I was hoping my friend would catch the can of lemon lime soda that I tossed her.

But unfortunately, Sierra Mist.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...

Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day

I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pantsalot99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of cheese should not be tossed around or played with?

Sharp cheddar.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xevetv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
This term kinda gets tossed around

Hot potato

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mshwarzberg
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally tossed my wife the glue stick instead of the chapstick...

She's been tight lipped ever since...

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaymantheLegend
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Found this tossed in my yard. This company is throwing out money with their advertising.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/humblehome
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My win in the staring contest got tossed out.

They claim I tested positive for stare-oids.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My grandpa learned to swim when his dad tossed him in the river

He said it wasn't so bad once he untied himself and got out of the gunny sack.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurntPasture
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
The Hulk was upset, picked up a Honda, and tossed it.

He was throwing a Fit.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rlchv70
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My nostril got cut when a buddy tossed a Police CD at me...

Now it Stings with Every Breath I Take.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErikF
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend tossed my dog a tater tot.

It fell in the couch and she could not find it.. I told her it was a couch potato now

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milesthe3rd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
"Stock up!" said my dad as he tossed a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Thought I would toss this one in
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. β€œKobe!” I shout. β€œNo.” He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I once asked a ninja if he could toss me one of those little stars.

He said, "Shuriken!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.

But that didn't solve anything.

Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Noah's berries.

It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.

Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."

After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"

Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."

Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreggAlan
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
While redoing the hardwood my wife thought it would be a good idea to toss me a plank. It hit me in the head.

I was floored.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
At my funeral

Grab the bouquet from my casket and give it a toss, see who's next.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A murderous fortune telling dwarf...

is technically a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crow_Nevermore
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FananaBartman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
If you buy real, block Parmesan you don't have to worry about tossing it in your bag
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_NoSkillJustHax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to sync her phone

So I tossed it in the pool.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was seen doing something curious on a flight to Europe

Before boarding the plane, he threw some salt off the flight bridge

After they landed, he tossed some paprika

On the next leg, some nutmeg and a pinch of cumin.

The flight crew saw the combination, there was only one conclusion they could make...

He was a seasoned traveler

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
With the new e.coli outbreak in romaine lettuce, it is really confusing me that the CDC is telling everyone to toss salad...
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notwutiwantd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I was tossing around ideas for a neighborhood coffee shop...

It’d only be a scone’s throw away

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it "Rary" as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in. As they look over the edge, the mother comments:

It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Coin tosses are a real head turner.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I accidentally broke a window while tossing a loaf of stale french bread

What a pain, what a pane, what a pain

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Sea Captain

A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.

He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.

((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I am frequently tempted to toss both my dictionary and my thesaurus into my food processor...

...but let's not mince words.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
This definitively belongs here
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BattleSymphony
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend with this earlier

we're heading through grocery store checkout. She looks over at the candies and says

"Ooh! Mentos!"

"I already have Mentos."

"Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sauron1209
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.

That way I can set my own hours.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.

But unfortunately Sierra Mist

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
"Stock up!" my dad said, tossing a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap.

"Donald Trump is going to make America grate again."

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nroak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Tossing around dad jokes with some friends and I ask them if they sub to /r/dadjokes

One of my friends said, "That subreddit is the father of all jokes."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/italian_stalion13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
🚨︎ report

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