A list of puns related to "The Wait Out"
on Sonday.
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
[We have just finished our meal]
Waiter/Waitress: Is there anything else I can get you?
Dad: Nope, that will be all, thanks.
[Waiter/Waitress hands us the bill]
Dad: I said I didn't want anything else...
Then it dawned on me
Somehow he manages to weave through traffic and lands a punch so hard the nun hits the deck spitting teeth.
"HAH!!" shouts Dad.. "NOT SO TOUGH AFTER-ALL EH, BATMAN??!!!!"
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”
The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear.
“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.
The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.
The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”
The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title.
“In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
One evening, three strings are hanging out looking for something to do. They eventually decide to go to the local pub for a beer. Before walking in, one string says, “Wait a moment…I heard that they don’t serve strings here…we better find something else to do”.
“Nonsense!”, says the first string. “Just follow me.”
They walk in and approach the bar. The first string confidently says, “Good evening sir. May I please order three beers for me and my mates?”.
The bartender looks at them dubiously and asks, “Wait a second….aren’t you strings?”.
The strings nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here…Get out!”.
The strings dejectedly walk back onto the street, and the second string says, “Hey I’ve got an idea. Follow me”.
They walk back up to the bar and the second string says, “Good evening sir. I’d like to order three beers, plus drinks on the house for everyone!”.
A small cheer goes up among the other bar patrons, and the bartender smiles and turns to fill the order, but then stops. “Wait a minute…aren’t you strings?”, he asks.
Again, they nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here….Get out, and don’t come back!”.
The strings slink back out once again. At this point, the third string says, “I’ve got it!”.
He flips upside down and rubs his head on the sidewalk until it’s sticking up all willy nilly, and ties himself into a knot. He then strides up to the bar and says, “Bartender! Get me a beer!”.
The bartender looks at him and asks, “Aren’t you a string?”.
The string then stares him straight in the eyes and says, “I’m a frayed knot”.
If you missed our last event, don't worry, because there will be another one. /r/dadjokes will be hosting an open mic night using Reddit's new feature, Reddit Talk! So come, hang out and tell us your best dad jokes! You can join using either the Official Mobile App or the Desktop Redesign (aka New Reddit).
We can't wait to hear all your dad's jokes!
We had some technical difficulties this week, so I am working with the admins, but we should be good for next week!
Get the kar-ma!
I’ll see myself out.
They were maid for each other.
A guy walks into a bar and orders just a plain old normal beer. "I couldn't wait to get out of the house and around normal foods and drinks again. My wife started one of those tropical fruit juice diets for the New Year. The house is completely full of the stuff," the guy complains. "It's enough to make a mango crazy."
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
They took my son to run through some procedures and my wife asks me:
Wife - “Can you go wait outside the procedure room so they give the baby to you instead of waiting on a nurse to free up and bring him?”
Me - “No problem! I’ll stand out there acting in-patiently!”
Wife - 😑
The getaway driver.
Oh wait. Nope, she's back. She just went for groceries.
Edit: People keep saying this is a repost. First, it was NOT intended to be a repost and second, I didn't know somebody else posted this joke as I couldn't find it between all the other posts, I tried making sure nobody else posted it before and I couldn't find it, so to whoever posted it first, credits to you. I was simply bored and tried to get a groan / chuckle out of some people, no more than that.
Just as he swings back his ax to begin his first chop, the tree cries out : "Wait! Don't cut me down! I am a talking tree!"
The lumberjack momentarily stunned stops, but then goes back to chopping down the tree saying, "Well then mate. I guess you're going to just have to dialog!"
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
Necks, please!
Exit the door. I've been waiting out here for hours.
(Authored by my 6yo)
When the lady in front of me looks at me and says.
Lady: That beer look real heavy.
Me: Well ma'am, it says right here on the box that it's light beer.
Sit tight
Mangoes does favorite restaurant, finds himself a table and places his order with a waiter. While he is sitting there waiting for his food a large black and white bear like mammal stands up, wipes some crumbs from the corners of his mouth, pulls out a gun, and fires a few rounds into the ceiling and the back wall of the dining room. When the waiter comes with the man's meal the man asks him, "What was that about?" The waiter replies, "Oh, that? That was a panda. It's in their nature. Look it up." The man pulls his phone out and searches "panda" the definition reads, "Panda a large black and white bear like mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.
Disclaimer: I love this one but the bad punctuation element of it peeves me a bit.
OK, when my first kid became cognizant, about two years old, I would wait until I could see the street light was going to turn green, just blow at it, and it would turn green. I never said a word. I would just do it.
After doing this for about a year or so, my daughter caught on and could not figure out how I was doing this.
She finally asked me, "Daddy Magic", of course.
She is now 31, and she still blows at street lights.
That is the real Daddy Magic.
She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.
The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.
After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.
Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.
When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.
A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.
