I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around eventually.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
π︎ 910
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︎ Feb 16 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
I would love to get paid to sleep.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Ah yes medical pun (putting the actual joke in the title would kinda ruin it all ngl)
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter....
But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
From r/askreddit's thread "If your sex life was a country, what country would it be and why?"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
It really doesnt rhyme.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
These would be tender after a run
π︎ 43
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︎ Feb 06 2021
I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?
If good;
The good news is there is no bad news.
If bad;
The bad news is there is no good news.
π︎ 83
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I entered 10 puns in a joke contest. I figured one of them would win...
π︎ 209
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
π︎ 385
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
Waiter : "How would you like your steak cooked"?
Me : "Take a guess"
Waiter : "Medium rare"?
Me : "Well done"
Waiter : "umm, huh"???
π︎ 42
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
π︎ 164
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham
π︎ 349
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
A bread demon would bring a lot of pain.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
My wife asked, βIf someoneβs body just isnβt fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?β
I told her I think itβs worth a shot
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
Where would you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
I would cheat the Golden Globes. Hell, I would even manipulate the Academy Awards. But I would NEVER
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
I got a pun calendar and thought I would share
π︎ 126
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
A Groot Marionette Would be Puppetree.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
If pigs could fly, bacon would be leaner.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
π︎ 588
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesnβt just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon.
reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
In Ancient Rome, there were four types of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.
Poison IV would just make you kinda itchy
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π
︎ Feb 07 2021
When you said life would go back to normal after June...
π︎ 76
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Is there anyone who would act in a movie based on J.R.R Tolkien's The Silmarillion?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
π︎ 91
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
What would you call a man from GdaΕsk?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Why would you never murder on an elevator?
Because it's wrong on so many levels
π︎ 20
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
π︎ 62
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?
Modern historians call it balderdash.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
At first I thought breaking up with an egg would be hard...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
From my kids... Would you like a guide to falling down the stairs.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
What would mustard say when he didnβt see his sauce friend in a while?
Oh, seems we got lots of KETCHUP to do!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
What is big, green and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Why would a member of The Muppets be arrested?
π︎ 20
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︎ Jan 25 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
When no one is around, I would loudly describe the process of cutting down a single tree.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
A woman entered an online pun contest. She submitted ten different puns in the hope that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 84
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'
Until I fell into a printing press.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
How would Missy Elliott advertise her ice cream shop?
"Get yo' free cone π΅"
(credit: guy at work told this one in a meeting)
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I would tell you a dad joke
But Maury Povich determined that I am not the father.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Why is Michael Jackson bad at chess?
Because he can't decide whether he wants to be black or white
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
I sent 10 puns to a pun contest, hoping one would win
π︎ 49
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
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