I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"

Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"

(Note: This actually happened today.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Umikaloo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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My friend works in IT and I asked him, β€œHow do you make a motherboard?”

He said, β€œI usually tell her about my job.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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What do you call someone who works for their parents, but still lives at home?

A dependent contractor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phyx8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it's full groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/petrifiedgumball
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Visited the parents after a hard day's work

Me: "Man, I am exhausted, I busted my ass today."

Dad: "I can tell, there's a crack in it."

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azsunyx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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My sister got her wisdom teeth out and I took care of her while my parents were at work.

Felt like a dad when she asked for a milkshake and I walked in with a gallon of milk and said "how shaken do you want it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/identitycrisis1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"

So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Decided to tell my parents some good news with a dad joke

"So, do you have to work on Labor Day this year?"

"No, we both have off."

"Did you hear they're changing it next year?"

"What?"

"Yeah, they're moving it to April."

Looks of confusion

"At least that's what my doctor said."

The dawning of comprehension on their faces, then big smiles and hugs!

..... Btw, I am a woman. I didn't specify in the post, but the context clue would be "MY doctor." I was just raised on sarcasm and corny jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonnieisstillhot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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My dad's pick-up line recommendation

So I'm having lunch with the family, and a girl walks in with a Google t shirt.

My dad leans in to me and whispers, "You should go ask that girl if she's 'searching' for you..."

Edit: told my dad about the turnout of this post during dinner and he told me he'd turn my Moto X phone into a Moto Ex phone if I kept using it during family meals. Looks like the fun never ends...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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Dad joked(?) the old guy at work this morning

I do maintenance on overnights at a department store. We're able to get away with quite a lot of joking around thankfully so it really isn't all that bad

Anyways, it's about 6 or 6:30 in the morning. The daytime employees are just making their way in for the day. Suddenly, I'm paged over the system by the old guy I work with on maintenance

"MetalHeadCrow, where are you?"

I love working with the old guy. He's a great worker and we really get along good. So, I run to the nearest phone, pick it up, and page for the whole store to hear:

"I'm right here, where are you?"

I was happy with myself

EDIT: I'm using my iPod to post so not sure how this will look. Also added a few words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalHeadCrow
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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Dad joked a new dad.

I work in a hotel reception. A couple with a baby came in and walked up to my desk.

> Dad: "Do you have anywhere we could change our baby?"

> Me: "I'm sorry sir, we don't swap them out without a receipt."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NejKidd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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This is a story that ends in my best joke to date.

I'm a nanny, the family I work for typically hang out for 10-30 minutes before the parents leave me and baby alone, just to chat and catch up, as well as to mitigate any potential meltdowns from a sudden leaving.

Anyway, Baby has started walking and is very keen to investigate everything. Yesterday he was headed straight to the electrical outlet. So I said to him, "oh no that's not a toy! Our fingers don't go there,"

Dad says, "baby disagrees"

"That's shocking."

Dad, "That's better than any dad joke I've come up with"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyDogsNameIsToes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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He believed it for years!

As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how "x" works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919.gif

I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, "Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white?" I start laughing immediately and said yes! How did you know? She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color. He believed that for like 6 years!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimillett
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Stud finder

Was headed home from work to wall mount my TV, wanted to swing by my parents to get my dads stud finder. His reply is priceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dougisfast
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Grades (dual joke)

Billy: "Dad!"

Dad: "Yes Billy, what's wrong?"

Billy: "How do I get good grades?"

Dad: "Well, Billy. To get good grades you have to B paying attention A lot and after Some time you will C that D time and F-ort you spent on homework actually payed off. and then you just have to do that until your E-gr parents can praise you for your hard work.

2 hours later.

Phone: Rings

Dad: "Hello!"

Billy: "So dad, how much money should I give to her?"

Dad: "To who!?"

Billy: "To a girl in my class. You said that to get good grades then all I had to do was to give her money. Attention says it will be fine with 20$, but I don't know."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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This dad joke is all right...

When I pulled in to my parents' driveway yesterday afternoon, my dad was working on his car and I heard him mutter "Goddamn it".

I asked him "Is everything all right?"

He replied "No, some things are half left."