I was recently at my brothers house and went into the bathroom and found this post and came out of the bathroom to my brother, his roommate and my gf (who is very tired of my antics) all sitting silently while he is playing a video game and the other two are scrolling. I recite the joke with a healthy pause before the punchline and my brother pauses his game and gets up from the couch to smoke a cigarette while I’m laughing hysterically. I then get up from the couch and follow him saying “No wait, get it, because…” and it was the hardest I’ve laughed in a very long time
He decides that it's boring and gets on his phone to kill time. He doesn't pay attention and the train collides with a train car that was left on the tracks killing all 70 of the passengers on board. At trial he is sentenced to death by electrocution and requests a singular banana. When he goes to the chair he is strapped in, but survives and is released because the judge thinks that the man was saved by God. The man gets a job at another station but gets bored and crashes that train killing all 80 passengers on board. He is once again sentenced to die and requests two bananas for his last meal and survives the electric chair again and is released. Once again he somehow gets a job conducting a train and this time he kills 90 people. He is once again sentenced to death but the guards refuse to give him bananas for his last meal because they think that he is somehow using them to survive. He is strapped in and the guards flip the switch but he still somehow survives. This time the judge decides to just sentence him to life, but just before he is taken to his cell the guard asks him.
"How have you been surviving all these times? I thought it was the bananas."
The man said: "Wait, you haven't found out yet? I'm just not a good conductor."
Last night I dreamt I was turning my handwriting into a custom font.
It started out normal with basic straight lines but by “Z” it had become a very ornate and filigreed design, reminiscent of the designs of monks in old bibles.
Someone watching me work then asked me what the font was called.
I responded: What’s a monk’s favourite font?
They shook their head and shrugged.
Me: MonastArial!
I started laughing but only received an exasperated sigh in return.
Me: Wait, I’ve got another one. How about GaraMonk? 🤣
Ahhhhnd I woke myself up because I was laughing so hard at my own joke and had to look up of Monastarial was a real word. It is.
...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.
"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichéd as it was, I said World Peace."
"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.
"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"
"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"
"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."
"Did it work??" asked the first man.
"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's £10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."
"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"
"I wished for a giant orange head."
True story. Yesterday he and I were peeling mangoes to make popsicles and ice cream. The peeler caught the tip of my finger and cut my nail just to bleeding short. So I yelled ow! And everyone said what!?
I showed them my finger and as they cringed I said - well I guess whoever gets the fingernail wins a prize!
Grossed out and groaning at the dad joke everyone walked away.
So the fingernail did not come off no one will really get it…but… wait for it… my son (11) in true +1 dad style humor says I’m going to put a piece of rice in one! I said oh son that is so good let’s put a piece of rice in each of them!
I was floored and I can’t wait for people to hit the rice grain while licking their popsicles and remembering “the fingernail”!
Some stories have hooks.
This story has a bloody good one.
It's about love—
Or at least marriage.
My marriage.
At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.
The hook's in the beginning.
Although it's really the tail end that's most moving—at least now, when our love's drying up.
Understand:
I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.
Well, I caught the man first.
I used Craigslist.
But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.
He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.
That's where the hook came in—
pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.
He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.
Like I said:
Bloody good hook.
After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.
Hold on, though.
I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.
The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.
It was love at first sight.
Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.
So back to when I was fishing:
I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.
I waited for her call.
It came.
She sounded so near to me.
When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the net—and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!
I took her ashore.
I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.
I screwed her—
shut.
For days I watched her bang—
on the glass.
Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.
Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.
Her gills are barely stirring.
Her face: dry and still.
It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.
I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a siren—but this thing is nothing
... keep reading on reddit ➡A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Papa balloon, Muma balloon and Bubba balloon.
Bubba balloon was still sleeping with Papa and Muma balloon but he was starting to get too big.
Papa and Muma balloon got a bedroom setup for Bubba balloon so they can finally sleep alone. But every night he would come in crying to sleep with Papa and Muma balloon but they never let up.
But one night, Bubba balloon waited for the Papa and Muma balloon to be faaaast asleep. He tried to squeeze in between them but he couldn't quite fit. Very carefully, he started to let some air out of Papa balloon... It wasn't enough. Very carefully, he let some air out of Muma balloon... But it still wasn't enough. He didn't want to deflate his parents any more... So he slowly let some air out of himself. It was perfect. He snuggled in and slept soundly.
The next morning, you could imagine how disappointed Papa and Muma balloon was. Papa balloon said: We tried to help you and tried to help you grow in toy a Big Boy balloon. We are so disappointed with you.
You let ME down... You let your Muma down... But most disappointing of all... You let yourself down!
A lumberjack went to a magic Forrest to cut down some trees for wood. He comes up to the first tree he sees and starts to chop it down. Suddenly the tree cries out “Wait! Don’t cut me down! I’m a magical talking tree!” The lumberjack replies “You may be a magic tree but you will dialogue!”
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo.
So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.
Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.
On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!
So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?"
So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?
There's no punchline.
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.
I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?
She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.
So I say, not yet I'm dirty.
She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:
Hi! um...
wait a sec,
um, I know um,
um, wait.... dir...
[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]
Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!
I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...
It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...
It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.
Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"
Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."
Judge: "ok.... then? "
Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."
Judge: "what?"
Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"
They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"
The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.
One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."
"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"
"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?
"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."
The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"
So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Café and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"
"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Edit (10/22/2014): Probably won't be seen or noticed by anyone, but my baby niece was just born today! She's on the opposite side of the country, but I can't wait to meet her!
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
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