He's a has-bean.
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Terrible timing. He always told his jokes without any paws.
Another season, another bad crop.
I had to go to prism before I figured it out.
Shakespeare.
Me: "Dad, I want to see the Vangogh gallery."
Dad: "Van-go? I'd rather Van-stay here!"
He ordered a small filet and when the waitress brought it by he held out his hands and asked her to just drop it a couple inches. That way he could say he caught his lunch.
An Attemptress.
I'm done with this shit
They were charged with attempted murder.
My fiancé and I are unsuccessful in coming up with our wedding hashtag. I’m turning to Reddit for help!
I’m trying to avoid anything generic or commonly used. My name is Amanda Hawk and my fiancé is Ryan Witt. The only thing I’ve come up with is #HawkGetsCaught or #AtWittsEnd but not my favorites. I’d love to see with what y’all come up with!
Bruce died. He was unsuccessful in saving Gotham city. Wakes up in heaven to see God standing right in front of him. God tells him it's alright. "Bruce Alrighty."
There really is strength in numbers.
(This was actually a mom joke directed at the dad trying unsuccessfully to tear a small phone book)
So around 130 this morning I heard someone using a circular saw outside my apartment. I got out of bed pissed off and saw through my window two people were cutting apart the fence surrounding our garbage bins and stole it.
After 2 hours of unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, I went out for a smoke and saw a cop car in our lot. Somebody had made a noise complaint and the police responded.
I spoke to them and after giving them a description of what I saw (they found the entire situation hilarious) I asked them "so would you consider this a fence offence?"
Groans were had by all.
My cousin is helping me and my family build an addition onto my existing house. Currently, we're working on screwing in drywall to the inside of one of the rooms, which I suck at. He walks into the room as I drive ANOTHER screw too deep into the drywall, and he asks, "Hey man, what're you doing?" I reply "Oh you know, just fucking up drywall," in an unsuccessful attempt to make myself laugh. without even skipping a beat, he said, "You mean you're screwing it up?"
Fuck him. He's a better dad than I ever will be, and he's not even a dad yet.
