A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks β€œWhat are you counting?”

And the guy says β€œhow many tattoos I have now”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepsea333
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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What's the difference between Hammurabi and a baby eating hash browns?

Hammurabi was Mesopotamian, a baby eating hash browns is a mess o' potato eatin'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_sir_z
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Hash thish been poshted before? /r/shubreddit/comments/e6…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImagingNerd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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The driver is hashing this out in court
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acadiel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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”Hash tag dad joke”

At dinner today my son says β€œmy noses keeps running” I say, β€œrunning from what?”... no one laughs but my daughter says β€œhash tag dad joke” and everyone laughs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananasamich
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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I mixed laxatives into my hash brownies.

For s..ts and giggles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/50t5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
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My wife's an abysmal cook. She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes...

She made a right hash of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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How do you call a hash, that you're not even sure is a hash?

Hash-ish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AutisticSombrero
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2017
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Why do blind people hate skydiving?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/singh-avi
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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Making breakfast and just burnt my hash-blacks
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datasinc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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My girlfriend and I had an argument about what to make for breakfast.

We hashed things out in the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_adamnguyen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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I got an interview and told them I was proficient in C and C-sharp.

Turns out that wasn't good enough to be a pianist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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In risky situations: Looks like we're cooking beef in hash oil...

Because the steaks are high!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmokeyDojo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
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Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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How do you know if a potato had a great day?

When it's peeling good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsKilLikeMine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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Literally my first words to my wife this morning

My wife woke me up this morning to ask me if I wanted a breakfast wrap.

Her: "You want a wrap?" Me: "I'm white, so I'm not too good at it, but I can try."

The disappointed look on her face was magical.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaisleyKid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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As a guy from Ohio, I love sports.

That's why whenever I tweet about my team, i go "hash browns."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyZillion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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I’m really not feeling a lot of these 4/20 jokes.

They’re rather blunt.

Edit: we can hash it out in the comments and weed out the bad ones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Narwhalofmischf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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What's a blockchain developer's fav breakfast item?

Hash browns.

ba dum tss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexgabriel_i
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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I kept throwing tater tots at my coworker...

But I stopped because it was starting to irra-tater.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glammshire
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2016
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my friend got caught smoking weed, this coversation ensued

Dad: so I heard he got caught for some DOOBius behavior

Me: Well let's just it was a chronic mistake

Dad: Were his parents blunt with him?

Sadly I couldn't think of another pun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iconic444
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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Got my wife good this morning.

I'm making hash browns and she says "we need to get a griddle".

My response, "yeah, maybe we can get a Hansell to go with it".

I may be sleeping on the couch tonight gents. Worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaingunXD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2015
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God damnit Dad

So my family and I went to a local diner over the weekend and the ordering went like this.

Waitress: Hello everyone welcome to the Diner!

What are you guys having to eat this morning?

Mom: I'll get the hash with a side of bacon and two eggs please.

Waitress: how do you like your eggs?

Mom: Over easy please!

I chime in: I'll take the steak and eggs. Eggs over medium please!

look over at my dad and he's smirking and I can tell he's up to something

Waitress: and how about for the Dad?

Dad: I'll take the Country Fried Steak please.

Waitress: okay that comes with two sides, what would you like

Dad: I'll take the hash browns and eggs please.

He's smiling.

I'm thinking dad wtf are you doing with that face you're making right now. Please don't tell m you're going to

Waitress: okay Sir how would you like your eggs

Me thinking: OMFG I know wtf he's about to say. Don't you dare dad

Don't you fking dare

Waitress: Sir, how do you like your eggs? Is Over easy okay?

Dad: Over Here if you can.

> > > >

Dad and Mom are going nuts.

My brother and i have our head in hands.

God damnit Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrumpSJW
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2016
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Dadjoked the cashier at Wendy's

So after ordering my food, I am standing to the side waiting on my meal. The lady behind the counter looks at a few of us and says, "I'm tired." I couldn't resist the urge... I replied "Hi tired, I'm the Hash_Slingin_Slasha."
Queue simultaneous silent groan from everyone within a 20' radius.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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It is funny the first time but gets immediately funnier each time he says it.

Me: Hey dad I got an A on my exam!

Dad: Oh wow you are a pretty fart smeller, rabblerabble I mean a pretty SMART feller! HAshHAshHA

Me: I am moving out...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irwin1003
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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