Browsing Puns

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

The Refresh Prince of Bel Air.

Hope this hasn't been posted before

I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc

Must be because it’s 5 pm.

Wife: "Look, they used to treat pain with willow bark".

Me: "I'll give that one 3 stars".

Wife: "This one is about the invention of antibiotics".

Me: "I'll give it 8 out of 10".

Wife: "Apparently, they used give people cowpox to protect them from smallpox".

Me: "Definitely 2 thumbs up".

Wife: "Why do you keep doing that?".

Me: "I'm the curator of this museum"!

A Schopenhauer.

r/dadjokes on you!

I guess I was Quorantined.

You should breddit.

"I have my Riesens!”

Dave sees the girl of his dreams and asks Joe, “I can’t believe my eyes, is this girl real?”

Joe pats his buddy Dave on the back, “Yea bud, she Isreal.”

It's a parent this is the place for me :)

when he began to sob into his keyboard. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he told me that despite lurking for years he still couldn't build up enough confidence to ask DIY how to build a fence.

Disappointed I could only say, "Well son, you can't start to build a fence if you can't even create a post."

Edit: Thanks for the cold, kind stranger!

She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.

The son said, “What’s slash dad jokes?” Kids, right!

I said, "Owl see."

Cue eye rolling from her.

"I thought you had enough issues already."

So I was browsing netflix with the family earlier, and my 11 year old brother asked "what's Gladiator?" and my dad said "it's about a cannibal who eats women. After he eats them he's gladiator". It took me a second to get the joke.

Girlfriend: "Hey shcarneacarn, this October should be a scary movie marathon! Help me catch up on all the scary movies I've missed?"

Me: "Only if I can mustard up the courage!"

The glare that ensued afterwards was almost too satisfying.

Me: I really like these deep dish rims.

Wife: Really? I prefer hand-tossed.

Me and two friends are browsing the comedy section for a movie to watch.

Friend 1: "What's that movie, the one with the cow?"

Friend 2 clicks on it

Friend 2: "It's apparently a documentary"

Friend 1: "Why is there a documentary about cows here?"

Me: "It's a cowmedy"

Friend 1 & 2 groans

...I was asked if I intended to buy. I said no, I was just Windows™ shopping.

"What do you call twins conceived on a waterbed? "Off springs!"

Oh, dad. Your sense of humor can't hold water...

Shit, now he's got me doing it. Send help!

I was browsing reddit on my phone, and my dad comes up and asks what I'm doing.

Me: "I'm reading" Dad: "Well, what app is that? It looks familiar" Me: Oh, it's reddit." Dad: "reddit? I thought you were still reading it!"

I replied, "I guess you can't go on r/shitty_car_mods."

My girlfriend and I were looking for something to watch on Netflix.

Me: I hear good things about The King's Speech, have you seen it?

Her: Yeah, I actually really enjoyed it. Queen Elizabeth is in it.

Me: Oh really? Who does she play?

I ask the waiter, "I see you have a Cajun Chicken Pasta, but I'm trying to be more conscious of where my food comes from. Do you have a cage free chicken pasta?"