A list of puns related to "Coffee table"
It doesn't taste anything like coffee.
I said “Well, we can’t get this one!”
“Why not?” He asked.
“Look at it” I replied. “It’s leaning to one side.”
You can’t even tell by looking at it.
I guess you could say I'm going to be cruisin for a susan.
Edit: I'm an idiot
Tells me to put my feet down, so I point at my feet and say "You Stink!" - Wife was not impressed.
http://imgur.com/6BmNZWp
... spent all weekend making this coffee table. I didn't think much of it until i saw him attaching some hoses, a water tank, a dirt tank, a fan, a propane tank and a timer. I asked him what the hell he was building and he said "Well twice a day it's going to shoot either fire, water, dirt or air." I sat there stunned and confused and just said "But....why?" He said "Why? Well that's because it's a periodic table of elements."
It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at “The Café,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: “Parking now, be there in 5.”
“Dad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.
Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, “Dad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The Café.
Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.
“Hello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. “I can’t believe it’s been so long!”
“Yeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. “Too long!”
Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.
After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u
... keep reading on reddit ➡First off a six-parter
No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?
A: he was wearing a naval uniform.
Anyone know similar nonsense?
On Christmas my aunt gave my son a small box of Swedish fish which he immediately devoured. At the moment he threw the empty box on the coffee table I looked at it with wide eyes and said, "Oh look! Now they're Finnish!" He didn't get it.
... he was single and treated himself to a nice evening. Next to his table sat this gorgeus woman. Red hairs, curvy body, green eyes and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.
He thought about how he could approach her, but just couldn't figure out a good way. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out straight at him. He jumped up and caught it before it hit the ground. They started to talk, one thing lead to the next and they ended up at her place.
A night of sexytime followed, and the next morning he woke up to the smell of fresh toast, eggs and coffee. She awaited him in the kitchen with a great big breakfast.
"No woman has ever treated me so nice.", he said, "You are just perfect. Do you do this for every man you meet?"
"No.", she replied....
"but you just happened to catch my eye."
How can she do this to me when her cousin has just bought a new coffee table.
I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development!) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went "Bahhh!" and I said "Now you've lost your tamper."
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
So, my table was ordering their drinks and the father of the table ordered by saying, "I'll have a coffee and a water. Black please." I responded, "we don't have black water here, sir." I am still ashamed.
The conversation at coffee hour turned to 3D printing.
Me: Hopefully we'll be able to 3D print pieces of meat so we don't have to have factory farms anymore.
Dad: "If we start printing the meat we'll have to eat it in megabytes."
He was very satisfied with the exasperated groaning from the rest of the table.
A year or two back, I was at this coffee farm in Hawaii. In the store, where they sell their coffee, I noticed a jar of Kopi Luwak on display (for those you that don't know, it's coffee that's eaten and defecated by an Asian civet). Because it's kind of a rarity, I was surprised that had a jar of it just sitting on the table. So I asked the older man that worked there if Kopi Luwak was something they sold there. He says, "No, we don't sell that shit here." I died a little inside.
My buddy and I brought in pizza from Godfather's Pizza this past weekend. We walked into his cluttered studio apartment with the pizza and some beers and I looked around for a place to put the pie.
His kitchen table had no room; neither did his coffee table. When I asked him where I should put it he told me just to set it down on top of his bed while we made space.
"Are you sure you want me to put it there?" I asked.
"Yeah, what's the big deal?"
"You want me to put the pizza on this - the duvet of my daughter's bedding?"
I could hear Brando groaning from beyond the grave.
I stub my toe on something
Me: "Dammit I just hit my toe on the coffee table!!"
Dad: "Need me to call a toe truck??????"
Never fucking fails.....
Love him though.
At Perkins the waiter asked her if she wanted bottomless coffee. She said, " No, that's not necessary. Plus it'd spill all over the table"
me: I'm gonna be building a deck somewhere down south.
dad: do you know how to get there?
me: Yeah, I have to go through a town called Lodi.
dad: I hope you don't get stuck there!
I guess I set myself up for that one
Mike Rowe on meeting Robin Williams the first time:
The first was in 2006 - June or maybe July. I walked into The Roastery down on Chestnut, ordered a coffee, and sat down to read the paper. I soon discovered I was in one of those chairs with one leg shorter than the rest, and resolved to remedy the problem by jamming a folded-up coaster under the offending limb. I bent down, got the thing positioned properly, and managed to smack my head on the edge of the table on the way back up. Hard. The impact was noisy, and sent coffee slushing all over The Chronicle, which in turn lead to an “Ahh...shit!,” a little louder than I intended. A second later, a voice said, “No, I believe that’s coffee. Shit’s the stuff I see you crawling through every time I turn on the TV.”
I was sitting at the table eating breakfast and my dad walked up and dropped this one. How'd the hipster burn himself? He drank his coffee before it was cool
Mother in law had a copy of Charles Dickens great expectations on the coffee table and i saw an opportunity i couldn't pass up.
I got my wife's attention and heaved a sigh.
Wife: "what's wrong? "
Me: pointing to the book "it was such a letdown"
Wife: "how so? "
Me: "well, when i first picked it up i had great expectations..."
Wife : groan/laugh "i should have seen that coming"
This wasn't the first dad joke I'd made today but one in a long line of them. i had also said this a few minutes previous to her best friend who caught the joke before i finished and did nothing but loudly sigh and groan. This is what first caught my wife's attention.
My mother in law was choosing me for leaving my breakfast utensils and drink on the table.
Her husband smirked, "Yeah, get your FORK AND coffee and get outta here!"
My sister and I both have MacBooks. Mine was on the couch and hers was on the coffee table. She decided to clean the coffee table so she moved her MacBook and placed it on top of mine. The golden window of opportunity flew open. "I see you've upgraded to the StackBook?" I laughed very hard and then proceeded to tell all of my friends.
Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.
Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.
My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."
I work in a pub, and I was clearing tables when my friend ran over to me looking very excited. She pulled me over to the coffee machine behind the bar, where she had dropped the jug from the steamer.
"It's a Milky Bar!"
My cat was climbing on the coffee table where my family has a nice chess set setup. He knocked a piece over, and my dad said,
D: "That's in illegal move, kitty!"
Me: "No it's not, he knocked the king over which means he forfeited the game."
D: "Oh, yeah, that is a legal move!"
Me: "Would you say it was a PUSSY of a move?"
| | Mom: "I'm not ready for this so early in the morning"
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