Being the new guy can suck
What did the new car sales guy say when the customer asked about the cargo space?
“No. No. This car go road.”
(saw a meme with this awhile back. Gets me every time)
Have you guys checked the news today?
You guys hear about the new rock band that has 4 men but don’t sing?
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Did you guys hear about the new element that was created (Ah)
Did you guys hear about the new Space Jam sequel where Marvin the Martian joins the Monstars, scores all of their points and they win it all?
You should check it out, it’s a really good Martian Scores’easy film
Did you hear that the Indian restaurant hired a new delivery guy?
He’s a top-notch curry-er.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
Did you hear about the new Halloween movie where the guy screams his lungs out?
Have you guys heard about those new corduroy pillowcases in the news?
I'm sure you have, they're really making head lines.
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop coughing when he went to try his new suit?
A guy was watching the news and saw that a famous celebrity had died. He called his friend to let him know.
Jim: Did you hear that Reece Whats-her-name died while eating a bowl of soup?
Joe: No way! Witherspoon???
Jim: Yes, of course.
I bought a brand-new top-of-the-line string trimmer of a guy on craigslist for only $20
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Me and some other guys like to get together at the local supermarket to show off our rare breed black-feathered chickens. New guy today mustn't have understood because...
There was an unexpected white hen in the bragging area
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
Ok guys. Time to rally together to help a fellow new dad out. I’m MCing a wedding and need the worst of the worst wedding themed dad jokes you have to offer.
Sorry I’m advance if this isn’t allowed.
You guys heard about the new dinosaur specie with no eyes?
Scientists name them Idontthinktheysaurus
Did you guys hear of the new documentary about perforated paper?
Did you guys see the new Adventures of Tin Tin movie? His soul gets removed from his body and put into an industrial drum fan.
I'd rate it tin out of tin. Big fan
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
What do you call a really hairy guy who is new to the army
I'm in the middle of developing a new game. This guy came to life today and I just love his character so much!
Did you guys hear about the new shovel?
*after the train had had trouble stopping in the right spot for multiple consecutive stops* Mom: I guess the guy driving is new.
Dad: Maybe he's a trainee.
Did you guys hear about the new cemetery in town?
People are just dying to get in there
Did you guys hear the news an ape opened a tanning salon in Bangkok I know heard he named it “A Range Of Tans”
Help me guys! I tried to film a cake being baked, with my new camera, but when I turned on the oven, it broke
I swear that it said the camera could record in 360 degrees, on the box
Edit: corrected a typo
You guys seen the new Creed trailer?
My friend recently got t-boned in his new car after winning the lottery. I asked him if he was a glass half full or glass half empty type of guy. He responded
Medium-well.
Edit: over-medium is for eggs
You hear about the guy with new limbs?
Did you guys watch the news? Someone poured oil all over a major Jordanian city and heated it up.
The new guy at work is named Kelvin.
I asked him if he was a temp.
He said no.
I said, "Cool."
Did you guys hear about the new corduroy pillows that were invented?
They’re making headlines everywhere.
I started talking to the new guy at work about the Titanic
It was a terrible icebreaker.
Did you hear about the guy who got a new boomerang for his birthday?
He spent the next two days trying to throw the old one away.
I hope these guys weed out the competition with their new business endeavor
Why is there no new guy at the animal doctor’s office?
Guy and his wife at the store,looking for a new ironing board
Wife: look this one makes it so you only have to iron 1 side
Guy: so if we bought 2 we wouldn’t need an iron?
Did you guys hear that story on the news about the little Russian doll who robbed the big Russian doll?
I heard it was an inside job
I heard on the news there was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars
The cops are working tirelessly to catch him
(Got it from r/memes)
So did you guys here about the new graveyard that just opened?
People are just dying to get in.
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