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesSmits
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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Science joke build up

I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names we’ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you haven’t heard of β€œCytoplasm XXXXXXX”? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who I’d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off β€œCytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?” My manager chimes in β€œwow you memorized a lot from bio” I told her I went to college for science shit but β€œnow here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks college” to which my neighbor replies.... β€œI guess now you could say you’re a PROkaryote

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fly_MartinZ
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Got my dad today with one of the oldest Dadjokes in the book.

My parents got me a vacuum for Christmas. I got it out of the box today and tried it out while they were getting groceries.

My dad comes home and sees the vacuum sitting out and asked if it worked alright.

"It really sucks!"

He looked worried for a second and I just started laughing. He finally caught on and he let out a groan.

One of the oldest ones in the book, but I was proud of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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In it for the long con

When I was in 2nd or third grade and my sister was in kindergarten, we asked my dad why he didn't work anymore, he had retired earlier that year. He convinced us he had invented the question mark and every time someone read one, he got ten cents. It was funny, until my sister's teacher mentioned she was honored to meet such an important inventor at the parent teach conference. Then it was hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 184
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiggitywat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Had a true dad in my gift shop today.

So I work in a gift shop and a major portioin of our merchandise is dedicated to a large display of stuffed animals of varying sizes. Mostly everyone that comes in spends some time looking at them all but I got a special treat with this family today.

The parents and their two kids come in after supper time to look around. The daughters are looking at all the stuffed animals as the dad comes over. Dad immediately grabs the largest stuffed owl we have and holds it out towards his two daughters and wife and asks "WHOOOOOO is this??"

There was a collective sigh from the shop as the father and I crack up laughing. The best part was the stuffed bird's actual name.

Owliver.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glennodad013
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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Still cracks me up when I think about it. Dads are the best!

Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.

I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.

He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.

Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.

"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."

This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.

Thanks Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-Wing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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Not even hot weather can stop a dad joke.

Okay so where I stay it is unbelievably hot at the moment. We're already on the third heatwave of this summer so far. I came home one afternoon from work to find my roommate sitting at the island counter of the kitchen working on his laptop. He had all the windows and doors wide open and said it was way too hot to work in his room. So later, while I was visiting my parents for dinner, the discussion of the weather came up and I recounted the story with my roomate. My dad got that twinkle in his eyes and said: β€œWell, I guess if you can’t stand the heat, get into the kitchen.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkwr4ith
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
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Not sure if technically a joke..

Not really a joke, but it sure made me laugh.

A few days ago I was working on an essay about Harriet Tubman. I finished it Wednesday night and left it in the kitchen overnight. At some point during the nighttime my father erased one of my sentences. It was something like, "New York responded to this incident with outrage, with most sympathizing with Tubman over her economic hardships."

He replaced it with, "Harriet Tubman wrote the first draft of the film The Parent Trap on the back of a Carls Jr. sandwich wrapper." I didn't check the paper before turning it in.

My teacher was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hatsforfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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I love my dad's humor

My parents are heading up to NY on vacation together. We have a group text that has my parents, my wife and I, my brother and his fiancee, and my sister. All day, half the family has been traveling for either work of vacation, so there have been a lot of texts about when people have boarded their flights or landed at their layovers of destinations. After 2 hours without any texts, here are the latest two texts we all got:

Mom: We got to NY!

Dad: Glad to hear it!

(remember, they're traveling together. Oy)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattProducer
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2016
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Nice and simple one-liner from Dad yesterday.

So I bought a new suit for work yesterday and when I came downstairs dressed in it I asked my parents "how do I look?" Dad responds: "with your eyes." He though it was a home run

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hansel4150
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
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Got my wife with this one last night

[Discussing my plans to progressively steal more & more of my old Lego from my parents place]

Me: So this stuff I took was mostly technic pieces coz my nephew is way to young to understand how it all works

Her: But it's still harsh to be taking it - what about when he does become old enough for it?

Me: This is my plan for the future & the Lego which will go to our own children eventually... Call it... my legocy!!

[Wife makes one of the loudest dad joke groans I've ever heard]

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fortalyst
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2016
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Got a new job as a Waiter.

I told my parents at dinner tonight that I got a new job working as a waiter. My mom said that they will come and visit me. I replied that "Just because you are my parents, it doesn't mean I won't be expecting tips". Dad jumped in, "Don't worry, Ill give you plenty of life advice while you serve us."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rockgod14
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
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When Dad helps you Move

A week ago I just purchased a condo. After closing my parents met me at the empty condo, and we had lunch. While waiting for the locksmith to rekey the locks, we moved in a patio loveseat and 1 camping chair, and put them temporarily in the main room for us to sit. Everything else would be moved in the next day.

