An electrician is contracted to do some work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for the system once him and his co-workers are finished setting up the electrical system.

A couple years later, the priest is at a charity event where he is talking to the various guests.

One asks "I heard you did work in Africa, what exactly did you do there?"

And the priest replies "I blessed the mains down in Africa".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheKakattack
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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The best safe word a person can use is 'Meatloaf'….

Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Butt-270_Ham_227
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Got hit with this one at work

Me to co-worker : hey, let me check out your new top of the line Honda CR-V. Can I take it for a quick spin?

Co-worker : Probably not a good idea to drive it today. I just came back from the gun registry and I have my gun in the center console.

Me : what the heck do you need a gun for?

Another co-worker: well how else will people know he’s driving a fully loaded Honda CR-V?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomPerson_2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Safety ratings

I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.

Co-worker: β€œHello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?”

Employee: β€œI’m just going to my office to water my plants.”

Me: β€œThat’s definitely green work.”

Co-worker: β€œDid you have to?”

Me: β€œSorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.”

Co-worker: β€œReally?”

Me: β€œGuess I’m stacking them up like cord wood today.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/II_Confused
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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Did you know Boy George gets upvotes for wearing a colour changing jacket?

It's cos he's a karma........no, I can't do it.......it's just too bad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anassis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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A fastidious fry cook at a local friend chicken joint had a different cutting board for every part of the chicken....

One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered.

He said, "Well, back to the old raw wing board."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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I didn't even look up from my desk.

Dropped this on a co-worker just now.

Them: ".. yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to."

Me: Well it's due to inflation.

I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible. I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line. Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely.

πŸ‘︎ 795
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πŸ‘€︎ u/random_feedback
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
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Prepare to be bored to death

Once upon a time, there was a man named Phil. Phil had just graduated High School and was going to college to be a railroad conducter. Unfortunately, he was horrible. He failed half his classes, he barely knew what a train was, and he frequently peed on the railroad tracks. Somehow, he managed to get a bachelor's degree in conducting. After college, he went to a decent job at a railroad. It had an average pay grade and everyone was relatively nice to him. It was a nice stable job, so no one knew why, on the fateful day of October 13, 2017, he snapped and killed everyone on board. He was detained and taken court, where he was almost immediately sentenced to death by the judge. His personal security guard asked him, "What do you want for your last meal?" Phil replied, "I want a guava orange." The guard was baffled. She had no idea what the fuck a guava orange was, much less how to find one. So, like anyone who doesn't know where to find something, she got one on eBay. She brought it to Phil, who immediately wolfed it down. She then escorted him to the electric chair, strapped him in, and flipped the switch. Nothing happened. Baffled by this odd occurrence, the guard said, "Well you've served your time, I guess you're free to go." So Phil reintegrated to the world and found a new job. This one was well paying and everyone there loved him, so everyone was even more baffled when he flipped out on his new co-workers. He was returned to court, sentenced to death, and the same guard asked him, "What do you want for your last meal?" Phil said, "I'd like a guava orange." It took the guard two months to track down a guava orange this time, but she finally found one in a Baghdad market stand. She gave it to Phil, who wolfed it down and proceed to the electric chair. The guard flipped the switch - and nothing. The guard said, "I guess you're free again," and released Phil into the world. He immediately got an extremely high paying job, everyone there adored him, it was perfect. At least, until he snapped yet again and killed everyone there. The judge sentenced him to death again, and the guard asked him, "Let me guess, guava orange?" Phil nodded, and the guard set out on her quest. It took her two years to find the very last guava orange, and when she brought it back Phil wolfed it down and sat in the chair. The guard flipped the switch and nothing happened,so she shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!" Phil said, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yargle_Bargle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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My dad likes to call people "Doo-doo" as a joke.

He really likes to yell it when looking for people and he does it so often that his co-workers started calling him "Doo-doo". So the other day a new hire witnessed this exchange,

Co-worker: Hey Doo-doo can you check for a part that came in? Dad: Yeah no prob.

