Crowning Puns

Years ago, my Aunt Ann ate a couple of hot dogs at the county fair, and afterward experienced some... digestive difficulties. I declared it The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.

My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.

driving down I-75 when we passed fire trucks outside of an urban active gym

Mom: Look at all of those fire trucks!

Dad: wow, they must really be burning those calories!

About twelve years ago, when I was little and my dad had a mustache:

Me: Daddy? What is it like to have a mustache? Dad: Go ask your mother.

There's no plaque.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

Because he wasn't the true hare to the throne

But I’ve seen Stranger Things

For a crown.

This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.

That description nails him to a t

Crowned Beef.

I get my crown next week

“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

Finally! Someone who understands me!

• my dad, just before going to the dentist on his birthday.

It must have been the delivery…

Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.

Affirmed!

because he specialized in crowns

Finally he got his crown

She probably gets royalties

... corona takes the crown

The hare-apparent

Look, now it's the Royal Wii.

She broke her crown.

There was a commercial for Crown Royal's new Apple whiskey and I said to my dad, "that looks like it'd be pretty good." He responds with, "Yeah, it'd be worth a shot." I groaned so loud

I studied the Gallup Polls

So I love orange juice, but I hate how it tastes after having brushed my teeth. So I asked my dad, "Do you know how I can drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?" And since he knows a few good home remedies like that, he says sure, and to follow him to the bathroom.

He has me brush, and as I'm doing that, he explains how the toothpaste does what it does, the chemicals involved, so forth. He then takes me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of orange juice, beginning to explain why the two react and such, and says, "here, see for yourself. " So I take a drink, and of course, its disgusting, and I spit it out.

"And THAT is how you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth."

She calls it her crown Juul.

They are both crowning achievements.

Turns out it was just her crowning achievement.

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

• “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
• “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
• “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
• “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
• “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
• “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
• “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
• “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
• “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
• “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
• “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

A crown witness

I found my feather headdress but it's getting worn out: I have a patchy Apache crown

If you got divorced because of a broccoli argument (long story) and a month after the divorce you notice your ex in the supermarket, and she has a produce bag full of broccoli crowns in her shopping cart, and you sneak up while she's not looking and swap the bag of crowns for a bag of stalks, can you be charged with stalking?

It was accidental.

Someone took the first leader's crown. I've heard complaints that he was winging every decision, running around like a headless chicken. He was probably too cocky to plan for coop attempts.

More on this as I find out information.

He's our crowning achievement.