Woodn’t Ie?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/strychinine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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My favorite puns are the ones that involve physical harm (ie Hertz Donut)

I guess you could say I like being punished

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jriggs97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Most people set their morning alarms on the hour (ie. 6am, 7am, 8am), but mine goes off half-clocked
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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A "Beast-ie" Boys pun
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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CHER-ies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billybob226
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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This tree has strange looking bear-ies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deptar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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What are fake Androids called?

Phone-ies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeKrispyKreme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Samsung decided break out into the IED Industry with the Note7

They heard it was booming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andaru87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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I prefer a bugs life anyway
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayshenny
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Who's the main character in the legend of Zelda?

[Link] (https://www.google.com/search?q=image+of+the+word+gottem&oq=image+of+the+word+gottem&aqs=chrome..69i57j33l3.5289j0j9&client=ms-android-htc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=_qE-mtWpN0cj1M)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neoraydm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...

Until I fell into the sink (ie the basin for the yanks).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Why did the cat decide to become a DJ?

He heard there was a lot of scratching involved.

I just texted this to my wife, and she told me to get away from her. xD

I came up with this one as I was looking at my son's mouse pad he got for christmas. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DGXR859/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boomkiller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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What do you call an artist’s underwear?

Paint-ies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimBobBoBubba
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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So I was talking to an Australian chess player...

He asked me if my friend was single and I said "You better check-mate"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J_A_C_O_B
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
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What's the best ecosystem to build a church in?

A prayer-ie.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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What do you call a rude statistician?

A meanie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bcmwolverine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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How do avocados communicate?

With 'guac'ie-talkies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DogAteMyNandos
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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Just went to the bathroom in the hospital

The urinal was labeled with a series of characters and numbers.

⬇️ 4U2PN ⬇️ it read...

4U2PN

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πŸ‘€︎ u/halfjew22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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"What are the names of all 10 reindeer mentioned in 'Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer'?"

"Well, let me see. There's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolf, and ... and... There are only 9 reindeer mentioned in the song."

"Nope. There's 10. You forgot 'Olive'."

"'Olive'? There's not a reindeer named 'Olive'."

"Yes there is. 'β™« Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...β™«'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmyxlplyx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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My son told me he's edgy

So I gave him a smooth-ie to cure him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackson160
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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What do you call a dog that likes wine?

A cork-ie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghstmnky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Oh Google!

Check out Google's suggestion when you search "anagram"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JjCasual15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
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Dublin Dad Joke takes the (biscuit) cake
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eoinh100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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Why did the horse buy a ring

He was getting mare-ied

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asapmip
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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Got my girlfriend the other day while spooning

She was the big spoon.

She says to me: "no farting allowed!"

My response: "how about a-quiet?"

edit: For those asking: "allowed" sounds like "a loud" as in a loud fart. "a quiet" would be a quiet fart ie: silent but deadly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sonicmantis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
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Why should you never shower with a pokemon?

Because he might Pikachu!

I used to get to do these all the times. When the drawer got stuck I would wrestle the obstruction inside blocking it and exclaim that this would not be a problem if we just had a lesser cheese grater...I began to love bombing there for a while. Ah...

Edit- no one got the grater joke then either, don't feel bad. but it was on the spot so it didn't need all the setup i ruined here. Try this for your brains: Our drawers often had a lot of utensils and stuff in them, and some of it was also big, like the cheese grater. That would get jostled and end up on top of a fork pile or whatever and be up high enough in the drawer to keep the thing from opening, ie the drawer would open to where the grater hit the back of it and jam the works up, right? the grater was too great. i needed a lesser grater so the drawer wouldnt get jammed. Did that help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSpaceYeti
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2013
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What do all police officers act alike?

Because they're COP-ies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
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Things not to say around Dad....

Anyone: "I'm gonna run to the store, do you want anything?" Dad: "Wouldn't it be faster if you took the car?"

Anyone: "...it was sent U.P.S." Dad: "you mean Oops? (ups)"

Anyone: "....would I!?" Dad: "Harelip!"

Anyone: "is it okay if I smoke?" Dad: "why?, are you on fire?"

Anyone: "I think I've got something in my eye" Dad: "It's your finger"

Anyone: "Did you rotate the tires?" Dad: "Nah, they spin when I'm driving"

Anyone: (anything that even nearly rhymes with "badges", ie, "matches") Dad: "Matches? We don need no stinkeen matches!"

Anyone: "Where are you at?" Dad: "I'm right here. Where are you at?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/j0hnk50
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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Thought of this when in Canada with the brother

Me: "I want to make a magic-themed Canadian restaurant called 'Harry Poutine-ies.'"

Brother groaned, but then:

Brother: "What would you call a fish dish there? E-skate Artist?"

Me: "...Abra-cod-abra."

Brother: "F&!%"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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Roommate got me in the bathroom

Bought this Santa toilet seat cover for the downstairs bathroom

Asked roommate if he liked it

Roommate: "It's nice, but is it a Santatary?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarryLovehandles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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Stranger dadjoked me last night in McDonalds and made my night

I was riding my bike home at night after work and I stopped at McD's to grab a burger. I was wearing my headlamp and an old man that was in the lobby asked me "Does that ever make you feel light-headed?" I groaned and congratulated him on being a grand dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datasinc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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My dad was getting inexplicably angry before washing his hands for about a month now...

Here's our soap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockdangle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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