The Wait Out Puns

I'm here on the swings.

on Sonday.

The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"

[We have just finished our meal]

Waiter/Waitress: Is there anything else I can get you?

Dad: Nope, that will be all, thanks.

[Waiter/Waitress hands us the bill]

Dad: I said I didn't want anything else...

"I'm saved!" I thought.

Then I saw it turn away and I remembered I hadn't paid my dues recently.

It was a Membership.

I work in long term healthcare and every year, we fill out a sheet that details what is Important To and Important For for every person that we support just to help keep things in perspective.

During our meeting, my supervisor said, "okay, that's the Important To. Let's move on to Important For.

I raised my hand and said, "Wait! You skipped Important Three!"

Then it dawned on me

A caretaker at Beethoven's grave was busy trimming around the headstone when he heard a faint noise coming from the grave. He put his ear to the ground and, sure enough, he distinctly heard something

He called over his boss to come listen and find out if he heard the same thing. His boss heard something too, but he couldn't quite make it out

Fearing the supernatural, they called the local priest. The priest knelt down and put his ear to the ground as well. "Yes. I hear it," he said. "I think it's Beethoven's 9th symphony"

The priest called on Sister Mary Francis, because she was quite the Beethoven fan, always listening to his music on her headphones. She confirmed:

"Yes, it is the 9th symphony that you hear. Wait a minute. Now I hear the 8th symphony. And now the 7th!"

The priest's face went stark white as he exclaimed, "Oh, Lord. Beethoven is decomposing!"

Somehow he manages to weave through traffic and lands a punch so hard the nun hits the deck spitting teeth.

"HAH!!" shouts Dad.. "NOT SO TOUGH AFTER-ALL EH, BATMAN??!!!!"

The monk told him but sir, you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?

The man said, " just lead me to the bell and I'll show you."

So they walked up the long stairwell that led to the top of the belfry. Once at the top, the man walked over to the bell to get a good look at it. He then proceeded back up against the furthest wall and leapt into a sprint, face first into the bell.

He plummeted 65 feet below to his death. Tragically, no sound came from the bell.

When the police arrived an hour later, they asked the monk if he knew the man.

The monk simply said, "No. His face doesn't ring a bell either."

But wait, there's more...

The next day another man with no arms showed up at the monastery and told the monk "Yesterday the man who died here was my brother. This was his lifelong dream. If it's ok with you, I'd like to try just once for him."

The monk certainly couldn't refuse and slowly led the man up the long stairwell.

Once at the top the man walked over to the bell. He kissed the spot where his brother's face hit the bell just a day before and walked back to the edge of the furthest wall.

The priest watched in horror as once again a man hurled himself face first towards the bell, but at the last minute the man tucked his chin, stopped at the last moment and slammed his head into the side of the bell.

The bell rang with the loudest clang the countryside had heard in years. In fact, it was so loud the man cried out in agonizing pain, lost his balance and fell to his death below.

Once again the police showed up, and once again asked the monk if he knew the man's name to which the monk replied, "no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I'll show myself out.

Good night

I'm training for this ahead of time.

Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.

Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.

Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.

Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Edit #5: I'm about to start training.

Get the kar-ma!

I’ll see myself out.

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

Guy gets pulled over for speeding. The officer asks to see his license. The driver replies "sorry, don't have one. Never passed my test." The officer then asks to see the car registration. The man replies "about that, this car is actually stolen."

The officer, now a little on edge, asks whose car it is. The man replies "some old lady's. She's tied up in the boot". The officer immediately calls for back up and waits for them to arrive.

The next officer approaches the car and asks the man for some ID. The man pulls out his driver's license. The officer then asks to see his registration. The man hands over the registration and everything checks out. Finally, he asks the man to pop the boot. There was nothing inside.

Absolutely perplexed, the officer explains to the man that the first officer reported that he'd stolen the car and kidnapped the owner. The man gasps and replies "I bet he told you I was speeding too!"

They were maid for each other.

My son wasn't doing well in the school he was in so my wife and I decided to pull him and try something else. I had a meeting with his new teacher to discuss curriculum and the things he will learn and I couldn't stop thinking about how attractive she was.

She caught me checking her out and seemed annoyed at first but then gave me a look that she liked it. I made my move and she responded positively. One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. It was really good and I can't wait to have sex with her again.

So I would say that homeschooling is going pretty well so far.

(Joke's not original. But i thought this sub would like this}

The getaway driver.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

OK, this technically isn't a dad joke, but it is the first time I've ever seen one of the granddaddies of all dad jokes work in the wild.

