I am become shovel, destroyer of public property
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/conditackler
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My neighbor is obsessed with navy destroyers

He warships them

πŸ‘︎ 315
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rbk4life
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Why is the KanJPz an optimistic tank destroyer?

Because if it was pessimistic, it would be called the KantJPz

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said if I don’t marry her then she’ll destroy my hearing

It’s a wife or deaf situation

Credit for idea: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/l5550w/my_girlfriend_says_if_we_dont_get_married_soon/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chillie43
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
It you see a hungry zombie, destroy the hungry zombie.

It's a no-brainer!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened when Darth Vader destroyed Alderaan?

It was blown to sithereens!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you see that guy destroying snacks at the grocery store?

I heard he's on the Chex offender list.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Please destroy me for this monster ive created
πŸ‘︎ 743
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkdragon8169
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??

An Optical Aleutian

I’ll see myself out...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the lumberjack destroy his computer?

He was pissed that he couldn’t log-in

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudkipfan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
An earthquake destroyed my neighbors house

Good thing It wasn't my "fault"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A Chinese restaurant was recently destroyed in the riots.

It was wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was tired of drinking well water as he didn't like the taste. In fact, he hated it so much that he decided to destroy the well using dynamite. Unfortunately...

It didn't end well.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Destroyed

Bayern was too hungry, they 8-2 much.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/how2crtaccount
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Listening to sonic heroes makes me want to destroy a certain amount of robots

I wanna crush 40 robots.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the monster-sized piece of cheese destroying the city?

It's Gorgonzilla!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xero19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.

My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.

My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.

4yo: "I like your shirt mama!

Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?

4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"

πŸ‘︎ 899
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shade0217
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I was playing Destroy All Humans

When I asked myself, β€œWhy don’t we just use our DNA to make online purchases? It’ll be a new form of Crypto’s Currency!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBatJ3w
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.

πŸ‘︎ 837
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamizander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy just went crazy at my local dumpling house and destroyed the place.

He's been charged with wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cow farm destroyed in the tornado?

The scene was udder annihilation.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nevets52
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
So, if you destroy a church,

Are you a mass murderer?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ducki_momo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
They demolished an abandoned industrial complex near me recently and now I can't smell.

They must have destroyed my old factory senses.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I always wondered about the fight between Dio and Jotaro. Even though Dio had trained for months before facing him, Jotaro still destroyed him in the end

Ig he really didn't stand a chance

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStoneX1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
"Do you know that movies about Elves, Dwarves and Hobbits where they try to destroy a ring?"

"You mean The Lord Of The Rings?"

"Yes, that's the one I'm Tolkien about."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a priest perform an exorcism for my house, but I never paid the bill....

It’s been repossessed

πŸ‘︎ 237
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I saw a bunch of horses running in circles so fast that they were destroying the field.

It was a torneighdo.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrettyLilPixels
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
destroy capitalism toucan
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/najam10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Life is like a box of chocolates...

It's destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the farmer arrested at the gym ?

He was destroying his calves

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMusical
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Fun day out at the beach

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like β€œwe arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said β€œif you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Truplup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.

But they'll recoup.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A friendship destroying message
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jesus_Mcfly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?

Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abdic8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
They became the thing they swore to destroy
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maks24k
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A tornado destroyed a French cheese factory.

All that was left was de Brie.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A Jim Beam warehouse caught fire, destroying 40,000 barrels of bourbon. Warehouse workers were reported to be in "low spirits."

Seriously though, terrible loss.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/relativelyben
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who destroys computers?

A Hacker.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zhight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Ladies! Destroy the patriarchy with this one simple trick!

Next time a man tells you to make him a sandwich, just say "Poof! You're a sandwich!"

Patriarchy can only be destroyed with dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RogerStormzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what would be funny? A large group of people protesting, getting into fights with police and destroying property.

It would be a riot!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A tornado destroyed my cheese shop.

There’s nothing left but de brie.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate my new job in the shoe recycling plant

It’s Sole destroying

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CD-one
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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