If you buy real, block Parmesan you don't have to worry about tossing it in your bag
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_NoSkillJustHax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I was tossing around ideas for a neighborhood coffee shop...

It’d only be a scone’s throw away

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally broke a window while tossing a loaf of stale french bread

What a pain, what a pane, what a pain

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
"Stock up!" my dad said, tossing a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Tossing around dad jokes with some friends and I ask them if they sub to /r/dadjokes

One of my friends said, "That subreddit is the father of all jokes."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/italian_stalion13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
🚨︎ report
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. β€œKobe!” I shout. β€œNo.” He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Thought I would toss this one in
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...

Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I once asked a ninja if he could toss me one of those little stars.

He said, "Shuriken!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day

I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pantsalot99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.

But that didn't solve anything.

Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
While redoing the hardwood my wife thought it would be a good idea to toss me a plank. It hit me in the head.

I was floored.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Sea Captain

A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.

He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.

((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of cheese should not be tossed around or played with?

Sharp cheddar.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xevetv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.

But unfortunately Sierra Mist

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
With the new e.coli outbreak in romaine lettuce, it is really confusing me that the CDC is telling everyone to toss salad...
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notwutiwantd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
This term kinda gets tossed around

Hot potato

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mshwarzberg
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally tossed my wife the glue stick instead of the chapstick...

She's been tight lipped ever since...

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaymantheLegend
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Found this tossed in my yard. This company is throwing out money with their advertising.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/humblehome
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My grandpa learned to swim when his dad tossed him in the river

He said it wasn't so bad once he untied himself and got out of the gunny sack.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurntPasture
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My win in the staring contest got tossed out.

They claim I tested positive for stare-oids.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it "Rary" as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in. As they look over the edge, the mother comments:

It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
The Hulk was upset, picked up a Honda, and tossed it.

He was throwing a Fit.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rlchv70
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I attended the international dwarf toss convention this year.

It was called Yeet and greet.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_sturro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Coin tosses are a real head turner.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend tossed my dog a tater tot.

It fell in the couch and she could not find it.. I told her it was a couch potato now

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milesthe3rd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My nostril got cut when a buddy tossed a Police CD at me...

Now it Stings with Every Breath I Take.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErikF
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I am frequently tempted to toss both my dictionary and my thesaurus into my food processor...

...but let's not mince words.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.

That way I can set my own hours.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
This definitively belongs here
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BattleSymphony
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend with this earlier

we're heading through grocery store checkout. She looks over at the candies and says

"Ooh! Mentos!"

"I already have Mentos."

"Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sauron1209
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?

tosses him a frisbee

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roy-Donk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is the queen of England rich?

Because of all her royal tea's.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Choiceofart
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
This guy found a Leprechaun

This guy found a Leprechaun tossing a pebble back and forth. The guy said, "Hey, what are you doing with that pebble?" The Leprechaun replied, "Oh, 'tis not a real pebble, it be plastic" "Well..." the guy replied "...Then why do you have a plastic pebble?" The Leprechaun responded, "It's me shamrock"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxianLeader
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
"Stock up!" said my dad as he tossed a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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