She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
Because he Missed-A-T.
I pointed to the toilet.
Still made it to my door.
And IPee address.
To talk to the idiot.
knock knock
Who’s there?
The chicken.
Me: Is one of them a salad?
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "as long as I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Address
Edit: Wow! I never thought my first award would be for a dad joke. Thanks anonymous redditor.
because he was under the rock
...Blank envelopes 😀
Hello, elephant.
At my age, I remember how deflating it was to spend hours and hours coming up with an email address or gamer tag that was both clever and fun, only to find out that 18 others had thought of it first
It was addressed to current resident!
The problem is rising.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
He refused to address the elephant in the room.
you need to address that situation.
Your Royal Harness.
That's the proper way to do it.
me: okay, where are we sending it?
Surely you've heard of his Gettysburg Address!
One broad day in the middle of the night, 2 dead boys got up to fight! Back-to-back they faced each other, they drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise so he came and shot the 2 dead boys, if you don't believe my story is true ask the blind man he saw it too!
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
He's now a Doberman Tickler.
I'm sorry to fawn over you guys, but you're deer to me.'
It must be a complex issue
Me: You're absolutely right. I'm the captain of the ship.
Girlfriend: What ship?
Me: The relationship.
They're all right now.
Mississippi
That's my IP address!
https://i.imgur.com/LzwLH5c.png
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Me: Ah, yes, let me help you with that. Turning to stack of envelopes "Your Grace, Earl of Envelopia, I have come to address you regarding the matter of correspondence you have graciously offered to assist in..."
Wife: ...Our son isn't even HERE, and he won't understand that for another 5 years anyway.
The doctor asked the first old man “What is two times two?” “194,” came the reply. The doctor turned to the second old man. “What is two times two?” “Thursday,” replied the second old man. Finally the doctor addressed the third old man. “What is two times two?” “Four,” came the reply. “That’s great,” said the doctor. “How did you get that?” “Simple,” said the third old man. “I subtracted 194 from Thursday!”
A new postman on a route sees that in outgoing mail are several letters he delivered a day before. He thinks it's odd and redelivers them to the right mail boxes. Next day he sees the same letters again and he gets curious and sees that they all were addressed to same street. He redelivers them again to the right mailboxes. Same thing happens on the third day, so he thinks hard and formulates a hypothesis. He wants to confirm it, so he decides to stop his route delivery and wait there rest of the day.
Around 7 pm, he sees 4 men come to the mailbox, take their letters and put them back into the outgoing bin. The postman runs over to them and asks "hey, you guys use Reddit?" - they say "yeah, how did you know?", The postman says "all that reposting is pissing me off guys"
Trying to invite my uncle to my baby shower went a little like this.....
Me:hey uncle can I get your address so I can send you an invitation?
Uncle:yeah come get it
Me:smart ass.....
Daw, pundit.
Does anyone know the Gettysburg address?
When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say “Look! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. “Where? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.
I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.
“Oh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. “We had a family in the neighborhood with the last name ‘Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say ‘Look, a Manwaring address!’”
I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.
It doesn't matter, it's earelephant.
"Ahhh....this takes me back..."
Every. time.
Student: "Can you address outlets?" Trainer: (turns chair towards wall) "Hello outlets."
It’s a problem that needs addressing.
The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.
Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.
Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother
Me: What time is it?
Dad: 3:36 pm
Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?
Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now
Me: ... What time is the party
Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.
Me: ...
Dad: 3 pm.
Had me and my friends laughing so hard.
He was told to deliver to the Gettysburg Address.
I don't like the way you're addressing me
On my street the addresses were marked 34B,36C, 40DD.....trip down Mammary Lane.
I pointed to the toilet.
you need to address that situation.
you need to address that situation.
Address.
Address ( a dress).
you need to address that situation.
Address
