A list of puns related to "To Have And Have Not"
We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Arthrites.
It must have been the delivery...
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
To clarify, WHO let the dogs out
The kids aren't taking it very well
It's an new Al-Gore-rithm
Sorry for the Saab story.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary
In Las Vegas there are more Catholic churches than casinos? Not surprisingly, many Sunday worshippers will give casino chips instead of cash when the offering plate is passed around. Since the churches get chips from so many different casinos, they have devised a way to collect the offerings. They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
Theres this Jewish man who has a son who leaves home and decides to convert to Christianity. He confides in his friend who goes “dude you’re not gonna believe this, my son did the same thing he left home, came back and was all of a sudden Christian.” They decided this problem was getting out of hand so they go see their Rabbi and ask him what to do. The Rabbi goes “you’re not gonna believe this my son also left home and converted to Christianity. This is getting out of hand we have to talk to God”. So they go to God and tell him their stories about how Christianity is running rampant through their community and ask for his guidance. God says “Guys you’re not gonna believe this.”
A little bit of Background information: When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner. Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion! He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really. However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business. The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this! My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.
Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago. I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency. Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.
After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his. At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed. He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement, his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these. I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.
So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there. Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job! Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month! At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life. You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you" I never realized how freeing it
... keep reading on reddit ➡Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
So, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce She gets the house and He gets the Windows!
According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring. The main reason she divorced Bill Gates because he was in Office365 days.
When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.
When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.
I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!
Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!
Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!
That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. “This technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. “Can you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”
“Yeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,“but it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained “When these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” “Treating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.
Knock knock
“It’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.
“There are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” “That future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.
She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. “Don’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.
Knock knock
“Now let that sink in!”
No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.
A $100 bill went to heaven and was heading towards the gate when St. Peter stopped him. The bill said "What's the matter?". And St. Pete said, "You can't go in". And the bill replied, "Why not? I've done nothing wrong. I was given to charity for the poor and I've been with the richest people on Earth". Right then, a $20 bill was passing by, and St. Peter stopped him as well. "What does this mean? I've been good with everyone and I've been given to the poor more times than the $100 bill". But St. Pete had none of it. Right then, a $1 bill was passing by and it too was stopped. "I've been given to the poor more times than any of these combined! This is outrageous!". And right then, an old, dirty and rusty pennie was passing through the gates, jumping with joy. He stopped for a moment and smiled at St. Pete. And St. Pete smiled back, as the pennie leaped into heaven. All the other bills were confused and enraged. And when they asked St. Pete why that filthy little coin was let in, and not them, St. Peter responded: "He was the only one to go to mass".
I hope you have a nice day!
P.S: No offense is intended with this joke. It was a joke that a Catholic priest once said, and I found it quite funny.
I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
Everyone knows the story about William Tell shooting an apple off his son's head but not many know that the Tell family was huge into bowling, even joined a league. Sadly, the records weren't kept safe and to this very day we have no idea for whom the Tells bowled.
...who was trying to hide he was bald. He damaged his hairpiece, not sure how, and was having a new one shipped to the office.
He was already kind of embarrassed and told us all, if you see a package for Peters (his last name) just put it on my desk. So I happen to be the one who sees it and as I'm bringing it to him my other coworker Paul asks what I have in my hands.
"Oh this?" I say, "this is Rob Peters' toupee, Paul."
The interviewer waits for the man to sit down before putting the papers in his hand flat on the table between them. "I have here the CV you submitted when you applied for this job. Unfortunately there's a 4 year gap on your CV, can you explain that please?"
The man shuffles uncomfortably in his seat and says "those are the years I went to Yale..."
The interviewer, not expecting this, was taken by surprise and said: "wow that's very impressive! You're hired!"
The man, surprised himself, replies: thanks! I really need this yob!"
Gnomads.
(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)
There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.
“Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. “Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”
“A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. “Let us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.
“I see”, said the student. “It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”
“That’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. “You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”
His students registered dismay and anguish.
“Isn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.
“Ahm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. “Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.
“So you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, “Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”
Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. “And he”, he said, turning to his students, “is clearly the gradi
... keep reading on reddit ➡Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
...the one thing I actually look forward to when we go to Hobby Lobby is the moment we're walking through the store, I try to keep a perfectly straight face and act like I have a genuine interest in something on the shelf, I reach up and I say something like, "Oh, look at this nice little Stool sample!"
(Not really a joke, but a true dad joke recurring scenario of mine)
Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom."
Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone.
Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award.
Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
Edit 4: making too many edits but thanks for the gold kind stranger (And all of them means alot)
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The kids are taking pretty hard.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
'The kids are taking it pretty hard.'
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.