Vividly Puns

"Uno, dos..."

And then POOF! He disappeared.

Without a tres.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

...just to watch him dye.

I was clearing the table after we had company. I had to take a chair into my dad’s closet and so I asked “Hey dad, can I go in your closet?”. He slams back a “Yeah, but watch the tripwires” with such a vivid force that it physically knocked me back.

7+ years ago my sister and I were spending time with the makeshift hammock we had just built. She was spending more time than I was in it which led to argument.

Me: "Get out of the hammock or I will throw this Pretzel at your face."

Sister: "Go ahead and throw it at my face! I will just charge you with a salt!"

She laughed and winked as she shouted it.

Another time when she was around 8 or 9 she shouted something from the bathroom as she bathed.

Sister: "Everyone! what does a pirate say when his bath is too cold?"

Family: "What?"

Sister: "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"

These aren't even the best moments she has had. I just remember them most vividly.

He usually mumbles something. But last night he said vividly: "That is the worst dad joke I've ever heard."

I think I need to stop telling dad jokes

The year was 2007. The movie Reign Over Me was showing in theaters, so my family made our way down to the theater. My dad moseys his way on up to the ticket counter,

Dad: Can I have four tickets to that show... What's it called... Something about the weather?

Ticket Counter Woman: (blank stare)

Dad: Oh I know, I'll have four tickets to Water On My Head.

Ticker Counter Woman: (more uncomfortable blank staring)

Dad: Oh I'm sorry, I meant REIGN ON ME!

Cue more blank stares from the ticket sales woman.

The fact that I still vividly remember that joke, more than all the others, 7 years later kind of amazes me.