The Other Puns

Man, that took me back

I think her name was Eilene.

I’ll keep it. It might come in handy.

There’s a new serif in town.

Because there's more birds on that side.

How do you drive this?

(¬_¬) “what?”

Oh, I'm a huge metal fan.

I’m sure he’ll come around.

Amy Smoller

It was the least I could do for him.

Dinner's on me

Between you and me man, something smells.

He was okay, it was light beer.

i forgot i left a pizza in the oven…

Apparently, it was charged with stalking.

I guess I just didn't understand the gravity of the situation..

And?

Now, I'm no sophisticate, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that I can't speak a lick of French. Knowing this would pose some problems at a French restaurant, I made my illiteracy abundantly clear to our server before hand. So I requested him to be a little more patient with our table on account of my being an uncultured oaf.

Straight away, I had difficulties locating the apps on the menu, which, let me add, was entirely in French. Hoping that our server might give me a hand, I asked him if he could point out where I could find the appetisers on the menu. Instead of answering my sincere question, the waiter tapped the menu rather briskly and said, "Order". Slightly taken aback, I replied, "Pardon?". "ORDER", came the brusque reply. Now, I'm not particularly clever in tense situations, so I repeated the question again, hoping for a slightly more helpful answer. For some reason, our waiter took particular offense at this, and went, "ORDERV, ORDERV, READ THE DAMN MENU. WE HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS TOO, YOU KNOW!". Now, I'm not a particularly prideful person, but even I have some dignity, so we thanked the waiter and excused ourselves.

TLDR; Our rude waiter kept ordering me, an idiot, to order off the menu, instead of telling us where the goddamn appetisers were.

Nothing, they just waved. They’ll sea each other again

I thought how dairy

Who was the first man to moon on the land.

Turns out they do not like Mexican food

loop

I guess I should come clean about it

More geese.

I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody

When you are gone you will be mist, but I will never foget you.

Gluten Tak.

I'll meet you at the corner.

Two clothespins held up a shirt

Let me get this straight

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. So I took him out; had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he's a web designer.

That was the end of that discussion.

The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"

Everyone

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

'Sorry, that was my fault"

She was a four-chin teller.

He came in clean

Dad pulls out his phone to check the weather app, and says to me, "Surely it isn't going to rain today."

To our shock, his phone replied loudly, "Yes, it will. And don't call me Shirley."

"Sorry son, I left it in airplane mode", dad apologized.

Get a life.

... they were on their last legs.

A policeman spotted one of them and started asking questions. “What is your name?” the officer asked. “Shut up” the boy replied. “I’ll ask you one more time what is your name?” said the Officer. “Shut up.“ The boy replied. “Are you looking for trouble?“ The officer asked. The boy replied “yes.“

and here are the unstables.

Which proves the old saying: Loo slips, sink chips.

It was the least I could do for him.

"So, how do we drive this thing?"

Dinners on me