What do they call steak from young sheep in Geneva?

Switzerlamb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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You heard about the fruit clan that took their young grapes out into the hot summer day?

They were raisin' a family.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringdirt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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β€œInflation is creeping up,” a young man said to his friendβ€”

β€” β€œYesterday I ordered a twenty-five dollar steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my creditβ€”and it fit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I'm circumcised but my young son isn't

when he asked me how much they removed, I told him "about half".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fojiaotu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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What do you call a brilliant young musician?

a#m

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnatkTroll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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One minute you're young and fun..

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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A very young lemon strolled into an underground metro station, buying and enjoying a coffee, chatting with other fruits and eventually riding on a nice, modern train.

One could say it was a sub-lime experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePokemasterYT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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What fast food does a young cannibal order?

A kids meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a-scott-s-tot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Why couldn’t the young, electric train keep up with the old trains?

Because he ran out of steam

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dynamixx98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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What do you call a teenager who never grows up?

Constantine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.

Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/levitron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My iphone is only responding to Shirley instead of Siri.

I forgot I left it in Airplane mode.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Say what you will about anti-vaxxers, flat earthers and young earth Creationists, at least they all have a good conscience...

...especially as they constantly come out with tons of con-science.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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What do you call a young adult who can’t leave her house due to a pandemic?

Quaran-teen

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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My son said, β€œDad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?”

I said, β€œNo. Get your fax straight.”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.

Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathorcharcoal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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How do trees get on a computer?

They just log in. My 7yr old daughter just told me this, so proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DIEHARD537
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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I was talking to my friend and he asked me, β€œAs a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, β€œTo be honest,...

β€œ...my mother was never a young boy.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...

But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wgf5823
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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My son asked me β€œWhat music did you listen to when you were young?” I said, β€œPete Townshend”.

My son: Who?

Me: Exactly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Why does Barbie look so young even though she was born in the fifties?

Plastic surgery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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When I was young, my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory

I forget my response

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lez566
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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My kid wanted to join the orchestra. I said "sorry, but you're way too young for that…"

"…it has a lot of sax and violins."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PimplupXD
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Why do hamburgers love young people?

They're pro-teen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0rs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"

The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitethunder9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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From my daughter (so proud)

When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryToHelpPeople
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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A priest was getting very annoyed with his young parishioners during dinner time and said if they continued misbehaving even the cutlery would be punished.

One boy said to another: "What? the fork in hell?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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What do you call a jewish person who is too young to be considered an adult

Jewvenile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeDanny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"

"No" he said, "It kills them"

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My young daughter begged me to play as a horse. I begrudgingly agreed...

I didn't really want to be a neigh sayer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My creative writing teacher told me to submit a creative 2,000 word essay.

So, I gave her 2 pictures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1biglebowski
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Why does the older generation hate the young lazy kids

They didn't do anything, to deserve that

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πŸ‘€︎ u/your_username_sux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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A young boy finds a magic lamp

He rubs theΒ lamp, and a genieΒ appears and says,Β β€œWhat is your firstΒ wish?”

The kid says, β€œIΒ wish I were rich!” The genie replies,Β β€œIt is done! What isΒ your second wish,Β Rich?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?

They prefer carrion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahcled
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.

Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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What brand of car do young sheep prefer to drive?

Lamborghini

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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