My wife told me I’ve grown as a person
Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
What award should the person get who invented knock knock jokes?
TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.
This whole time I thought he was just a theoretical physicist...
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
A chemist froze himself to -273.15°C and everyone called him crazy but personally,
I personally want to see Radigascar
Warning...."To the person who stole my glasses....."
"I'll find you....I have contacts."
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
Person to my dad “How long have you been married?”
Dad: “10 of the happiest years of my life”
(They’ve been married 43 years)
Kinder Person Award goes to...
What do you call a person who can't hear?
You can call him anything cause he won't able to hear you.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
what is the sleepiest personality type?
What does a person who fakes injuries like to drink?
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet
Space X has really taken off this past year
My wife told me, “You shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”
...”You are much bigger than that.”
What do you call a person who thinks he or she has not earned enough money?
As an immune deficient person, anti vaxxers make me sick
Personally, though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
I found out today that I perfectly match the profile of the type of person who spoils their ballot paper.
I tick all the right boxes.
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
THERE ISN'T A SINGLE PERSON ALIVE TODAY WHO IS
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
If a male person bursts into laughter...
... can he then be accused of manslaughter?
What do you call a smart gay person?
When a short person waves at you, it's called....
Batteries have split personalities
On the one side, they are positive, while on the other, they are negative
Every person you have ever met..
Person 1: “Will you follow me?”
Person 2: “No I’m gonna follow sleep.”
The person who invented Russian roulette
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
What do you call a person with no body and no nose?
What do you call a little person psychic on the run from the cops?
What does a dead person do to lose weight?
What does a person who is turned on by tall buildings have?
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Person in front of me ordering coffee asked "can I have a large house?"
And I said "not without a large mortgage"
What do you call it when a British person takes a good long look at something?
My wife and I are finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of visiting The Golden Gate in person.
She said, “What would you do when you finally see it?”
I said, “I’ll cross the bridge when I get there.”
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
With all the personal battles we had to go through last year
I guess we can finally say 2020 won :/
Happy new year people!!
TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.
I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.
To the person who stole my spectacles. I will find you.
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?
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