Dad: What duck walks on two legs?
Me: Donald Duck!!
Dad: All of them, you moron
Me: shit
A prostitute goes to the dad, and he notices her coming his way. He quickly closes his son's eyes.
Son: Dad, what was that woman wearing?
Dad: Uhh, nothing.
This is a shit post
It’s just every time you ask them a question they are either too excited “Ooh Ooh” or nervous “Uhh Uhh” to ever finish their thought.
"What's the closest planet to our sun?"
"Uh, Mercury."
"Correct! What's the biggest planet?"
"Jupiter!"
"Right again! Now, think carefully.. What's the smelliest planet?"
"Uhh. I dunno..."
"Uranus!"
"Oh god, Dad! Stop!"
Lulz
After a stunned silence...
"At least it runs Java now."
1 GB
Dad: Hey son, how old are you?
Son: Uhh dad I’m 9
Dad: Let me tell you something, when I was your age I was 9 too!
So a man walks into a library, he says to the librarian, “ uhh can I get Ham and Swiss on rye? The librarian says to the man, “Are you aware this is a library?” The man replies “ oh, my mistake. He then whispers “Can I get Ham and Swiss on rye?
In my AP European History Class, we have to a Long Essay Question. For our final, we are allowed to pick from two different questions. We had done a lot of preparing in class for the Long Essay Question. It was most commonly abbreviated as LEQ. (ELL IEH KIYU). So on the day of my test:
Me: Hey Mr. [teacher], do you know my friend Ellie? She was in your class last year.
Teacher: Uhh, last name?
Me: Q
Teacher: That was awful
Me: Do I get extra credit for that?
Teacher: No.
He is running for student council. He can make two posters.
My idea. First one, don't pick your nose, pick Derek
Second. There are three kinds of people, those that can count and those that run for student council.
He is 12
Thank you for your help!
No, merci.
Dad:Do you know many dead people are in this grave yard? Me;uhh... 200? DAD:ALL OF THEM!!!!
Dad: "You're built upside down."
Me: "Uhh, wat?"
Dad: "Your nose runs and your feet smell!"
The whiteboard is always a mess from the previous class and every week my lecturer has been getting more and more annoyed that the previous guy doesn't clean the board after use.
This morning as he begrudgingly stepped towards the board he sighed and asked the heavens, "when will be the day that I stop having to wipe this board?"
I said to him, "I think the writing's on the wall Professor."
I got one cackled laugh amongst many groans
About 8/10 when my dad was checking out at the grocery store or best buy or somthing with a rewards card he would do the same dad joke (which I now find hilarious). If the cashier was a woman, this would go down:
>Cashier: Your total is $x.xx. Do you have a rewards card with us?
>Dad: uhh...I don't think so...
>Cashier: Well what's your phone number?
>Dad: Sorry I don't just give my number out I'm married.
idk if this counts but it was one of my dad's go-to's and the amount of times he did it combined w/ the eye roll punchline made it one to me.
Teenage me cringed, probably gonna do it myself at some point now. I accept my dad joke fate.
Scenario: We're closing up for the day, so we need to lock our doors.
One of my co-workers is holding on to the key.
Another one of my co-workers said: Quit being so dorky and give me the door key.
Groaning followed..
Me: "Say awe."
Son: with a half open mouth, "Uhhhhhh."
M: "NO. Say awe Big!!!"
S: with same half open mouth, "Uhh big."
GF: "Well, he's not wrong."
"hahaha ok so my dad comes in my room and goes do you like disco music and I was like uhh yeah I guess and he goes cause it looks like your stuck in the 70's and hands me my report card that has 3 c's on it and I died laughing it was the funniest thing ever"
Son:uhh 2:30 Dad:If your tooth hurtie than you should go to the dentist
#1: Hey, can you spell BMW?
#2: Uhh sure... BEW.
#1: BEW? Where'd you get the E from?
#2: From the middle.
Note: I have little to no background to this. From what I gathered, #1 was trolling and #2 decided to troll back with a quality dad retort.
My grandfather said this one while we were eating...
G-Pa: Asian accent Do you like seafood?
Me: Uhh...I guess?
G-Pa: Opens mouth. See food!
So me and my dad were outside the local park's eating area, which had a big sign reading "No dogs allowed" on the wall next to it. A family walks straight in with their dog. My dad, expressionless, looks at the sign, then the dog, then looks back at me and simply says: "Uhh... I guess the dog can't read"
I got two. This was at a wildlife preserve while my family and I were visiting Alaska.
- SCENE: Lynx exhibit. WILDLIFE PRESERVER: "And these are our 2 lynx, we found them as kittens and they have always lived here." DAD: "They're lynx, huh? So where do they take me if I click on them?"
Aftermath: She didn't get it.
- SCENE: Moose area. DAD: "What do you do if a bear charges you?" FAMILY: "Wave our arms and shout at it." DAD: "And what do you do if a moose charges you?" FAMILY: "uhh..." DAD: "You give him your credit card!"
Aftermath: The sound of 3 hand smacking their foreheads.
Dad - So your brother is really hoping to get a job at Verizon or AT&T. Me - Really why is that? Dad - Sell Phones.
We were camping and setting up a tent thing to cover our food.
her: i wonder which way the rain will fall (meaning which side it'll hit)
me: ...uhh down?
her: ...wow
mom: go ahead and slap him
"Hey amnesiajune, where did we park?"
"Uhh... 2A or 2B"
"2B or not 2B... Thats the question!"
Had a couple noteworthy ones from my dad in the last few days.
First: I'm carrying a couple of books around, one of which happens to be Atlas Shrugged. My dad sees and asks me, "What are you reading Ayn Walk?" I shoot him a quizzical look and an "Uhh... Wut?" He explains, "Well it's not Ayn Ran(d), it's Ayn Walk!" /facepalm
Then today we happened to pass by a sign for the town of Bruce, WA (whose name my dad shares) which showed the direction and how far away it is. I point it out to my dad saying, "Look, Bruce, 4 miles that way!" Dad replies, "Ah yes that's good but they got it wrong, it should say Bruce 4 miles this way!"
A conversation between my dad and I a few hours ago...
ME: Hey dad how was your dinner?
DAD: Great! I have herpies.
ME: Uhh... What?
DAD: She doesn't like them so I had my peas and her peas too.
"I wanted to get a shovel for her. But Cheryl said nooooo..." "Uhh.. why?" "So when we surprise her I can hold the shovel and yell SUPPLIES!"
My father had been in a phase where all he'd drink was wine from the Rhine region of Germany.
When the waiter at the Chinese restaurant asked what we wanted for drinks, my father, knowing that not all restaurants carry it, asked "Do you have Rhine?"
Waiter: Yes, of course
Dad: Ok, great, I'll have that!
Waiter (looking confused): Ahh, ok, you want red rine, or white rine?
Dad: uhh.. how about merlot?
