To kill a French vampire, you have to stab it in the heart with a baguette...
The concept is simple, but the process is painstaking.
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︎ Apr 17 2023
What's the best way to kill a spider with my foot?
And why does a spider have my foot?
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︎ Mar 31 2023
How do you kill the circus?
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︎ Apr 03 2023
A man convicted of Treason today said he wanted to kill the then Monarch. (True story)
He was found in the grounds of Windsor Castle carrying a crossbow. As police arrived he tried to make a bolt for it.
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︎ Feb 03 2023
I woke up this morning to find the cat had brought in his latest kill. Feathers and body parts all over. I cleaned it up before my wife woke. When I told her, she asked what kind it was.
I replied "dismemBIRD."
(True story, and she still hasn't left me after all these years).
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︎ Nov 01 2022
What's the fastest way to kill a circus?
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︎ Jan 07 2023
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud to kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
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︎ Oct 01 2022
How did Hercules kill the multi-headed serpent of Lerna?
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︎ Sep 14 2022
I have decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It should make my autobiography much more interesting.
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︎ Feb 12 2022
What does the US government use to kill flies?
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︎ Sep 18 2022
Which is the reptile which can kill you with an AK-47?
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︎ Aug 02 2022
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...
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︎ Aug 25 2022
Why did the idea kill the vampire?
It dawned on him.
(my first original joke!)
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︎ Jul 25 2021
so my sons were arguing over dinner and my wife said to the youngest, "don't kill you brother, that would be fratricide". the oldest then said, "yes and if you kill your mom, that would be matricide"...
the youngest then said (deliberately) "hey...my mom doesn't have a mattress in her eyes!"
I do apologise....proud dad moment.
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︎ Jul 17 2022
My wife spotted a black spider with an hour glass figure in the living room. She asked me to take it out rather than kill it. I thought it was an odd request, but I wined and dined it late into the night.
Itβs now month later, and I have to explain to my wife why we have hundreds of black widow babies.
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︎ Jul 15 2022
A convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to kill a cow in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this this is the first recorded case of a Knick Knack Paddy Wack.
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︎ Feb 11 2022
Whatβs the only thing a vegan can kill?
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︎ Apr 01 2022
Car makers wanted to install emergency engine kill switches on all motor vehicles, but the idea proved to be unpopular.
People considered it a real turn-off.
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︎ Jun 06 2022
The monkeypox virus won't kill you.
But it will drive you bananas.
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︎ May 23 2022
The best way to kill vampires is to set out a few trays of snacks laced with silver.
Itβs called Buffet the Vampire Slayer.
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︎ May 22 2022
A play on words with bind torture kill the serial killer. Iβm getting dumber
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︎ Feb 13 2022
why did the fence kill the man?
He did it in self-de fence
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︎ May 07 2022
Did you hear about the new menu item at the Road Kill CafΓ©?
They now have an Impossumble Burger
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︎ May 25 2022
My wife spent all night trying to kill the fruit fly buzzing around.
I told her it was a fruitless endeavor. She wasnβt having it.
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︎ Mar 29 2022
Why did the frog kill someone?
Because he wanted to Kermit murder.
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︎ Apr 03 2022
Why did the mechanic kill his wife?
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︎ Oct 28 2021
My wife just saw a spider in the house and told me to go kill itβ¦β¦.
I told her couldnβt because he is a famous web designerβ¦
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︎ Nov 17 2021
Sis: "Ewww! There's a Bug on the Floor. Can you kill it, bro?"
Me: "Hmm, looks like a Fly, but it's not able to fly around."
Sis: "Then, it's a Walk."
Credit to my sis!
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︎ Sep 26 2021
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I went back in time to kill the person that made bread.
Now he yeasts to exist.
One I came up with myself
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︎ Oct 16 2020
How do you "kill the lights"?
You hang them from the ceiling
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︎ Oct 21 2020
(True story) My GF asked me to kill a spider in the bathroom today.
It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.
"How did you even see that?" I asked.
And she answered, "With my spider-sense."
I love this woman so, so much.
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Why did the socialist kill all the average workers at his factory?
He wanted to cease the means of production
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︎ Sep 05 2020
The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.
It was a giant missed stake.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
What did the sniper say when asked why he couldn't kill his target when he realized it was his long lost best friend?
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︎ May 01 2020
How did the English teacher kill her self - cliff hanger!
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︎ Apr 21 2020
Why did the scientist researching death and the afterlife kill himself?
He was dying to know what happens.
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︎ Jun 13 2020
Look at that guy Russian to kill the joke
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︎ Jul 04 2019
Why did the French chef want to kill himself?
He lost the huile d'olive.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
In the movies, silver bullets can kill werewolves.
In the military, it's used for analyzing heat casualties.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
To kill a French vampire you need to impale it through the heart with a baguette.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
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︎ May 11 2022
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.
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︎ Aug 22 2019
The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.
The process is a little painstaking.
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︎ Oct 20 2020
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests donβt just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
π︎ 314
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︎ Aug 06 2018
What's the best way to kill a circus?
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 18 2020
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