I was in PetSmart buying kitty litter. There was one checkout line open and a lot of people waiting. The woman in front of me was getting rung up when one of her items, a dog toy, didn't ring up. Now my first thought is always ALWAYS to say "well, I guess it's free then." But I also know most checkout clerks have heard it a billion times, so I read the room and decide not to say it. The woman that is checking out starts to get flustered because she doesn't want to be rude and keep all the rest of us waiting in line. The manager comes out to help and find the price. The woman keeps getting more nervous and agitated. (My wife has social anxiety and I know what it looks like.) So I look at the woman and the clerk and say, "OK, we've tried the bar code, and checking the system for the price, has anyone said "Well, I guess it must be free then?" I mean that's the next step in the process, right?" The lady and the clerk both chuckle a bit and the tension is broken. The manager heard me say it and was like, "Yep, it's free." The lady looked at her and blinked. The manager repeated herself. And the woman took the toy and left.

IT WORKED PEOPLE!!! THE DAD JOKE WORKED!!!

You are the only people who really know me inside out.

So, there's this guy on Tiktok who has been making fun of the French language... becasue sooooooo many words sound similar. So I was playing in google translate and came up with this outlandish sentence: Wait Tintin, your aunt and your uncle take so much of your time, you have so many horseflies and tuna in your tent.

When you hear the french translation you may get as much of a giggle out of it as I did. 😂

https://translate.google.com/?sl=fr&tl=en&text=Attends%20Tintin%2C%20ta%20tante%20et%20ton%20tonton%20t%27en%20tant%20tends%20ton%20temps%20tant%2C%20t%27en%20a%20autant%20de%20taons%20et%20thon%20dans%20ta%20tente.&op=translate

Necks, please!

Sit tight

A long time ago, there was a family with a number of sons and daughters. The youngest son's name was Steven Prise. Because there were so many other brothers and sisters, Steven didn't get attention from the family. To get people to notice him, he had to jump into rooms and yell his name. The people didn't like getting startled, but whatever, it's poor neglected Steven. Obviously, that's no way for a child to grow up, and Steven was aware of that. He told himself that one day, he was going to make something of his life!

He grew up and moved out of the house to forge his own path. Lo and behold, he was able to invent a new farming tool that doubled the harvest. This made him wealthy and the king wanted to honor him by knighting him. They go through the process and the king told Steven that since he's a knight, he should act distinguished, so no more jumping into rooms. Steven begged and the king said fine, but only one more time. He waited for the best opportunity, snuck up to the door, slowly opened it just enough, and then jumped in and yelled, "Sir Prise!"

After standing in line for a moment he comes up to a teller with the name tag Patrica Wack who asked him what he was looking for.

The frog takes a moment and says, “I’d like a loan of a million dollars.”

Patrica look at him in utter shock and says, “But you’re a frog… what is your collateral? How are you going to pay it back?”

The frog waits for her to stop speaking then states simply, “My father is Mick Jagger.”

“How can you prove it?“ Patrica instantly responded.

Responding to her incredulity, the frog pulls out a small porcelain porcupine and places it in front of her, allowing a moment of inspection. Soon she asks, “What does this mean?” Looking to the frog for an explanation.

“Ask your boss,” He says. “he’ll know.”

Then, without waiting even a moment he turned on his heels and walked out of the bank. Patrica, dumbfounded by the strange interaction put the small porcupine to the side of her desk and waited for the end of the day…

—————————

At the end of the day Patrica went to her boss and recounted the whole strange story about the frog and handed her boss the porcupine, asking, “So what is it anyway?”

Her boss looked at the small porcupine for a moment then looked back up at her before responding,

“That’s a knickknack Patty Wack, give that frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone.”

P.S. While it may not exactly be a dad joke as expected, I did hear it from my father, who put great emphasis into the importance of the story. Hope y’all enjoyed.

• "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
• "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
• "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
• "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
• "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
• "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
• "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
• "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
• "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
• "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
• "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
• "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
• "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
• "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
• "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
• "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
• "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
• "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
• "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
• "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
• "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
• "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
• "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
• "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
• "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
• "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
• "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
• "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
• "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
• "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
• "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
• "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
• "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
• "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
• "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
• "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
• "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
• "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
• "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
• "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
• "I hate pale ale," sai

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.

I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.

"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.

"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."

"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"

Old guy is a little hard of hearing and he talks loudLY. He checks in and the receptionist says

R: What is it you want to see the doctor about?

M: (loudly) MY PENIS

R: Oh sir, this is a family practice and there are children in the waiting area, you cannot say that word where little ears hear everything! You should say EAR or something, and then discuss the actual matter with the doctor in private. So now, what is it you want to see the doctor about?

M: MY EAR

R: (smiling coyly and nodding) And what exactly is wrong with your ear?

M: I CAN'T PEE OUT OF IT.

One weekend, my son, 21 at the time was spot on with dad jokes/comments all weekend. Sunday after church I was cleaning up lunch dishes and his mother was folding laundry. He made a perfect joke and instead of laughing I asked "Is Holly (his girlfriend) pregnant?" He and his mom both stopped dead in their tracks and simultaneously said "What?!?!?!". I said that his jokes were so on point something had to be going on... We all laughed.

