Upped Puns

I said my goodnights but in return I got "Are you a broom?" "I'm sorry, what?" "You look sweepy"

My son made himself a banana sandwich.

Son: "This is what monkeys eat."

I thought I'd mess with him a bit on this "fact", and throw some dad humour at him.

Me: "What?! Monkeys don't eat sandwiches! How do they even bake the bread?"

Son: "With a g'rilla."

I think this kid is going places. I was completely outdone.

Eating dinner he dropped his fork and asked me to get another one to which I replied, "Fork you", without missing a beat he said, "knife one."

I was being my usual dad witty self today when my wife and I were talking about how much food we had grilled this weekend for meals for the week. I told my wife that she was just using me for my grill.

Without skipping a beat, my son said, "she's a grill digger."

We ordered Chinese food last night, and my dad and I love spare ribs. My dad pulls out the bag with the ribs and plops it on the table, it makes a "Thunk" sound and I jumped "Wow! There are a lot in there!" I said.

My dad smirks and says "Ribs? I bet we got a whole chest!" He began to snicker a little at his own comment.

"What do you mean a chest? They are clearly in a bag!" I answered. The look of pride and anger in his eyes was one I will never forget.

One day my dad & I were driving home from fishing and a Neil Diamond song was on the radio. My dad said, "This is actually an impersonator called Neil Sapphire." I immediately responded, "Don't you mean Neil Cubic Zirconia?" His groan was priceless to me back then, and I'm waiting for the day my son will do that to me.

(true story from ~30 years ago)

So my girlfriend and i were texting each other and came up with this beaut:

GF: Make me some cake Me: Maybe i can email some cake GF: It has to be less than a... byte Me: dammit

Walking out of the theater I said, "All I have to say about Hugh Jackman is that his name is accurate. He was jacked, man!" My dad looks over at me, confused. He goes, "What are Hugh talking about?" Laughs were had.

They actually make me money, some would say I’m an entre-pun-eur.

Than Soviet

...is a consonant struggle!

... to make up puns. They're all horrible.

I have a few examples of what I'm looking for. I like them, but I'm sure the power of Reddit can come up with some that are even better!

• William (Bill) Ding

• James (Jim) Nastics

• Bart Ender

• Ted Manwalkin

• Gustavo (Gus) Undheit

As you can see, they don't even have to be straight up puns when said normally, but their common nicknames lend themselves into it. Anyone have any more good ones? Bad ones are appreciated too, lets all have a laugh!

As a big proponent of the dadjoke I want to argue that a dadjoke is not just a pun. I see lots of material submitted here that might be better suited for /r/punny.

Speaking as a dad, for me a classic dad joke is highly dependent on the context.

I can't whip out old standbys at any moment and call them proper dadjokes. If I'm driving my kid to school I can't just ask him "Hey, do you know why the kids couldn't see the pirate movie? It was rated aaarrrgh!". That's just a bad joke.

OTOH, if my kid says "are" kinda funny (which he has before), and I make a joke about him being the youngest pirate I know (I may or may not have done this before), then that's a dadjoke. A shitty one, but still a dadjoke. The best context ones are where a situation presents itself and the dad takes the opportunity to make the lame joke (as in a post from awhile back where the OP overheard three or four dads make almost the exact same joke at an aquarium).

Straight up puns should go to /r/punny. Context specific jokes which rely on vagaries of the language or the funny situation, should stay here.

Just my two cents worth.

So, this set were mine, ended up in webcomic form. Also, new dad, so I qualify.

Follow the link in my name below the webcomic if you want to read a very short story I wrote which received the reviews:

>This is the most intricately set up pun I have ever heard.

and

>This is absolutely hilarious. I have to fav this. Seriously, you handled the build-up and reveal perfectly.

So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...

Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

I have a hunch it might be me.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...

I'm eggnogstic

I really have to make it count

I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”

Electile dysfunction

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

I’m kinda nervous though...I’ve never ran that far before.

2 Na

But this is as close as I could get.

To get the moist out of the day.

But I'm just not a bee leaver.

Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!

She said "This isn't working out."

So I took it back to the store and they gave me another one free of charge.

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

I just found out you get to work with dikes and strippers.

It was an unexpected Journey.

The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."

Confused and upset, I asked why.

The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.

But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

The cold shoulder

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

I told him "One more and it'll be truly gross"

Him:* lifts gallon * done

Her: no from the store

Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too

All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.

To get the moist out of the day.