She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
He says he wants to make America grate again.
My sister said, "Looks great! I usually roast my potatoes in cubes."
To which my dad said, "That's strange, I usually use an oven."
I go to set one down between an elderly couple and the husband turns to his wife and says, "He's trying to drive a wedge between us!" I nearly dropped the plate while she just groaned.
I was golfing in the Australian Open for the first time. I noticed all the pros were putting various condiments on their clubs. Salt on a putter, brown sauce on a driver, ketchup on a 9-iron.
I my caddy why they were doing it, and he explained that an Australian thing for good luck.
Now, by that time I had already shot straight into a sand trap so I said to him: "Too bad I didn't know about it. I really could use some of that luck right about now."
He just smiled...
...and gave me a vegemite sand-wedge.
The dad suddenly sits up, sniffs the air and runs to the narrow opening.
"Somebody is baking! I smell nutmeg!"
The mother runs over and wedges herself in the remaining opening.
"Ooh! I smell vanilla and cinnamon!"
The baby poked and prodded but couldn't get past his mom and dad to smell the outside air.
"Oh man! All I smell is mole asses!"
And while I was waiting, I was standing on the front lawn beside the car absent-mindedly swinging a golf club (to test my sore shoulder). Daughter starts freaking out because she thinks I'm not coming. My wife tells her not to worry, Daddy's driving. And I told her "actually, it's a wedge."
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
he later leaves the bar, because he realizes that his alcohol dependence is driving a wedge between him and his family. After a while he returns to the bar, because he was so drunk that he forgot his wallet their. He then drives home, crashes into his own front lawn, knocks on the door, to find his wife standing their with a bread roller in hand. She asks him, "are you drunk you swine?!" he replies, "no ma'am, I just forgot my wallet at the bar, so I had to swing back and get it....because I was their getting drunk, I'm sorry for lying to you officer..." his wife then leaves him and goes to the same bar to get drunk.... his entire family consists of alcoholics...
But I stormed off the course when I realized she was trying to drive a wedge between us.
I was helping my daughter pack her car today, getting ready to leave tomorrow morning. She had a set of plastic stacking drawers wedged into her car, but in getting it there, it had come apart some, so we had to take it out to tape it together better. There was a black plastic bag leaning against it, and in all the wriggling, the drawers tore a small hole in the plastic bag. After taping the drawers, I noticed a small piece of the black plastic stuck to the drawers. I took it off and tried to give it to my daughter, saying, "Here's your hole," but of course she didn't want it, so I put it (you see this coming already, don't you?) in my pocket, and said, "Now I have a hole in my pocket." Her eye-roll was hilarious.
(Does anyone else remember a similar bit from the "Yellow Submarine" movie?)
I was saddened to hear about the passing of Arnold Palmer recently. I'm not a big golf guy, and while he deserves his legacy as a great golfer, he was also an inventor of some note, and I think he deserves some recognition on that front, too. The story goes that while he was on a golf tour in Turkey, he was having a lot of trouble with sand traps there. On the spot, he invented a new type of pitching wedge. He designed it with a broader face, to open up the sweet spot and help get out of traps faster. Sadly, I don't think that he'll be remembered as the inventor of the open-faced Turkey sand-wedge.
It's a wedge issue.
So, I have this pair of shoes. They started off as wedge heels. One day, I noticed that the heels were coming off, so I took them off. I can still wear the shoes as ballet flats. Anyway, today my dad walks in and picks up one of the heels. "Look at the poor little lost sole," he said. I responded with a Dream Theater joke that was also very 'dad': "Just send it to the Ministry of Lost Soles!" Then, he picked up both of them. At the exact same time, we said, "Sole mates!"
After thanksgiving dinner my Dad, brother, and I chip some golf balls on the course behind my parents house. I was hitting along and asked my father, "Hey can I get a sand wedge?" He then says, "a sand wedge? How are you still hungry?" -.- Lame. But I thought it was r/dadjokes worthy.