - but he did not ask for much, he was never greedy.

Growing up, he has received many animals as pets - there were cats, dogs, hamsters and even exotic animals - tarantulas, snakes, scorpions, you name it.

Their home became a sort of an animal sanctuary, and Attila took care of all animals with love and passion. But, the family business was starting to suffer when his father the baker got ill.

Being the amazing young man he was, Attila stepped up and started learning secrets of the trade - he started baking like no one else.

But, since he devoted his time to the bakery, the animals were starting to be neglected. He tried feeding them, petting them, but nothing helped.

Slowly, one by one the animals passed away leaving behind only the most resistant ones - the snake and a few spiders.

The spiders were easy to take care of, but the snake wouldn't eat, no matter what. Saddened, Attila came to his mother and asked for advice as he was all out of ideas. Of course, being the caring mother she always was, she passed on her knowledge to Attila:

"This anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, Hun."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2016
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Do you know why Romans were bad at algebra?

Because they always ended up with X equals 10

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSKING444
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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What's the best kind of communist?

None, they're all equal!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord--Kitchener
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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How about a mom joke?

We've had a terrible ant problem for the last few weeks, and found a product called Terro that works relatively well to kill them. I've been diligent in spreading the product around the house and outside.

Today, my mom came in my room, and told me: "All the ants are dead. You are a great Terrorist."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyblac
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2014
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I think it's hilarious now...

Growing up, whenever I would ask my dad to make me a sandwich he'd always respond with, "POOF! You're a sandwich."

I look forward to every opportunity I have to use it.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glb950
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
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My dad was flawless with the execution of this zinger...

Me on the phone with my dad - "I got a cat!"

Dad - "What's it's name?"

Me - "Susan."

Dad - "So it's a girl?"

Me - "Of course...her name's Susan. Do you think I'd name a boy cat Susan?"

Dad - "No...I suppose that if it was a boy, it would B. Anthony."

Good one, Dad...

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diiiiirty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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I thought /r/puns might enjoy these

A couple puns.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

edit: just a bit of formatting showing difference from one pun the other

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-REDDlT-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2012
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Cheese Jokes are the Best Jokes!

I was at lunch with some friends today, and one left her cheese saying it was her least favourite. Another friend said that she didn't believe that a least favourite cheese was a thing - so I replied with:

"It's true - not all cheeses are created equal. I mean look at edam, that's made backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryelacey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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Three Squaws

An Indian chief had three squaws. One slept on a cow hide, one slept on a horse hide, and one slept on a hippopotamus hide. As the months went by, each squaw gave him his heirs. The one on the horse hide gave him a son. The one on the cow hide also gave him a son. But the one on the hippopotamus hide gave him twin sons.

This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws if the other two hides.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatchRacall
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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The Three Kingdoms

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmonkey95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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A colleague and I shared a pack of custard creams....

He said we'll split them evenly so we both get an equal amount....so I said...

"Well I guess we have joint custardy then"

I'm very proud

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/antiunreal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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Happy pi day

I'm not celebrating pi day this year... I've only just recovered from e day on February 72nd.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beeteedee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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So this happened as we were sitting down to a Key lime pie dessert tonight.

We were having Key lime pie and my mom was cutting it, but since it was from Costco, it had already been cut into equal size pieces.

My dad looks over to me and says, "I guess it's a Preline-Pie"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echeb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
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"There are just too many bits in this bed." Wife holds up a piece of a dog bone.

Me "that one is too big to be a 'bit.' It needs a new category... How about eight bits equal a bite."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsprocket
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2017
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I am sick and tired of feeling oppressed hearing more about this MRA (Mens Rights Activists) movement...

As of today I'm starting a Mens Lefts Activist movement. Equality for all!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Holisticism
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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"What time will dinner be ready?"

"Around a quarter past."

My grandfather gives that answer every single time you ask him what time something will be, no matter what the subject. It's hilarious and infuriating in equal measure.

"When do you plan on going on holiday this year?

"Around a quarter past."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordMeme42
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilboDavins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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Why were the Romans so bad with algebra?

They always ended up with X equals 10

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSKING444
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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