A list of puns related to "All's Well That Ends Well"
Girlfriend's grandmum fractured her hip Saturday and got out of hip replacement surgery earlier today and has been given the green light that all is good!
I really want to tell her family "Hip hip hooray" but I think it will end up with me having one less person in my life.
We will see how that goes!
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, “Well, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.
There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.
The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."
[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition
This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.
The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.
The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.
There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.
Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.
After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, “Hey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, “go away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.
After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said “We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.
After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. “Hey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.
The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.
Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, “Wow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, “Say that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, “Well I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, “Charlie! It’s a talking dog!”
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."
A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."
A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.
The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"
Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.
"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"
"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."
"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."
"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"
The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"
The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.
Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit ➡There are now over a million subs for this silly, corny, beautiful feed of dad jokes.
Link to PROOF: http://imgur.com/ksprvA1
A million subs is a big number.
If we put a million subs end to end, we'd be able to reach a very small part of the way around the Earth... Double that if they were foot long subs, and we'd make it all the way around and more if they were the kind of subs that go under water.
That's why I'm amazed.
Well done everyone on being amazing dads with amazing dad jokes. No matter what kind of dad you are - inside or outside expected dad norms - keep the world laughing and shaking their head.
(I'll keep this stickied for a short period of communal celebration and then go back to the shadows as normal. Keep doing you, dads.)
So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the “American dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch
... keep reading on reddit ➡One of the classic Abbott and Costello routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. This routine was done many times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right. [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.
The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.
The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.
Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.
“We played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.
Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.
“We gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.
“Okay, and what did you have for breakfast?”
“Pea soup.”
“Lunch?”
“Pea soup.”
The boys started sniggering.
“What’s so funny? And what about dinner?”
“Nothing dad. We had pea soup too.”
“Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”
Bursting out laughing, they all said:
“Pee soup.”
(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]
This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.
My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.
Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"
Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.
After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"
He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).
...He could hear from the music and the roar of all the people, it sounded like it was going to be a lot of fun so he got in line to buy a ticket. Once inside he ran into Sally, whom he'd had a massive crush on since grade 3, seven long years ago. They danced up a storm all night, and he felt like tonight was going to "end well". 10 or 15 songs later they had worked up quite a thirst. They meandered over to the drink table and asked the guy in front of them if this was the line to get a drink, and he replied "That's right, this is the punchline".
So there were these two high schoolers, both madly in love. they were like the most well known couple around the school. so a couple months go by after they've began dating and they both see a flier in the hallway. it talks about the up coming school dance which is taking place next week. so naturally, the guy asks the girl to come with him. she says yes and the planing begins. he gets home that night and surfs the entire web for a relatively cheap limo company with still have decent amenities. after ordering that, he heads off to the local tailor and gets a suit made for in his girlfriends favourite colour, blue. then the week passes and he preparing to go and pick her up, so he picks up the flowers he bought her earlier that day and heads out to the now parked limo. he gets in and orders the driver to her house. he gets there and gives her the flowers. they go out for dinner at a very fancy place, him paying for everything. they both finally get to the school hall and head in to see all their friends. they have a wonderful night, dancing, having photos taken, they both really just enjoyed themselves. they even got elected prom king and queen! so the night is coming to an end and they both decide to sit down and have a rest. the girls feeling a bit thirsty so the guy heads over to the refreshments table to get her a drink. it's pretty quite there as in this joke, there isnt a punchline. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
So, I realize this isn't entirely in the spirit of dad jokes, but I think you all will get a groan or three in the end...
Basically, my dad is the epitome of /r/dadjokes. He is a walking talking dadjoke. So, it was quite the shock to our family when we recently found out that he has stage 4 Cholangiocarcinoma (the Bad Luck Brian of cancers.) and doesn't have much longer to live. Anyhow, his favorite image on the internet is of a dead deer on the side of the road with a "Get well soon" balloon tied to its leg. It cracks him up. Tickles him pink in fact...so, being the morbid family we are, that lead to this...
http://imgur.com/h2cCZQq
He might be dying, but I still call him dad, and he is still quick with a joke. As you can see his sense of humor hasn't gone anywhere. Our family's sense of humor is what gets us all through. I believe my favorite bad joke through all of this was his buddy who said, "Frank, that is the worst spray tan I've ever seen in my life." (You see, the cancer is shutting down his liver and he appears yellow from jaundice.)
I'm not looking for any sympathy here, dad's die all the time. That's a tough fact of life. I just wanted to spread a fine dadjoke.
Thanks for reading.
Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.
Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “I bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.
What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.
Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.
The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p
... keep reading on reddit ➡> In a group text with my parents and siblings
Me: Ok all, weekly joke: What is the highest form of flattery?
...
Dad: A plateau?
Me: That's correct! Great job dad :).
[The joke was supposed to end here]
Mom: I don't get it..
