Mutually Assured Destruction?

That would be MAD!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHarcker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Rest assured.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vens8
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. /r/Jokes/comments/hrlc58/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLegendOfTrain
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Watch manufacturer quality assurance checklist
  • Does the big hand move clockwise?

Tick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaltemrix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Wanna hear a Chemistry joke?

I assure you, everyone reacts quickly to this one!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wafran
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?

Stake n shake!

(I'm not sure if this is a regional restaurant but I assure you it exists.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieHeyHeyHeyOh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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What did the mandolorian say to assure the tourist he wasn't lost?

This is the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jxwtf585
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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I was asked who my favorite vampire is. I said β€œthe muppet from Sesame Street”

They told me β€œhe doesn’t count!”. I replied β€œI assure you he does”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I've been having some separation anxiety recently, and my Jamaican psychiatrist recommended that I bend an old pen around my finger as an exercise in self-assurance

Worked like a charm, I really feel like I am in de pen dent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOontzOontz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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The bee keeper gave me the irresponsible bee.

It was okay, he assured me that it would beehave

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tcf-27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My father has you all beat, I assure you.

We were working on getting him a new SSD for his work laptop and he dropped this little nugget: "If I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive, would that enable cloud computing?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derlique
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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No wonder all my baked potatoes are so self-assured upsidedowngrin.com/collec…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upsidedowngrincom
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2015
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I went to see a physiotherapist recently for a spinal injury.

He was so encouraging, he assured me that he has my back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCMRaven
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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You may not like Minecraft now...

But when the movie comes out, I assure you, it’s gonna be a blockbuster.

Credit: u/Iziahzay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vrn-722
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Studying abroad

It has just become clear to me that my parents and I have very different views on the meaning of studying a broad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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My publicist spent today taking photos of me deep within a dark cavern.

She assured me the photos would receive high exposure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannysilver90
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.

Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oconnellj4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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I'm thinking of starting a candle making company.

My family doesn't think it's a good idea, but I keep assuring them it makes scents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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If two vegans get in an argument

is it still considered beef?

Told by my 12 year old brother, he got poor reactions from my siblings but I assured him the joke was well done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/artyboi37
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured me it would be great. He tells me "A Yaba-Dab-will-do-ya"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itchy_Horse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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I called the casino to ask why the used card decks I ordered were still undelivered.

They assured me they were dealing with it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Candidates for the president of the Evolution Society said that the anonymous votes were fudged...

But the committee assured them it was just natural selection!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I once met Meatloaf when I was working as a car salesman.

He came in looking for a small coupe for his wife’s forthcoming birthday. He found one he liked and we completed a test drive together. The car was listed at Β£28,000 plus tax. He was deep in thought looking around the car but unfortunately for me he decided not to buy it. I was in my 20s, had a young family and working a commission only job so a couple of days later I rang him to see if anything could be done. He was keen on the car but didn’t like the Β£28,000 plus tax price tag. I assured him that this was a great price for the car, however he said that it wasn’t so much the price of the car, it was more the tax. He said, β€˜I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do VAT’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CromulentDucky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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My mother was horrified when she found out my dad fell out of a window.

It's okay, he assured her that it was totally paneless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gorpy0104
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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I really want to go rock climbing.

I heard it was the most natural way to get high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crabesmuybien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2015
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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I called my urologist for an erectile dysfunction appointment, but they have been super busy.

They assured they'll try their best to... get me in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wasprobot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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I Asked My Dad What His Goal Was

Response: To live for ever, or die trying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellgramar
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
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I recently came across a business opportunity to produce bombs disguised as prayer mats.

The salesman assured me the prophets would go through the roof!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrmatt04
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Dadjoked a city... kinda

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchGoatee
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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My friend found bugs in her expensive organic bread flour.

She didn't want to waste it, but I assured her that throwing it away is the lesser of two weevils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InterwebWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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My son collects baseball memorabilia, so I got him a vintage Yogi Berra glove for his birthday.

He thought it was fake, but I assured him it's legit a mitt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunnyID
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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I just had Lasik corrective surgery.

During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."

Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisFRKNRogers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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A friend of mine introduced me to Indian food last night...

I thought it tasted a little funny, and wanted to return it. My friend assured me that would be naan issue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmcc24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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My 3yo Daughter came up to me saying her dolly was cold so I tore her off a piece of paper towel. She then said daddy this is a napkin.

I assure her it was quilted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRussianbishop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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My sister was in a pretty bad car accident a few years ago

Hit head-on by a drunk driver, she broke her right wrist and forearm (compound fracture), and broke her right femur. The doctor came to talk to us after the surgery and told us she was okay. My dad asked, "will she be able to play the trumpet?" And the doctor assured us that she would make a full recovery and be able to play after the cast came off. To which my dad replies, "Wow, you're one hell of a doctor. All she could play before was the piano!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omaha_shanks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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Nate The Snake

A heart-warming tale about a snake in the desert.

It's relevant to the sub, I assure you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOnFeb2nd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2015
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The history books got it wrong ... AGAIN

New evidence as been found that in addition to trying to sway public opinion against Tesla's advocacy of alternating current, Edison went so far as to try to criminalize A/C through the courts by claiming public endangerment.

Sounds like he was close to winning, but his own hubris did him in. He tried to assure his victory by attempting to bribe the circuit court judge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
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My dad ordered a burger yesterday....

Waiter: How would you like your burger sir? dad: cooked (self assuring chuckle)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiebs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
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I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.

They said, he doesn't count!

I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected Covid-19 ...

... but doctors have now confirmed that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they can now assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrWulf360
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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I'm thinking of starting a candle making company.

My family doesn't think it's a good idea, but I keep assuring them it makes scents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of starting a candle making company.

My family doesn't think it's a good idea, but I keep assuring them it makes scents.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report

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