So the customer asks the chef if anyone orders steak raw and the waiter replied β€˜yeh but that’s rare’
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Oh yeh.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vens8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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The toothbrush was invented in Arkansas

If it were invented anywhere else, it would be called a β€œteethbrush”

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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what music genre was the balloon most scared of?

pop

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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They sure do know how to promote lol
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rudymex2003
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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My son was born today (totally true story)

A couple of hours later, I text my wife

"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"

edit: the original message

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Einstine1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Did you hear about the guy getting hit by the same bicycle everyday, day after day..

Yeh it was a vicious cycle!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChknSchnity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

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πŸ‘€︎ u/officialmrkiller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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There's no I in dyslexia
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevski143
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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Is it easy to make your own whisky at home?

Yeh, it's full proof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tokioka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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A facepalmer from my Dad.

Backstory: Family friend has a new job, he's an Undertaker. He was in hospital because of a serious lung infection.

Dad: 'By the way [family friend] is an Undertaker now'.

Me: 'what!? Of all jobs I would have never have guessed that'.

Dad: 'yeh it surprised me too, he was in hospital not too long ago and was in a bad way'.

Step mother: 'yeh he had something with his lungs, an infection I think like pneumonia, almost killed him' .

Dad: 'doesn't surprise me though with him being in hospital, probably because of all that coffin'.

Dad: starts giggling to himself.

Me: 'really?...'.

Dad: 'what? I thought that was quite good'.

He has his moments.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoboOfTheSeas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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mum came home with pasta

My mum was so happy that she got a great bargain on pasta from the shop.

So I had to follow up with, yeh you couldnt go pasta deal like that.

insert canned laughter from me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silly-bowser
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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My jokes are expected...But every so often I surprise myself...

I normally telegraph my jokes, but this one was totally natural... Talking to my wife about my sister's upcoming trip to DisneyWorld and how they were going in May...

Wife..."have talked to your sister about crowds because of the opening of Pandora at Animal Kingdom?"

"Yeh, they are going down opening weekend, but skipping Animal Kingdom completely, I bet it's going to be a real zoo there..."

Edit

Obligatory eye roll and groan.

"Holy crap, I didn't even do that on purpose!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilbandit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
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Told dad I'm going to buy a bass from my friend...

Mum: Does your friend know you want to buy it from him?

Me: Yeh he's holding onto it for me until I can afford it

Dad: His arms will be very tired by the time you can afford it.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trogadoney
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
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Eating french fries with the girlfriend...

Her: "What's with all this horrible plasticy cheese on top?" Me: "Ah yeh it's not great is it? You could say its a little below par-mesan."

She sighed and made her best attempt to look disappointed in me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicyredwombat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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