Dad: Well then you must be in a canyon because it's over your head!
All: LOL!!
it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.
He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.
"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."
The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"
"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."
Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.
At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.
"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."
"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."
This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.
One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.
One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.
One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr
... keep reading on reddit ➡HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit ➡What you need to know: We have a grocery store called Dominick's.
Artie and Dominick grew up in the same neighborhood and were best friends. But after highschool, they parted ways.
20 years later, they bump into each other on the street and the friends have a happy reunion. They talk about their lives after they left their old neighborhood. Dominick is a very wealthy lawyer and Artie is a mobster. Artie turns to Dominick and says "If you need anything at all, I'll get it for ya. Just ask."
Dominick :Well there is one thing... Artie: Anything. Dominick: Well I can't stand my wife. Could you get rid of her? Artie: Of course! Dominick: Wait! You're my friend, I gotta pay you for this. Artie: I can't take your money. Dominick: I have to give you something! Artie: Fine, give me a dollar.
So Dominick hands him a dollar and tells Artie when he'll be at work. The next day, Artie slips into the house and strangles the wife but as soon as her body hits the ground, the maid walks in. So Artie strangles her too, but as soon as her body hits the ground, the butler walks in. Artie strangles the butler and then the police burst in.
The next day in the papers, the head line reads: "Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Dominick's"
The end. My dad was saying the other day he won't be able to tell that joke anymore because Dominick's (the store) is closing where we live.
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Wife is 8 and a half months pregnant, we were laying in bed last night.
Her: Babe, can you get me a glass of water?
Me: But... it's all the way in there(Jokingly of course)
Her: Please, I'm pregnant
Me:... Well hello there pregnant, I'm Mick.
Her:(Slight giggle) Seriously though please, I'm trying to keep my legs elevated
Me: Isn't that how you ended up in this situation
And then she groaned and I was laughing like an idiot.
Long post is long:
Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!
Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.
Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!
Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!
Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...
Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.
Her: Thyme is running out...
Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!
Her: Aim for Potato Garden!
Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!
Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!
Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!
Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!
Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!
Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.
Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!
Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!
The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.
Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!
Are the spinach still operational?
Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.
Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...
Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!
Her: And the squashes and peas!
Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!
The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.
**Her:
... keep reading on reddit ➡My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:
L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O
B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.
L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.
B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!
L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.
B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...
L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.
B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.
L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.
B: Bull!
L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...
B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.
L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.
B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.
L: I know when I'm getting creamed.
B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.
L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.
B: And I just keep churning 'em out...
L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.
B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!
L: I thought I might've butchered it...
B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...
L: Well done, well done...
B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.
L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.
B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...
L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p
B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.
L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.
B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.
L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
Here goes...
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.
Sister: My balls are caught in the door!
Me: LOL, WHAT?
Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.
**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.
**Grandma**: *grins and nods*
**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.
**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.
**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.
**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.
**Grandpa**: No, $2.
**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.
**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*
~
**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.
**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.
**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!
**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.
~
**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?
**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?
**Me**: Wow.
~
**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.
**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!
**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!
**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
**ME**: I DID.
~
**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.
**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...
**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.
~
*while watching American Idol*
**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.
**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.
~
**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!
~
*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*
**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.
**Tyla**: Oh yeah? Well at least Papa loves weenies!
*Me and Papa look at each other*
**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.
~
*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off*
**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?
**Me**: ...Seen what?
**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.
**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about?
**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town?
**Me**: ......
~
*While driving through Alton one morning*
**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.
**Me**: Ew. Coffee is nasty.
**Grandma**: No it isn't! It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!
~
*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face*
**Grandma*Me and my dad went to see iron man 2 (I think?).. I'm pretty sure this is the one with the scene of Thor's hammer at the end of the credits. Well anyway, right after that after-credits scene my dad stands up, stretches, and announces "man that scene has me thor all over!"
Nobody laughed except my father, who continued to laugh all the way out to the parking lot.
My son, who's 8 was making some tea and unloading the dishwasher. I offered to help him pour the boiling water from the teapot and he said, "I just wanted to do it by myself."
I replied with "Well, you can put up the dishes by yourself."
He pointed to a bowl on the counter and said, "Well you can put that up by yourself."
I said, "You wanted to do things by yourself, why don't you find a way?"
He said, "I can't! I'm not tall enough!!"
To which I replied, "Hmmm ... sounds like you're still faced with a lot of shortcomings."
Lame, I know, but it still made me chuckle, and that, in the end, is all that really matters.
At last thanksgiving, almost all my relatives were together, and so we ended up turning the conversation to our other relatives. Eventually I found out that my aunt had been a chain smoker, so I replied "Well, looks like she quit just in the nicotine!"
A huge collective groan was heard from the whole table, but my Dad and Granddad smiled, nodded, and high fived me in approval.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
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