At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
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︎ Apr 15 2021
When I open the fridge after a long day at work only to find water, milk and juice, I start to feel like David Gilmour.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Aug 04 2019
A lumberjack was at work one day and was just about to start chopping down a tree.
Suddenly the tree spoke βWAIT! Donβt chop me down, Iβm a talking tree!β
The lumberjack chuckled darkly and simply stated βAnd now you will dialogueβ
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︎ Sep 09 2020
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
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︎ Aug 10 2020
There was a girl I work with named Novalee, and one day I asked her how her name was spelled.
She looked at me and said, βGuess.β I responded with, βWow! Thatβs NOTHING like how itβs spelled!β And from that moment on I would only call her Guess.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
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︎ Jul 07 2020
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...
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︎ Aug 02 2020
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
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︎ Apr 14 2020
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
My friend is such a slacker. He does his work and then loafs the rest of the day...
He's making good money being a baker tho...
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︎ Apr 11 2020
At the end of the work day coworker sighs loudly and says: How did we get here?
Me: I donβt know about you, but I drove to work.
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︎ Aug 23 2019
My wife was having a stressful day at work and just sent me a text "I'm losing my mind!"
I texted back "it's all in your head".
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︎ Oct 29 2019
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentineβs Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. β€οΈ
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︎ Feb 14 2019
My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"
She smiled and said "No"
I said "One day, One day"
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︎ Sep 08 2018
My dad got laid off last week and today was his last day of work.
He sent my mom and I this picture looking into his office. A parting joke well done.
https://imgur.com/gallery/Z92Ifjx
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︎ Feb 15 2019
When youβve had a hard day at work and you just wanna take a....
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︎ Mar 24 2019
My friend works at Goodwill and every day he writes on their white board. This is what he did the other day.
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︎ Oct 07 2018
I've been getting the bus to work since I dislocated my thumb and today was my first day cycling again. I was a little nervous...
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
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︎ Jan 21 2019
I lost my wallet couple days ago and had to go through security at work
The secuity woman asked "how do you spell your last name?"
So I replied Y-O-U-R-L-A-S-T-N-A-M-E.
She typed it into the system and was about to submit it when she noticed. She was so mad.
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︎ Sep 25 2018
After a long, hard dayβs worth of work I love to wind down by watching low-effort zombie movies and tv shows.
Theyβre all pretty brainless.
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︎ Apr 10 2019
What did the bee-mother say when coming home from a hard day at work and all her family is disregarding the table rules?
Why do you beehive like this?
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︎ May 15 2019
I procrastinated and now have to do all the work for my Middle English literature class in a couple days...
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︎ Feb 08 2019
Every day at work I write something silly on the dry erase paint 'whiteboard' by my desk and this is today's contribution. [x-post from r/funny]
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︎ Dec 06 2012
It was a slow day at work and my boss asked me why I was pretending to clean the counters
I told him I was being counterproductive
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︎ Jul 14 2018
My friend works at the zoo and was complaining about having to clean monkey poop every day.
He called and said, βThis shit is bananas.β
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︎ Jun 25 2018
I work with my dad, and we fight over the MP3 player sometimes.. Today I made him listen to Tom Petty all day. He comes up with this zinger..
Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?
Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..
Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."
Me: *facepalm*
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︎ Oct 19 2017
How do astronauts unwind and decompress after a long day at work?
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︎ Jul 13 2017
"[I'm] suddenly overwhelmed with piano nostalgia. I loved to play, but my really favorite piano thing was watching the tuner take apart the piano and meticulously work on the strings. I could watch it all day."
me: "So, you have pianist's envy?"
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︎ Jun 01 2016
Took the day off from work and helping my wife cook bread for Turkey Day tomorrow...
I sent her a picture of the progress, she replied that I probably used too much flour, I replied "Sorry, I didn't know how much I kneaded." Groans were heard around the world.
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︎ Nov 26 2014
Working in a restaurant, this constantly gets me chuckling. Definitely makes the work-day go faster, and one of my favorites.
"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" Whose is it?!
"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" We know that already!
"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" So whose is it?!
"Got an order! Nachos!" Of course not! It's the customer's!
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︎ Sep 21 2013
I work in a Mexican restaurant, and the cook dadjokes me the same way every day.
Any time I order something that lists "chicken" as an option, like fajitas for example, he asks the following:
"You've got fajitas? Okay, chicken or pollo?"
At this point I just tell him either one is fine.
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︎ Mar 05 2014
We were crazy busy at work today. Abnormally busy and someone had taken the day off...
So we were short handed. I looked at my boss and said:
"Next time we're going to be short handed, I'll make sure to bring my longer hands."
It was a really stressful day for everyone. I'd like to think her thoughts of how much of an idiot I am at least helped her blow off some steam.
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︎ Feb 24 2014
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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︎ Mar 24 2020
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