Confused she asked him: Why do people call you Doo-doo?!

Without missing a beat my dad turned to her and said: CAUSE IM THE SHIT!!!

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1jet007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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My girlfriend says she might be pansexual...

Here is a screenshot. Me and my girlfriend were texting each other:

Her: One day I do want to try having sex with a girl just to see what it's like, but I think I'm just really open minded about it. Or I'm pansexual which my dad thinks I am.

Me: -I send her a picture of a frying pan- So does this turn you on? I knew you liked cooking, but I didn't know they had a word for it.

Her: I'm gonna kill you -_-

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J52
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
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The more groans, the better the joke.

So, I work for a company that does business all over the US and Canada. Today, I was doing work for a customer in Casper, WY. I lean over to my co worker and said "Casper, Wyoming... that place must be a ghost town!"

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
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Manager at my job got my Co worker

Manager was writing a list on his arm. Like on his skin

My Co worker asked him "do you want a piece of paper?"

Manager simply says "no thanks I've got my palm pilot".

My coworker didn't laugh but simply gave a blank look.

I meanwhile was overcome with laughter and glee.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuya_Gshock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Dad Joke About Euthanasia...

So a co-worker of mine brought up the topic of euthanasia and what we thought about it and here's how the conversation went:

Co-worker: "So what do you think about euthanasia especially involving really young kids?"

Me: "I mean, I think it's awful, they get paid like 5 cents a day, the working conditions are deplorable, it really keeps me up at night."

after a few confused looks by everyone my co-worker replies:

Co-worker: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Me: "I thought you wanted to know what I thought about the youth in Asia?"

The groans were so rewarding.

E: formatting

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trusk_Fundz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
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WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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While at the supermarket...

My wife and I entered WinCo to do some dinner shopping, and we walked by the meat counter just as a stocker with a serious case of plumber's crack was putting meat out. I turned to my wife and said, "That's not the kind of rump roast I had in mind."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heavyhandedDOOM
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
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Unintentionally Dad joked my coworker just now.

I work at a CPA firm and walked by a co-worker who looked a bit frustrated since it's tax season. I ask if I'm going to hate doing taxes to when I finally get my CPA license. He replies with "it's not that I hate doing taxes, it's just that im worn out from the overtime". Without hesitation I replied with "oh, I'm sure the long hours can be very... Taxing". I instantly realized what I had said and before I could say no pun intended my Co worker let's out a very loud moan followed by booing that didn't stop until I left his office.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shibli09
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2015
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I got a good one from my manager last night:

We are in the process of remodeling the store I work at. Co-worker: The walls need another coat of paint... Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket. The rest of us: Groans

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kcebnaes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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Office supplies are highly coveted..

Co-worker A: Hey, Co-worker B, do you have any push pins?

Co-worker B: Sure, but I'll have to charge you.

Me: Don't forget the tax!

The groaning started and I was confused at first, then it sunk in. Sometimes unintended puns are the best!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curzyk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2015
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Landed this one on my co-worker just now

So I work at an apartment complex, and one of our floor plans is called the "Butterflyweed".

Co-Worker: "I'll be right back, I'm gonna go do the Butterflyweed" Me: "Don't do it! I hear Butterflyweed is a gateway floorplan".
Co-Worker: groan...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xayus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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Proud of this one, I thought of it on the spot.

One of my co-workers just walked by my office looking for stamp ink. She said, "You don't ever need to stamp anything, do you?"

Without missing a beat, I said, "Just my feet!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faschwaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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Wearing sunscreen?

Just got my co-worker with a doozy. They were out in the bay doing seagrass surveys when they came very close to stepping on a stingray. She was talking about the flashes of Steve Irwin's death going through her mind when I asked "you were wearing good sunscreen right?" "what?" she asked "sunscreen? Why?" "to protect you from harmful rays" I said with a smug look on my face.