Locksmith comes, and while he is working on the back door we sit down. My dad turns to me and says "You've got enough money to pay the locksmith." The locksmith pauses and looks at me as I say "Yes". Dad then says:

"I'm proud of you for being able to get this place. And don't worry, I'm sure one day you'll be able to afford furniture."

The locksmith looks uncomfortable and moves to a different door. My dad then just starts laughing uncontrollably. I just stare at him in shock, it was so well delivered. And hey! The locksmith gave me a discount as he felt sorry for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jadeoracle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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On my day off he says to me...

Called my parents to say hello on my day off from work. Dad answers the phone.

Dad: Hello there.
Me: Hi.
Dad: <concerned tone> How are you feeling today?
Me: <confused tone> Fine?
Dad: Oh I thought you might be feeling a little off.
<pause>
Dad: <chuckles> hands phone to mom

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thevax
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2014
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Cringe-worthy exchange between my father and I the other day

Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.

So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...

Me: "Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO." Dad: "Nope. Looks like they're about to be the barbecued capital." Me: "...we may need to stop hanging out so much."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queerleaderr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
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Wife is pregnant so I'm starting early

My wife and I found out she is 8 weeks along yesterday! So I was at work, and a coworker mentioned that she had a pet deer as a child. I told her "Wow you had a pet deer? Your parents must have been pretty fond of her."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpy_Shat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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Every once in awhile the stars align...

I'm at my buddy's parent's house last night for his little birthday shindig with some friends. His mom is there and, while she's super sweet, she tends to find compliments for everything even if they're not needed.

His mom gets to talking to one of our friends about how the friend works at a bookstore downtown which happens to be a two storey building.

Friend's mom: "Oh, you work at Barnes and Noble? It must be nice to work there. It's such a building. It's so nice that it has two storeys."

Me: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more than two stories in there..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kr580
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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Dad making fun of my math skills

Last Mother's Day, I surprised my parents by making an unannounced day-trip back home from college (3 hours away). When I got home, my sister had just gotten off work and needed to be picked up. She texted my dad, "Send someone to pick me up." My Dad sent me to get her from work, and she obviously wasn't expecting me. On the drive back, unbeknownst to me, my sister had texted my dad "Trieclipse doesn't count." Suddenly my sister bursts out laughing. My Dad had texted back, matter-of-factly, "He can count to 10."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trieclipse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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Toilet humour from dad

I stopped by my parents house for dinner the other night. I brought up the topic of the dreadful condition of the bathroom at work.

Me (paraphrasing): I can barely stand the smell in there, I don't think the toilet has been cleaned for weeks.

Dad: Yea that toilet has seen some shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chels_meems
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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Teenage daughter got her first job.

So a teenage daughter got her first job as a waitress. When she gets home from her first day she tells her parents about it. She's really excited that they get fed at work. The manager told her, "Around here we call dinner 'D', so when the staff dinner is ready the kitchen will call out, 'D is ready' and you can grab dinner on your next break.". She tells her parents, "So I asked 'how much D do the waitresses get?" Dad interrupts with "Just the tip!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rcxpress
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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Dad hit me with a pretty good one last night.

My parents were coming over for dinner, and about thirty beforehand I realize I am out of toilet paper.

So I texted my dad...

ME: Hey pops, can I borrow a roll of toilet paper? I forgot to grab some after work yesterday.

DAD: You can have have a roll. I don't really want it back.

I don't know how he does it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shinynewbike
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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This is true, believe it or not.

There's two brothers that work with me at my job. One guys name is Jose. The other's...Noway.

Noway And Jose.

I told Noway to thank his parents, they're are geniuses!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ActionJackson22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2013
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Pirates are in the playoffs!

Got some awesome home-made pesto from my parents. They'd been at it for a few hours before I got there from work, just in time help pluck the last batch of basil and get some to eat. Tell my sister she should charge my mom $1 an hour for her help in making the pesto.

Dad pipes in with "Good thing it wasn't corn, or you'd owe her a buck-an-ear".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Acula_PhD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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This dadjoke gracefully emerged from its cocoon...

I mention that my friend's parents are engineers at Caterpillar.

Dad: If they work there for a while, maybe they will finally get promoted to work at Butterfly!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guess_my_password
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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