A list of puns related to "The Kiss"
On the apocalypse.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
They both made out like bandits.
Is to say βHygiene!β
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
He couldn't resistor.
It's called Jean Simmons.
It's called Chirpies. It's a canarial disease. It's untweetable.
They were carbon dating
Tulips
It was the alpaca-lips.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, βIf you want a good spot in the line up, youβll have to suck up to the club manager.β
βNo way! Iβm no brown noser. In fact, Iβm writing this into my next routine, thatβll show her.β
He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.
The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the clubβs manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.
The old comedian was astonished and asked, βWhat happened?β
βWell I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissedβ
because he was a bad conductor.
I guess they were french kissing.
Apparently the other six put him up to it.
But those are just my shower thots
I told her I was just lashing out.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him βThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.β He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining βjingle bellsβ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. βRudolphβ βFrosty the Snowmanβ βDrummer Boyβ even βI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausβ in the best impersonations heβs ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β No no honey this works watchβ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. βNO honey it really works watch!β βIm going to bed, Merry Christmasβ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. βWAIT Honey, one more time, please!β He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out βCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREβ
"Eek! Lips!"
A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because theyβve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his βpromposalβ special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!
Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that sheβs always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.
The night of the prom, heβs extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesnβt return his feelings? What if she thinks heβs a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.
They get to the prom and heβs even more anxious. Itβs dark, itβs loud, itβs crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks itβs finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying sheβs always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if sheβd like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?
He feels like heβs walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesnβt have to wait too long at the refreshments table.
He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?
There was no punch line.
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
They made out like bandits.
All it took was one peck.
My girlfriends dad everyone.
Moments later an animal kissed me, thatβs when I realized heβd said the Alpaca lips would soon be upon me.
I think I'll start with "What is love? Baby don't hurt me", but then I have to say "we're gathered here today, ect.." and finish with "you may now kiss the bride",
It'll last about 1 minute, and I wanna really embarrass them. Any ideas?
Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.
First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.
Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didnβt scare the other children."
Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didnβt have to kiss her goodbye"
Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"
Those darn ex wives. "Iβm so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."
Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."
There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said βMike, come over, nobody's home.β So I went to her house and she was right, there wasnβt anybody there."
That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"
Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."
Thank you for your time.
She has beautiful long black hair, flowing half way down her back...
Not on her head but half way down her back.
Her teeth are so even!
1, 3, 5, and 7 are missing.
At night I would take her into the corn field and kiss her between the ears...
One night it was extremely foggy outside and I mist.
Basically, you could tell she was a farmers daughter because it was hard to "a tractor"
Sometimes I call her (knob) because she is one to adore.
Even wrote her a song entitled "How can I love you if you never go away"
The best...
Two men on a bus back from Disney World saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. They debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee. Things got heated so they agreed to ask the cashier when they stopped for lunch.
After approaching the cashier, one man asks, βCould you please very slowly and clearly tell us where we are?β
The cashier looks at him and says βBuuurrrgggerr Kiiiinggghh.β
Not exactly a dadjoke, but she learned from the best.
So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think "Leoni" (the Lioness) and "Falc" (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about 4 years ago.
While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said:
"I have been waiting for this so long!"
"Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo?"
"No, honey, to .... take our zoo to the zoo!"
*groan*
When Harry Met Salad
What About Ke-Bob
Cumin to America
Weekend at Bearneaise II
Steakin I, II, & III
A Few Good Salmon
Youβve Got Kale
Shawshank Re-Dim Sum
Romancing the Scone
An Γclair to Remember
Roman Hollandaise
Glazed and Confused
Bill & Tedβs Eggcellent Adventure
The Evil Bread
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp
Fondue the Right Thing
Ribeyes Wide Shut
Mignons
Plante of the Grapes
Spider Manchu
Sushis All That
A Wok to Remember
Marsala-la Land
Apocalypse Cow
Die Chard
Die Chard with a Vinaigrette
Hoganβs Gyros
The Sand Latkes
A League of their Macaroni
Revenge of the Curds
Rush SβMore
Braising Arizona
Demolition Ham
10 Things I hate About Ewe
Saladin
Oliver and Com-penne
Dirty Rotten Chanterelles
Sex and the Satay
The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs
Morella Enchanted
Provolone Together
Clear and Pheasant Danger
The Big Chili
LΓ©mon: The Professional
Ava-Tartare
Hocous Pocous
High Fi-Deli Meat
Madagascargot
The Fifth Elementos
Muensters Inc.
Thereβs Something About Rosemary
I Am Ham
Quiche Lorraine Man
Barley & Me
Lentil Giants
Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married
Face Stroganoff
Con GruyΓ©re
Fast Times at Porridgemont High
Bok Choys in the Hood
Papillonion
Requinoa for a Dream
Serial Cardamom
What about the first raisin?
Tulips!
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