I’ve been trying to solve a complicated maths question to take my mind off my constipation. Today, using only a pencil and sheer determination...

I finally worked it out.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It has recently been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.

We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 449
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
"Confucius Says...War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iTz_bOrkEr_qUeEn_BOI
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.

It's called,Cash in the Addict.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rossco1874
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2020
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My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work

Should have seen her face when I drove pasta

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bigg_UN
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2020
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King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.

Sir Veyor

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Fawkes_1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 06 2020
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Apparently they have determined that diarrhoea is now hereditary...

It’s known to run in jeans.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JLangvee
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
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Archaeologists found traces of Trinitrotoluene in a T-Rex skeleton. Scientists have since determined that T-Rex's muscles used the compound to function.

TNT. It's dino might.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/veive
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 14 2020
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My flat-earther friend was determined to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat.

in the end, he came around.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThePrinceOfGoldHair
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
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The World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. All dogs being held in quarantine will be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tregratinator
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2020
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At 2:00PM a NASA scientist passes out....

After he is revived the medics find out the last time he ate was at breakfast. They determine that he had a "failure to lunch."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FelixTheCrazy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:

'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/UnexampledSalt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2020
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I'm determined to walk with my wife across the second largest state in the USA, even if she wants to walk across the largest.

Regardless if it Texas along time, Alaska.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zippysausage
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Jack Frost use to determine if it's cold enough to start hanging icicles?

His test-icles

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/steeple_fun
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 09 2020
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My wife told me to stop stealing her kitchen utensils or else.

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 109
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 31 2020
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My toddler was counting his fingers, and determined he had six.

I said β€œoh, well let me take one of those off your hands for you”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking

In chemistry you should never lick the spoon

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SpookyWeebou
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 13 2020
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I would tell you a dad joke

But Maury Povich determined that I am not the father.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/eurotrashcc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the miner so determined to complete digging on a second plot of land?

Because he had one tract mined.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EurassesDragon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you determine the sex of a cell?

You pull down it's genes

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/t_brad32
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Who determines if someone died from Corona?

The coronar

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have determined exactly what will spell the end of the world

D.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/el_gregorio
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
To determine the gender of a parrot you have to stick your finger in the cage. If he bites you, he's a male...

If she bites you, she's a female.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 80
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 06 2019
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Hey guys if you need to determine how Basic a chick is.

Use a Litness test.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Konebred
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 20 2019
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If you take a dozen cows and get rid of two you'll have nine

There would be 10 but they lacked 8

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BatmanStarkDentistry
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2020
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A great thing about communism is that your value is pre determined...

❀❀❀ And you're priceless ❀❀❀

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DiabolicPotato
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What technology does the Chinese Government use to determine which dance moves are appropriate and respectable?

Motion censors

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
To determine if I’m moving fast or slow...

...I must determine if I’m Russian or Stalin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WhoWhyWhatWhenWhere
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 390
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My father is a determined man. He never gives up

He has a lot of daddycation

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Kawliet
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 18 2019
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I am very dyslexic.

But I have learnt that through hard work and determination, anything is popsicle!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/stackiit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you determine how heavy a single red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
If x = the main character of a story, how do you determine the position of x?

With the exposition.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CJCray8
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked me how to make grits...

I told him it takes hard work, determination, and grit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wgoins
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How to determine an ants sex

All you need in a glass of water. If the ant sinks to the bottom it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s a buoyant.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jetkism
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 29 2018
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Appreciation: I love this sub's jokes, but we all know the real dad jokes are the ones in the comments

I love that the real dad jokes are the dad's trying to make a second joke based on the post haha. None of them are funny, they're all dry as the Sahara Desert, but like all good dad's, they're determined to keep trying.

Keep it up you silly gooses!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ninthpower
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
After years of studying the flight patterns of ducks, scientists finally determined why one side of the "V" is always longer than the other.

There are more ducks on that side.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Zhiva88
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 925
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CJFates
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s inside a smoked computer?

BBQ’d chips

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jspittman
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2020
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How to determine the sex of an ant.

Step 1. Throw it in the water.

Step 2. Observe.

If it sinks? Girl ant.

If it floats? Boy ant.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ivey090
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 04 2017
🚨︎ report
After years of research, experts finally determined the leading cause of dry skin:

Towels.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JackMcCracken
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet "...been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals" Dad snaps back

"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."

Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dude0311
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the naked toddler competing in the Olympics' 100m dash?

He was running a little behind.

(I believe this to be original; but I wasn't willing to risk searching for the key terms required to determine if someone else came up with it... apologies if I'm repeating a long ago joke)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/aguynamedbry
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL you can determine wether or not a person is stupid based on their taste in music.

For instance, metal-heads are pretty damn dense.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/C0NSTABEL
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 12 2018
🚨︎ report
You can determine an ants gender by putting it on water...

If it sinks it is a girl ant, if it floats it is buoyant...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/aabesh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report

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