Pizzakial $25.17 - The grasp of the desirous man is beset on all sides of the obliquity of the crust and the toppings upon them.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Target359
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...

Long time fan, first time poster.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.

One might say he is a master baiter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?

He’s too self absorbed.

πŸ‘︎ 296
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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I propose that the much desired New York Strip Steak be renamed to Washington DC.

This will make the District of Columbia, finally a steak.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooterscuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Recently revived my desire to watch Viking shows.

My interest was Bjorn again.

Hate this pun? I have no reNorse.

Thor-ry (Not Thor-ry).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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At one time, I had a strongly desired goal of owning a plumbing supply company...

I guess it was just a pipe dream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?

A hot plate

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otherwiseaaron
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I have 2 part-time jobs. For one, I put sodas into aluminum containers. For the other, I document a person's desires regarding what happens to their property after death

I can and I will.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet

Don’t really know Y :/ (first post here)

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HockeyTryhard25
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Trains have crazy desires

Because their locomotives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tru_Fakt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I always had a feeling that my son would grow up to be a pyromaniac.

He always had the burning desire.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Young tomcat desires his mother.

Oedipuss

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
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The season has arrived when I desire the company of an Asian gentleman. It happens every year...

It's Thai Man Time Again.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2016
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A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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720p, 1080p
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
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When my friend craves seafood, he doesn’t care what anyone else wants to eat.

He has shellfish desires.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Santa Claus probably has...

sELFish desires.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agentgames25
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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I need help with a pun for "maroon"

My team color is maroon and we need a team name! Color puns are desired

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmygreen717
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Did you hear about the leper stripper?

She left a lot to be desired.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seanfish
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Took my son fishing yesterday and there was a dolphin. When I cast out my bait he asked "are you trying to catch him?"

Me; "Not on porpoise"

He laughed 12 year old girl next to us cringed and said "porpoise... really?" Joke had desired effect.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shootinstraight88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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[META] Is this the ultimate dad joke?

A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction... because it was cooler.

She was not amused.

I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction

If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression. I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/welded_angus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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My friends grandfather asked Me if I wanted to see a picture of his "pride and joy"

When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products "pride" and "joy". The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times.

πŸ‘︎ 358
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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Got the girlfriend again (with extra-groan for Easter relevance)

A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:

Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.

Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.

Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.

Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.

It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HEHHHHHHHH
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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I don't want to buy a house without a front yard

Because it leaves a lot to be desired

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mississippi24
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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What's the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?

Normal jokes are created, dad jokes are grown.

Made this one up for my unsuspecting kids today and got the desired results : )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BXCellent
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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i have a passion for setting things on fire

you could say it

BURNS WITH DESIRE

slaps knee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bababababulbasaur
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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I think I've taken this one to a whole new level

Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.

They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."

"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."

"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."

"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."

"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."

Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."

Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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My knock knock joke from tonight's dinner table.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's There?"

".......Knock Knock."

"Who's There?"

".....Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"......Is anyone going to let the deaf guy in?"

(Repeat the pattern until you get the desired eye roll."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cliffkleven
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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The best dad jokes are the ones you laugh at more than the audience...

I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Sven
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Two antennae met at a bar...

They started dating and eventually fell in love. They decided to get married. The wedding left a lot to be desired, but the reception was great.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2015
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Reading about some college football prospects

With my girlfriend next to me, I was going over a 2016 NFL college prospects. Oregon has a defensive lineman named DeForest Buckner.

Girlfriend: "Is he any good?"

Me: "Some scouts think he leaves a lot to be desired with his technique, but I think they're just missing DeForest for DeTrees."

It was wasted on her.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firethecannons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2015
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"Dad, I want to keep bees..."

Today I sent my dad a text, proclaiming my desire to start keeping bees when I move into my new house next month. Below is a transcript of our text conversation:

Me: Dad, I want to start beekeeping at the new house.

Dad: I tried that once, but I broke out in hives.

Dad: Must be allergic

Dad: Not sure how to keep bees, but I'm sure we could bumble our way through it.

Dad: Don't know where you get bees so we'll have to comb the area for them.

Me: I thought if I ignored you this would stop.

Me: ...now I'm SKEP-ticle

Dad: Lol! Good one! Now I'm all abuzz with new ideas.

Me: Nope. We are done.

As an aside, my wife is pregnant, and I'm soon going to be a father. Clearly the dad joking begins during the first trimester.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riickroll
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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My Dad's go-to story joke

So my dad pretty much lays this one on every friend of mine he ever meets.

There once was this man named Benny, who had the strongest desire to live forever. The devil knew these desires, and arose out of the dephts to make a deal with Benny.

The deal stated that, in exchange for Benny's soul, he would be gifted with immortality. The only condition was that Benny could not shave any part of his body, ever, or he would be instantly transformed into an urn.

Benny went on with his now unending life and found himself falling in love with a girl shortly after accepting this deal with the devil. The girl however. Would not love him back because of his ridiculously long hair covering his entire body. It was said that the hair from his knuckles would sweep the floor when he walked into the room, and he would constantly trip himself on his beard.

The girl eventually died and Benny fell into a deep depression. He decided it would be best to end his misery by going to a barbershop, and getting a shave. He sat in the barber's seat, and as soon as the blade reached his skin, he was transformed, and all that remained in the seat was a large, metal urn.

The moral of the story... A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRagingKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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Wife was cutting up pears for a dip

She was trying to get all the pears on half the serving dish but one slice kept falling off, so I said "I guess that slice doesnt conform to your desired a-pear-ances". Groaning ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackmatter615
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2014
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Heard it at church

Who is the most desirable man on Earth? According to a poll of women, it is Mr. Potato Head. He is cute, tan, and if he makes you mad you can rearrange his face.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/butchpancake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2014
🚨︎ report

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