This Man Puns

Yeah, but it's not what it used to be.

Sunny spells.

"No, it kills them."

So there was a man who really loved his tractors. All of his life were about tractors. He had posters, DVD's and owned a lot of tractors. This man loved his tractors.

But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors. It was his lovely wife. One day, she was out on the fields and got crushed by a tractor. The man tried to save her but with no luck. She was killed by a tractor.

This man, despite his love of tractors, he got rid of everything. The posters he burns. The DVD's he throws them in the bin. The tractors he sells.

It takes him a while but he finally gets over his wife and he goes on a date with a new woman.

So they are in this fancy restaurant and they enjoy their food. But all of the sudden a lot of smoke comes out of the kitchen. It spreads through the entire restaurant. Everyone panics and no one can get fresh air, so they run out.

The man says: "calm down, I got this". He sucks all of the smoke in, runs outside and blows it all out. He has cleared all of the smoke in the restaurant. He comes back in and continues his meal. His date is surprised and impressed and says: "How did you do that?". Then he answers:

I am an extractor fan

Now I'm ear-ring impaired.

He Saw Shank Redemption

One is a Caucasian, the other is a Caulk Asian. (Please don't hit me)

And he said “no I’m German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

Cookie sheets! :-)

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left. Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty. Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married. Man: Yes, that's true too.

Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.

I said 'No, I was thinking the living room'

I said, "You'll meteorite man some day."

He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground. He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!" At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"

I told him it'd probably go a lot faster if he used both.

The nurse says: AMAZING! how did you know that would work!?

The head doctor says: “It’s simple really… Time heals all wounds.”

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

I stan Bulls.

Nobody knows.

But it was a load of rubbish.

"Reindeer?" I asked.

He said, "Yes. Hence the puddle."

I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions.

"Certainly," I replied. "Up, down, east and west." Then I drove off.

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

"That's slander, man."

No change is expected

A cheese expert replied, “There’s no whey!”

I said "that's really annoying".

He said "I know, I can only apologise."

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

Owner: “Of course he sure is. I’ve sold him five times, and every time he comes back.”

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation

He was checking his Balance.

He called them missile toes.

Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020

Old Man : "Never fall in love with a tennis professional."

Us : "Why Not?"

Old Man : "Because love means nothing to them."

"No, it kills them."

"No, it kills them."

"No, it kills them."