Fresh from my dad earlier today.... Yellow 34

A bloke has been feeling unwell, decides to go the doctor to get checked out.

Doctor: I'm afraid you've got a terminal illness, uncureable, only 200 or so people in the country have it.

Bloke: My god that's awful what's it called?

Doctor: I'm afraid to say sir, you've contracted Yellow 34

Bloke goes home to his wife, sitting in the kitchen all sad. Tells the wife: darling I've been to the doctor's, I have an illness called Yellow 34, it's uncureable and I'm really worried.

Wife: I'm so sorry darling but it sounds like nothing we can do Why don't you come to Bingo to take your mind off it?

@Bingo

Bloke wins 3 games in a row, full house every time, can't believe his luck. Goes up to collect his prize for the 3rd time.

Bingo caller: Sir, I've been calling number here for 15 years and never seen anything like it, you must be the luckiest person in the world.

Bloke: To be honest mate, I've had some bad news today, just came to Bingo to take my mind off it.

I've got Yellow 34.

Bingo caller: Fucking hell, you've won the bloody raffle as well!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azonic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
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Just have to share! Was texting with my friend about his rifles

He told me that with his most accurate rifle/ammo he practices shooting olives at 200 yards away and can usually get 9 out of 10 of them.

I replied, β€œWow, you can hit almost olive them.”

I’m thinking I need to stop with the dad jokes with someone who can shoot olives at 200 yards!!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2021
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Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were down on their luck.

They took one of their prized possessionsβ€”The Star of The Empire, one of the worlds largest diamondsβ€”to a famous yet discreet pawn shop outside of Las Vegas to ask for a loan.

The pawnbroker said "So I talked to my buddy who is an expert in diamonds to get his opinion. I can give you $200,000 for it."

Prince Harry said "You must be joking, I had this appraised at nearly 2 million pounds! Don't you know who I am, I'm a prince! My mother is Queen of The United Kingdom, Elizabeth II!!"

The pawnbroker said "$200k, take it or leave it. When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are..."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,

along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.

Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetaEd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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A rancher was taking inventory of his livestock.

He figured it wouldn’t take too long because he knee for a fact that he had exactly 196 head of cattle. But he discovered he actually had 200 head of cattle. He was confused until he realized he had rounded them up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caleb7896
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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I met a woman outside the mall crying

She had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found. When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Taken from dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Rapid Weight Loss

I lost 200 lbs of ugly fat in only 3 months.

I got a divorce.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/John1967miller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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0 - 200 in 3 seconds.

A wealthy man and his wife are living together.

One day his wife says to him; "If you really love me, then I expect something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds parked in our driveway tomorrow!".

The next morning she rushes out the door to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftClickMadness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I dad joked a room of 200 teenagers...

My job involves me giving presentations to large groups of teenagers. Today, I was telling them about different workshops we have on offer, including African drumming and DJ workshops.

So I said - 'I'd love to tell you a bit more about the DJ workshops, but I'd barely scratch the surface.'

Ever seen 200 teenagers groan and roll their eyes? Glorious :D

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/London_Pride
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them.

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A Twofer

Context: My little sister (10) was making gullible jokes, e.g. "Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?" or "Gullible is written on the ceiling."

I'm pretty sure this should go down in Dad Joke History:

Dad: I read a book growing up, it was called "Gullible's Travels"

Sister: What was it about?

Dad: About 200 pages.

πŸ‘︎ 959
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xanti
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?

A: 200 Dollars.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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Went bobslaying the other day

Killed 200 bobs.

Credit to a commedian on mock the week, I think it was Gary Delane but I can't be sure

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharliePlagueis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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An iceberg walks into a bar

Orders a single beer and leaves 200 USD

Bartender: Wow! That's way too generous! Iceberg: That's just the tip of an iceberg!

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n1had
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.

I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.

Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.

Towards the end of the hand, he went β€œall-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.

When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.

When the dealer counted up his stack he said β€œthe bet is $205”

And I replied β€œah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”

I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScrunchJeans
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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I went for a body wax today.

She charged me 200 bucks. What a rip off merchant.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Replaced the garbage disposal because the old one started leaking.

Got home from Lowe's. Jumped in and installed it. Told my wife no leaks and it's quieter. She said "how much was it?"

"There goes 200 bucks 'down the drain'."

She rolled her eyes, walked away. Now I have to do the dishes.