She folded her arms and gave me a stern look. My boss and coworker could only shake their heads and laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gross04
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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Pregnant mom's dad joke

Pregnant woman walks into the office.

Co-worker: "Are you going to bring the baby into work?"

Pregnant mom: "I already do -- every weekday."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fracturedcrayon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Dad joked a co-worker

I work at a tearoom and we do some hot food, one of my coworkers cam with a simple order and I used a simple dadjoke

Co-worker: Bacon Sandwich, Well done.

Me: Thanks but I haven't even started yet.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spinxington
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
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Co worker just dad joked another Co worker

We were all on our way to lunch. The driver has young children and sometimes has to move the car seat to the trunk so everyone can fit.

Co worker 1: "do you have a car seat in the back"

Co worker 2: "Yeah but I think you are big enough to use a seat belt."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrossCheckPanda
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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Mom Joke

My mom and I are working at a mill shutdown as safety watch while the roughnecks do maintenence on the mill.

The job situation is pretty variable, and you can get assigned to safety watch just about anything. I got picked for elevator detail.

I was talking to my mom and some other co workers at break, and someone asked me how elevator duty was. My mom chipped in with

"It had its ups and downs."

And then she said it all day long.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Froggy_hop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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Walked by a co-workers office who just got a new standing desk...

Me: (stopped and stared for a second then) "Is that new?"

Co-worker: "Yes it is, trying to get healthy... what do you think?!"

Me: "That's out-standing!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmonkey86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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GF came to visit at work. Got a two-fer!

Long, but worth it. GF visits me at work, I sneak up behind her and pinch her butt. She jumps, turns and asks "Why do you always do that?!" Me: "What?" GF: "Misbehave?" Me: "Sounds like a naughty teacher." GF: "huh?" Me: "Miss Behave, she sounds like a naughty teacher." GF groans and slaps me on the shoulder as a Female Co-worker walks by. FC: "Dunno what you did, but I'm sure you deserved that." GF: (to FC) "He did." (To me) "Who's that?" Me: "Oh, that's Missus LeJoke" (cue cheesey grin :D) GF realizes what I said, rolls eyes, groans "oh jeesus", facepalms, and walks away chuckling.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schmeerdawg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
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Pulled a fast one on my co-worker

I was mumbling to myself about what I was going to need for this job we were going to do while standing next to my co-worker.

> CW: "What!? Speak up Brother!"

> Me: "My bad, I was just thinking out loud"

> CW: "I wouldn't say loud, I could barely hear you"

> Me: "Yeah, I guess I was thinking out quiet"

Groans were had

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Revenant527
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
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So, I made my co-worker walk out the room.

Today at work, my co-worker and I are decorating the group home we are working in for Christmas. As she finishes decorating the tree, she asks;

Her: The tree looks nice. I don't want to put the rest of the ornaments on it though, cause it'll look clutter. What should we do?

Me: Well... we can always deck the halls?

Followed by lots of laughing while she face palmed and walked out the room.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mythical_Lies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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Met a new co-worker today...

I looked at her name tag, and it says, "Sage." I said, "Hi Sage, I'm Suffistication; do you happen to have the thyme?" It took her and my other co-worker a minute to get it, and then they just shook their heads.

I think they liked it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suffistication
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
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My co-worker dadjokes me every day. Here's a few of his finer ones.

I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.

  1. One day, I was windexing our glass displays.

Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.

  1. Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.

Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.

A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."

"What kind of dog do you have?!"

"Chihuahua."

"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"

"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat

  1. Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"

We looked at one another confused. "... No."

"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band

I like my new job.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amdawson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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An older co-worker said this to me and a couple of other co-workers earlier.

I was using an application at work called OnTime, but it kept crashing and wouldn't open on my computer.

I went to an office nearby where two of my co-workers sit to ask one of them to do me a favor and enter in something in OnTime for me. Our older co-worker is passing by and hears me say that OnTime isn't working for me. He says, "So now you're late everywhere?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuaereVerumm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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