How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?

On the apocalypse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysmmfz1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.

But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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A boy leaned over to steal a kiss from his girl, but she was leaning over to steal a kiss at the same time.

They both made out like bandits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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The cleanest way to greet a member of the band Kiss

Is to say β€œHygiene!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DutchBlob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotter66
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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You shouldn't kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citiesofsilver
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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Why did the diode kiss the capacitor?

He couldn't resistor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boobeepbop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
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The band Kiss decided to release their own pants clothing line.

It's called Jean Simmons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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Anyone have any good rhymes about girls who kiss on the first date?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tree-Face
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2017
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Have you heard about the disease you get from kissing birds ?

It's called Chirpies. It's a canarial disease. It's untweetable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Why were the paleontologists kissing?

They were carbon dating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gameboy90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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What type of flowers are the best at kissing?

Tulips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurboAxolotl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.

It was the alpaca-lips.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.

Turns out he was a neck romancer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zonecontroljokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Rimshot

The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, β€œIf you want a good spot in the line up, you’ll have to suck up to the club manager.”

β€œNo way! I’m no brown noser. In fact, I’m writing this into my next routine, that’ll show her.”

He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.

The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the club’s manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.

The old comedian was astonished and asked, β€œWhat happened?”

β€œWell I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissed”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigfootNick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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A conductor kissed a girl in his bus, police took the conductor to jail and gave him electric shocks but it had no effect. Why?

because he was a bad conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JingaLaLahuu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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I saw a couple kissing at the eiffle tower.

I guess they were french kissing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brukfalcon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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One of the seven dwarves kissed a giraffe yesterday.

Apparently the other six put him up to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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A lot of the girls i hook up with like kissing in the rain

But those are just my shower thots

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Det_Wun_Gai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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After an argument I apologized to my wife for giving her all the butterfly kisses.

I told her I was just lashing out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What did the Sun say when the Moon kissed it?

"Eek! Lips!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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I now pronounce you husband and wifi

You may kiss the bride goodbye.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rricenator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Kissing Under The Missile Toe
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TopNotchBanter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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Bonnie and Clyde got a great deal at the kissing booth.

They made out like bandits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasekj919
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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Did you hear about all the people getting sick from kissing their pet chickens?

All it took was one peck.

My girlfriends dad everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lagwagoner
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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I met a rancher who told me the apocalypse would soon be upon me.

Moments later an animal kissed me, that’s when I realized he’d said the Alpaca lips would soon be upon me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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[need help] I have to host a fake wedding and I wanna fill my sermon with as much puns as possible

I think I'll start with "What is love? Baby don't hurt me", but then I have to say "we're gathered here today, ect.." and finish with "you may now kiss the bride",

It'll last about 1 minute, and I wanna really embarrass them. Any ideas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TBSdota
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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My Girlfriend is the best...

She has beautiful long black hair, flowing half way down her back...

Not on her head but half way down her back.

Her teeth are so even!

1, 3, 5, and 7 are missing.

At night I would take her into the corn field and kiss her between the ears...

One night it was extremely foggy outside and I mist.

Basically, you could tell she was a farmers daughter because it was hard to "a tractor"

Sometimes I call her (knob) because she is one to adore.

Even wrote her a song entitled "How can I love you if you never go away"

The best...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wicked-Spade
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Two men on a bus back from Disney World

Two men on a bus back from Disney World saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. They debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee. Things got heated so they agreed to ask the cashier when they stopped for lunch.

After approaching the cashier, one man asks, β€œCould you please very slowly and clearly tell us where we are?”

The cashier looks at him and says β€œBuuurrrgggerr Kiiiinggghh.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegeneral400
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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my wife's long con

Not exactly a dadjoke, but she learned from the best.

So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think "Leoni" (the Lioness) and "Falc" (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about 4 years ago.

While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said:

"I have been waiting for this so long!"

"Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo?"

"No, honey, to .... take our zoo to the zoo!"

*groan*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Horst665
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Γ‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

LΓ©mon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con GruyΓ©re

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kat_fogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Don't kiss anyone today, it's only the first date.
πŸ‘︎ 551
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElkoSteve
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Do you kiss on the first date?

What about the first raisin?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/topderp1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
What type of flowers are the best for kissing?

Tulips!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report

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