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMYTAITY
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed into a cemetery?

They found like 200 dead bodies

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/authenticstubbs
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s a Greek urn?

About 200 Euro’s a week

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoppy1x0_404
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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Whenever my dad passes a graveyard

Dad:Do you know many dead people are in this grave yard? Me;uhh... 200? DAD:ALL OF THEM!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaq-attack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea

Nobody has ever paid $200 to have a lentil on their face.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jp234989292
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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I just got dad joked.... twice...

What do you call 200 cows jerking off?

Beef strokin' off (stroganoff).

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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You know the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean in my face!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforpajamas
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Bicentennial year at the Indiana State Fair

Went to the state fair with the family the other day where they're celebrating 200 years! Came across a bison exhibit and I told the family, "look everyone, it's Tennial!" After about 8 seconds of silence....groans all around.

Even the baby started crying

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flattishsassy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Wife had me stop for potatoes (Long-Ish?)

Wife called me while i was driving home from work and asked me to stop at Kroger and get potatoes, as she forgot them for dinner. Also told me I might as well get beer (yay).

So i walk in the grocery store and check out the beer situation. Nothing on sale, eh. So i decide to buy the potatoes and walk to the liquor store next door as they stores share a parking lot and I'm not driving 200 feet.

I go to the liquor store, grab my juice and head to the counter. "Anything else?" The clerk says. Raising the beer and potatoes I respond, "I'll take the beer but i don't think this vodka is ready yet!"

He didn't find it funny but I was thinking of you guys the whole time!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flattishsassy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I was in line for the cash register at the grocery store with my dad

and I notice these big 200 pack containers of Tic Tacs, so I point them out to my dad and say "look, that is intense."

And my dad says back, "That's not intense, that's on a shelf!"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theendofstuff
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
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I was at the store buying desk chairs.

Some of them were really expensive.

I said "If i'm going to pay $200 for a chair, it better be the best one I ever satin."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebob5567
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2016
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Why can't Matthew McConaughey make left turns?

Because he's all-right, all-right, all-right.

https://media2.giphy.com/media/g5zvwUa9720pO/200_s.gif

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmccluskey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Long con to a classic dadjoke on my kindergartener

This morning, my 5 year old (Definitely not really named H) and I were discussing the hardships of having to attend (all-day) kindergarten nearly every day (on his third day). So, we applied some estimates and came up with the following:

Me: "So, there are about 200 days you go to school this year. And, since you're in kindergarten, you have at least 13 years of school. So you have about 2600 days of school left. At least."

H: "...Okay..."

Me: "But, do you have to do a week of school today? Or just one day?"

H: "Just one."

Me: "Right. And you can handle one day. You've already done that twice, and you liked them both."

H: "Yeah."

Me: "So, you can handle this, right? Just one day at a time."

H: "Yeah, I can do that."

Me: "So, do you want to hear a dumb joke?"

H: "Sure."

Me: "How do you eat an elephant?"

H: "What?! I dunno."

Me: "One bite at a time."

[H groans, flops down on the bed, and starts maybe-playfully kicking at me]

Me: "Hey, I told you it was a dumb joke."

H: "But I didn't think it would be that dumb."

Me: "You should know by now that if I say it's dumb, it's really dumb. Now, get dressed and I'll meet you downstairs."

[H invokes his future-teenager self and groans me out of the room]

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Monopoly

Mom: go inside, take your shoes off and go right in the shower you're filthy! Dad: can I pass GO and collect $200?!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomTheWhale
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend the social media expert.

Girlfriend: I really want to hit 200 followers!

Me: Well that's more than a little violent!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PicklePillz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Chain-dadjoked my friend this evening

Friend: I have to go out and buy a new tire for my car tomorrow.

Me: That sounds tiring.

Friend: groan Yeah, it will cost $200.

Me: Why are you buying from a tyrant?

Long pause

Friend: I'm not even going to respond to that.

(A few minutes later)

Me: I'm sorry about the jokes, but you made it too easy to keep them rolling.

Friend: Please stop.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AetherBlaze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the farmer who let his 196 cows out to pasture?

When he rounded them up he had 200.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perezgc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 311
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

You wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on your face.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/majblackburn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slidewriter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
a farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them

but when he rounded them up he had 200

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/citizenkraft
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad just emailed me this article about a crow problem in Boston

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysenterygary69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
🚨︎ report

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