What do they call steak from young sheep in Geneva?
You heard about the fruit clan that took their young grapes out into the hot summer day?
They were raisin' a family.
“Inflation is creeping up,” a young man said to his friend—
— “Yesterday I ordered a twenty-five dollar steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my credit—and it fit.”
I'm circumcised but my young son isn't
when he asked me how much they removed, I told him "about half".
What do you call a brilliant young musician?
One minute you're young and fun..
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
A very young lemon strolled into an underground metro station, buying and enjoying a coffee, chatting with other fruits and eventually riding on a nice, modern train.
One could say it was a sub-lime experience.
What fast food does a young cannibal order?
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Why couldn’t the young, electric train keep up with the old trains?
Because he ran out of steam
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
My iphone is only responding to Shirley instead of Siri.
I forgot I left it in Airplane mode.
Say what you will about anti-vaxxers, flat earthers and young earth Creationists, at least they all have a good conscience...
...especially as they constantly come out with tons of con-science.
What do you call a young adult who can’t leave her house due to a pandemic?
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
My son said, “Dad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?”
I said, “No. Get your fax straight.”
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in. My 7yr old daughter just told me this, so proud!
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...
But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.
My son asked me “What music did you listen to when you were young?” I said, “Pete Townshend”.
My son: Who?
Me: Exactly.
Why does Barbie look so young even though she was born in the fifties?
When I was young, my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory
My kid wanted to join the orchestra. I said "sorry, but you're way too young for that…"
"…it has a lot of sax and violins."
Why do hamburgers love young people?
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...
He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.
"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.
"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "¡Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
From my daughter (so proud)
When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.
A priest was getting very annoyed with his young parishioners during dinner time and said if they continued misbehaving even the cutlery would be punished.
One boy said to another: "What? the fork in hell?"
What do you call a jewish person who is too young to be considered an adult
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
My young daughter begged me to play as a horse. I begrudgingly agreed...
I didn't really want to be a neigh sayer.
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
My creative writing teacher told me to submit a creative 2,000 word essay.
So, I gave her 2 pictures.
Why does the older generation hate the young lazy kids
They didn't do anything, to deserve that
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
A young boy finds a magic lamp
He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”
The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. “Why’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
What brand of car do young sheep prefer to drive?
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