My wife after our son destroyed some garlic bread and threw the crumbs everywhere,

What a breadful night...

Is she the dad now? Are we both? Either way i sense more socks with Crocs in my future.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/69696969-69696969
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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What do you call a crumb, that you've mistaken for an apostrophe?

An impostrophe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyberfunk_Groove
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Bread puns make me crumb
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randyotter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
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A comedian told a bad joke so the crowd threw bread crumbs at him.

He took it with a grain assault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3Dbabble
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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Why don't astronauts care about leaving crumbs everywhere?

Space is a vacuum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/6DollarShirtsAds
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Crumbs - just happened

My kids got these chocolate covered ants cookies for Christmas. They asked me to open the package and I said be careful with crumbs, I don't want ants in the house.

Nobody but me was amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZER0EFFSGIVEN
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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Me: You left crumbs in the kitchen.

Dad: Are you gonna rat me out?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbtehbuild
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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Eating toast at a restaurant when I realize all the crumbs on my lap.

My friend: Well you've always been a crumby person.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/audrey_plaza
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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How do ants protect their sweets?

Insurants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Syclus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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Curse the creator of autocorrect! I asked my friend what the best shampoo to use was, and he replied β€œPanettone”.

That was last Tuesday, and I still haven’t got all the crumbs out of my hair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manpag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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What Do Breads Say When They're Having Sex?

"I'm gonna crumb"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sadboiiiiiiiiii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Why did the cookie go to the doctors?

Because he was feeling crumb-y.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paradeqia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:

Son: β€œI hate crumbs.”

Me: β€œThat’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”

Son: β€œWell I don’t want to eat them.”

Me: β€œAnd they don’t want to eat you.”

Son: β€œCrumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”

Me: β€œWhat if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”

Son: β€œAnd I’d say you’re ducking weird.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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It isn't hard to define it.

How difficult is it to define the word "crumb"? It's a piece of cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExcellentCatch8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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I tried to create a new lifeform out of dessicated sourdough

But I only bred crumbs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombumblebee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Idea for Oreo ad campaign
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaddyMac2112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Mmmm...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/134282
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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Why did the baby loaf of break fall to pieces?

He was a crumb-ling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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There's a few crows that hang out near near my house and ...

I've been throwing out some popcorn and sometimes bread crumbs instead of composting it. They like it. And I like them. They'll CAW at me sometimes when I get in the car.

I've heard that Crows....when they like you...they'll leave little gifts for you on your door step. Shining things, like bits of foil, bottle caps, buttons...etc.

And while it's not explicitly stated...they do expect something in return.

It's Quid Pro Crow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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What did the biscuit say when it got ran over?

Oh crumbs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smudge158
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?

Beam me up biscotti.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardedBinder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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I just dropped a cookie!

Oh crumbs!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarthPhl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shigglesmcwhigley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
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I found little pieces of food all over my bed and was dusting it off,

I honestly have no idea where it may have crumb from.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_the_rawdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
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What would they call a horror movie about bread?

"Bready or not, here I crumb"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdeddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
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The waitress cleared the bread from our table...

The waitress spilled bread crumbs onto the table

Waitress: Oops. Sorry the bread was so crumby.

Dad: I actually thought the bread was great!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blumpkin41
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
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Just now at Cracker Barrel. I don't even have a kid.

Wife ordered a house salad with her meal at cracker barrel, along with her salad came the grossest looking restaurant crackers we've ever seen, package was busted and cracker crumbs were falling out, they looked like they had been soggy at some point.

I say to her "well, as far as crackers go, I'd say those came from the bottom of the Barrel."

she laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BilliardKing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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dad joked my wife

My wife went to remove a bread crumb from our infant son's shirt and somehow managed to flick the piece of bread into her own eye. She looked at me in pain and asked "Do I have a piece of bread in my eye?"

I couldn't help but respond with "yes, but first I must remove the loaf in my own eye".

reference: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A5&version=ESV

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awhitehatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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Girlfriend got me this morning

We were almost out of cereal and she had 2 boxes that were low for some reason, so we had to combine them.

Me: "it's going to be mostly crumbs."

Her: "yeah, mine was pretty crumby this morning."

She's learning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keith2154
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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On Sundays when my dad brings home breakfast desserts from the bakery...

Me: "Hey Dad, what's in the box?"

Dad: "That box? Nah that's just a box of trash! I found it on the side of the road!"

Me: "Really! C'mon Dad, whatcha get?"

Dad: "I'm telling you, it's a box of trash!"

My dad has never failed to use this line any time he gets that mysterious white box of baked goods (be it crumb cake, donuts, or cinnamon buns), and it's never failed to make me run immediately to the box to see what was really in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marzi725
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
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She just groaned and walked away

Wife and I were at the supermarket yesterday and the broccoli had run out, just little broccoli crumbs left

Wife says: "man, what happened to the broccoli"

me: "looks like there was an abroccolypse"

All i got was groans. I had to repeat it 3 times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/desultir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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How did the loaf of bread develop Down Syndrome

He had an extra crumb-osome

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πŸ‘€︎ u/automaticpotato
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2015
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Earned a fist bump for this one.

Went to McDonald's with some fellow students after TAFE was finished for the day (for those who don't know what TAFE is, I guess the most similar thing would be community college?), and somehow one of the girls ended getting crumbs on her hat: "How did they get there?!" "I guess it's just a crummy hat."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clarrington
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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I got my roommate the other day

So I was cleaning crumbs off of the counter and I was catching them in an empty bowl from a cup a soup.I told her it was a really good idea to do this because it was disposabowl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrshitlips
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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What do you get when you cross a cookie and a hammer?

Cookie crumbs!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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