Fast forward two days later. I took my son and his girlfriend to lunch. We ordered and while we were waiting, my son says "You know all of those dad jokes I have been making?" Me "Yeah, why?" Him "Well, I'm gonna be a dad!" Holly punched him in the arm and said "I can't believe you told him like that!"

There was a conversation about money and sleepless nights and what next, but we will support you any way we can. After our conversation my son asked if I would tell his mom since she works with Holly's dad and her parents found out earlier that day. Heck NO I won't tell your mother!!

TL;DR My son made dad jokes. I asked if his girlfriend was pregnant. She was.

A piece of string walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey.
"We don't serve your kind here", says the bartender.
The string walks out and waits... a boy scout walks by.
"Please tie me into a bow", asks the string. The scout obliges.
"Please undo my ends", asks the string. Again, the scout assists.
The string says thanks and walks back into the bar and sits down.
"Aren't you the same string I just threw outta here?"
"I'm a frayed knot; I'll have a whiskey."

Oh wait. Nope, she's back. She just went for groceries.

Edit: People keep saying this is a repost. First, it was NOT intended to be a repost and second, I didn't know somebody else posted this joke as I couldn't find it between all the other posts, I tried making sure nobody else posted it before and I couldn't find it, so to whoever posted it first, credits to you. I was simply bored and tried to get a groan / chuckle out of some people, no more than that.

I just wanted to give myself props/receive props because the other day at work (parks & rec) this guy brought an alligator to show the kids. He walked over to me, I pet it & as he turned around, I said “See ya later Alligator” didn’t realize I was waiting my whole life for that moment. Then the guy said he has birds at home & that he was worried his cat would go after them, but it’s the other way around. Then my coworker goes “SOUNDS LIKE A…- SCAREDY CAT” & then this one person had their dog at the event who ate a caterpillar on the ground and event was interrupted by them & the owner got it out of their dogs mouth, the owner said “Sorry, he got a caterpillar” THEN the guy doing the event said “SOUNDS MORE LIKE A CANT-ERPILLAR TO ME”

Ahhh… was a good day.

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:

"If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.

Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it. Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!"

The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy klooked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another

and I love Italian, so I had to try it out. The menu was pretty standard fare, with one exception - “Risotto”. No ingredients listed, just “Risotto, $15”. It didn’t seem to be a of-the-day dish (the pasta of the day was carbonara) so I asked the waiter, “What’s in this?”

“Mushroom,” he told me. I waited for more explanation, but when it didn’t seem to be coming, I decided to investigate for myself instead. “I’ll have that, then.”

A short while later my dish was brought out to me. It was a single, large grilled mushroom (with butter). I politely stopped the waiter before he left. “Excuse me, what in the world is this dish?”

The waiter smiled patiently, saying. “Sir, it is a Mushroom Spelt Risotto.”

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

The friar took them all up one at a time and handed them the hammer to hit the church bells with.

The muscular man grabbed the hammer in one hand, slammed it into the bell, and nearly shattered both with the force behind the swing. The friar said that they’ll have to keep looking.

The frail man could barley pick up the hammer. He swung it pitifully, and managed to ting the bell. The friar just shook his head and chuckled, thanking the man for coming.

The average sized man refused the hammer. Before the friar could question it, the man reared his head back and slammed it into the bell, producing a ring of such pure tone and quality it brought a tear to the friar’s eye. While he was wiping the tear from his face, the man, stumbling from the impact of skull to bell, accidentally tripped and fell off the bell tower to his death.

Well, the townsfolk had heard the beautiful bell, and a small crowd had gathered beneath the bell tower around the man’s body.

Collectively, they said “Who is he Friar? What happened?”

The friar shook his head sadly and said

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell”

BUT IT ISN’T OVER CAUSE THEY STILL NEED A BELL RINGEE ROUND TWO KIDDOS HERE WE GO!!

So the next morning, when the friar opened the doors in the morning, a man approached him and said “Friar, you don’t know me, but the man who died yesterday was my brother. I’d be honored if you’d let me ring the bell today in his honor.”

The friar nodded and let the new man up the bell tower, handing him the hammer.

With a nightly swing, the man slammed the bell, producing again a high quality ringing tone. Unfortunately, he slipped while off balance and fell off the bell tower too and died.

Again, people were gathered around and they all asked as one “Who is he, Friar, what happened?”

The friar looked at them all in turn and said “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”

When the lady in front of me looks at me and says.

Lady: That beer look real heavy.

Me: Well ma'am, it says right here on the box that it's light beer.

OK, when my first kid became cognizant, about two years old, I would wait until I could see the street light was going to turn green, just blow at it, and it would turn green. I never said a word. I would just do it.

After doing this for about a year or so, my daughter caught on and could not figure out how I was doing this.

She finally asked me, "Daddy Magic", of course.

She is now 31, and she still blows at street lights.

That is the real Daddy Magic.