DeepMind Puns

A man wakes up feeling confused, disorientated and groggy. As his eyes begin to focus he realises that he is in a hospital bed and there is a man leaning over him looking concerned. “Oh good, you’re awake, it was touch and go for a while there. Pleased to see you back with us. Do you mind if I ask you some questions, just some routine stuff? Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?” The guy nods and focuses on the doctor, takes a deep breath. “Err, th- er, thirteen??!?” “Correct, you’ve been in a terrible accident, three of these are yours.”

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. Mind you, he's not a dad yet. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care about that. He gave all he could and went abroad to get the best education from the best university of his time. He graduated top of the class. The he came back to his home town, got a job and fell in love with a beautiful young girl. They were about to get married but unfortunately for some reason god went "hmmm he's doing good for someone his age, better have small chat with him" and took him and he dropped dead just days before his wedding day. The bride who was about to get married to that man was absolutely devasted. She was so in love but unfortunately that didn't end well. She shut herself off from the world and cried every night. Lucky, for her the man left all he earned to be passed on to her if he happened to pass away before her. Then after a year of grieving the girl pulled herself out of her sadness and seclusion and bought a nice house for herself and settled there. But she never got married or made love The on one nice evening the women decided to go to the nearest pub and get some social interaction. She saw this young lad drinking booze all by himself and noticed he kinda looked sad. The lady decided to talk to that guy because she knew how miserable sadness can be. So she initiated a convo with that young lad. The lad took notice of the effort and kind heart of the lady and decided to share his life story, how he grew up in farm house and how he loved farming and all. He was rather peculiar about tractors and such farm equipments, spoke like someone describing about their love of their life. The lady noticed his love for his profession and inquired more. He went on to talk about tractors and all and how he dreamt of riding one when he was a kid and everything. He proceeded to tell how a few years ago a terrible accident made him hate the very tractors he loved as a kid. For someone who inquired more, the lady got tired of hearing about farm equipments and decided to call her day off and told the guy she's going to head back to her house. It was late night about half past 10 and so the lad offered to walk her home. The lady and the lad started to walk down the sub urbs, where the houses were distant and people occup

One evening Jake stole Joke’s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since it’s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didn’t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldn’t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapist’s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that he’s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

"Gee Rich...I guess I must have forgotten to pay you your allowance on monday. That;s the only reason I can think of you needing money on friday."

"Well.."

"Gone?"

"Well..."

"That's an extremely deep subject for a boy with such a shallow mind,"

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

So I laid on the floor in the kitchen after deep cleaning the entire house and yelled

"HOW DID THIS TRASH GET ON THE FLOOR?!?!?!"

Mind you, she's already mid rant about having to clean anything else at this point...and her walking in to see only me laying there almost got me divorced.