I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I just told my neighbor, Mr. Claimer he was ugly, but not to get mad.

it was my disclaimer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevononline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, I was so ugly, my mother took me everywhere....

....just so, she wouldn't have to kiss me goodbye.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
She said "Why are you holding that ugly great bee?" and I said "It's not ugly to me"

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gil-Gandel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or ugly because.....

At the end of the day it's evening

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that

Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I personally think that beekeeper suits are ugly as hell, but hey...

Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T0BBER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s ugly, stupid and delicious

Turkey

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UndeadNineKills
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I wish i could be ugly for one day

β€˜cause being it everyday is just really sad.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madmonkreborn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ugly photo of Angelina Jolie's ex-husband?

A brad pitture

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNorux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I told someone that she was as ugly and as bad as Trump...

You could say I pulled my Trump card

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/santy1551
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, I feel fat and ugly... Give me a compliment...

Dad: You have good eyesight !

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Forkos34
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.

They’re my last re-shorts!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a really ugly painting in the museum

turns out, it was a mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aNotSoShortName
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
People only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me ugly and poor

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGregGreg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone named NaCl just told me I was ugly

I was quite insalted

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cristidablu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.

But it is what is on the inside that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 679
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
The teacher said, "you're ugly and you breath stinks like ass" as he changed my exam grade from A to D.

That was an awfully rude re-mark.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Things are gonna get ugly
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/naumanafsar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: Want to see a magic trick. Me: Sure dad... Dad: That pear is so ugly. Me: What, how is that a magic trick?

Dad: You know, dis-a-pear! Magic!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aliasad1122
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you seen the clown that hides from ugly people?
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2xbb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
How to call someone both pretty and ugly?

Hey! You're pretty ugly!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scaryAstronaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I realised I was ugly when ...

the Uber driver that dropped me off got a fine for littering

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A mom brings her baby to the doctor who says - wow, your baby is beautiful ! She says - thanks, but I'm sure you say that to every mom. He says - no I don't. She asks - what do you say if the baby is ugly??

Well, the doc says, I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and say - your baby looks just like you!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
🚨︎ report
"You wanna know something? You are really really ugly," I said to the pack of bin bags.

"Have you lost your mind?" asked the woman next to me.

"No," I said, "Look on the label. It says they're degradable."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Here's your x-ray. Me : I look ugly in this one. Please delete this take one more .
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suparna131
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Today I went to this diner and my Lord, I was served by this incredibly ugly waitress...

She gave me the crepes!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Paisley is such an ugly pattern
πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElegantWeapon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I am starting to suspect that people think I’m ugly

Anytime there is a group picture, they always hand me the camera.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/illuminescent
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Step dad's ugly Christmas sweater

http://imgur.com/2qEvhzq.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dbrank
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
🚨︎ report
By itself this hand is ugly. But add another hand and now it's...

Hand sum

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Pass me the ugly.

We are from Quebec so we speak french.

It's lunchtime and someone at the table is getting thirsty. (Keep in mind that ''laid'' and ''lait'' are pronounced the same way in french)

''Peux tu me passer le lait, papa? (Can you pass over the milk, dad?)'' My sister says.

''Ben, le laid est just lΓ ! (Well, the ugly is right there!)'' My dad says while pointing at me.

He then proceeds to laugh, extremely proud of his joke. Oh dad..

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twitos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Voldemort is very ugly...

But he nose that already, so you don't have to tell him.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlazingMetal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Everyone is wearing ugly Christmas sweaters,

sweater you like it or not.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BioSlothInfinite
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2015
🚨︎ report
If I had one wish, I would wish to be ugly for one day

because being ugly everyday sucks.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AllenPoX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur!

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imawkwardtrash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I wish I was ugly for a day.

Because being ugly every day is killing me.

πŸ‘︎ 346
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me Ugly and Poor

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Woman used to call me ugly until they looked at my money...

Now they call me ugly and poor

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SorenTheOwl123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Women usually call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...

Then they call me poor and ugly.

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeohh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toad_mountain
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
🚨︎ report

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