I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
I bought a pair of shoes from this drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping the whole day.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didnβt want to make a spectacle.
π︎ 274
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
5 puppies were stolen from the pet shop yesterday....
Police are warning people to look out for anyone selling hot dogs.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
I woke up yesterday to find that my wife had invited a bunch of journalists from Paris to help make breakfast..
I didn't mind. I love coffee from the French Press.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
My dad got sacked from the roads for stealing yesterday after twenty years.
I couldn't believe it at first but when I got home all the signs were there.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 16 2020
Yesterday, someone stole every single toilet from the Local Police Station.
Today, detectives still have nothing to go on.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 03 2020
I took my surgeon friend to an ochestra night yesterday - It went from good to great when he excitedly told me his favourite part was coming up...
... I had no idea he was such a big fan of that organ solo..!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 10 2020
Viagra worth thousands of dollars was stolen from the pharmacy yesterday.
They are looking for hardened criminals.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 07 2020
I got fired from my job yesterday
...at the mirror factory.
Reflecting back on it, I can't see myself working there now.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 20 2019
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently youβre not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say βget a load of this guyβ every time someone walks in.
π︎ 139
π
︎ Jun 12 2019
More puns from class yesterday but I waited until today because spooky month
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 01 2019
My idiot friend was caught shoplifting from the bakery yesterday.
He has done stupid things before, but this one really takes the cake.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
Bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday, got him home and the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
The CEO of Honda was fired yesterday, and had to be physically removed from his office
He didnβt want to leave on his own Accord.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 08 2019
I ordered some herbs from Amazon yesterday...
If they arrive, I'll be able to prove Thyme-travel is possible
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 19 2019
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 21 2019
By the way. I was hit with a huge piece of animal muscles from outer space yesterday. I used it to make steaks after.
I was hit by a meaty-ore.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 24 2019
I just saw Bumblebee yesterday and I have to say, the difference in quality from it to the previous Transformers movies is Knight and Bay.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 25 2019
Dad-joked my son when I picked him up from school yesterday.
Me: Did you hear about the soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
My Son: Nope.
Me: He's a seasoned veteran.
My Son: Ugh...
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 23 2013
My wife came downstairs this morning and laughed, "You had too much to eat yesterday and you've got a hangover, don't you?!" "You don't get a hangover from eating too much!" I challenged.
She dug, "You do! For goodness sake, loosen your belt, it's disgusting!"
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 27 2018
Yesterday i carries a house from london to machester
People ask how I did it I said it was only a lighthouse
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 08 2019
A string goes into the bar and the bartender tells him, βWe donβt serve your kind hereβ the string then leaves, twists himself up and parts his hair, coming back to the bar, the bartender then asks, βArenβt you the string from yesterday?β
The string replies, βIβm a frayed knotβ
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 23 2018
Yesterday I saw a pic from an article on reddit
Today I decided to.. Readit
By tomorrow I'll have "reddit"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 13 2019
I flew home to Canada from Europe yesterday. I woke up this morning and said to my dad "my arms hurt. I'm not sure why. I feel like I worked out or something". Without skipping a beat, my dad:
"Huh. Must be from all that flying you did"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 16 2018
Girlfriend said her foot hurts from walking so much yesterday.
"I guess trouble is afoot."
"Maybe you should see a doctor. Unless you don't want to foot the bill."
"Or maybe your foot is just hungry. I can hear it going 'feet me, feet me!"
π︎ 44
π
︎ Oct 13 2017
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her...
So I hit her over the head with my X-Box...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 01 2018
I spent my night yesterday rediscovering a British ska band from the 70s
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 11 2018
So a full long truck load was stolen from outside the cookie factory yesterday...
If it was the Italian job, they'd bi-skittering half over the drink right now.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 08 2018
Dad joke orbital strike from yesterday.
Christmas dinner, 2013. My mother in law is asked if she'd like some wine, is offered choices, Pinot Grigio, Mulled Apple or Cabernet. She's indecisive for a minute or so. Eventually, she settles on the apple wine. Her father comments, "well that sure took a long time."
I retorted with, "Well, she had to mull it over for a bit."
Simultaneously, 4 generations of women roll their eyes at me, while the guys all laugh.
π︎ 282
π
︎ Dec 26 2013
Yesterday, as I brought in the dogs from a potty break in our Minnesota backyard before we went to the grocery store, my wife asked me to reminder her to pick up some frozen peas. I told her..
..."The backyard is full of them, we don't need any more!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 18 2018
Asked to borrow a belt from my dad yesterday...
I asked my Dad if I could borrow his brown belt. He said sure, but when I tried it on the prong went 4in past the last hole.
Me: "Dad, it's too big"
Dad: "What? Let me see that."
puts belt on himself and hooks into the second loop
Dad: "I don't know what you're talking about, this fits just fine"
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jun 16 2015
Yesterday there was a guy stealing stuff from my kitchen
He was busted since he was pan-nicking
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 16 2017
So I got back from college yesterday.
I walk in and my dad tells me to turn around, so I do. "Glad to see your back."
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 15 2013
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasnβt putting in enough shifts
π︎ 143
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
π︎ 99
π
︎ Feb 28 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 22 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I didn't put enough shifts.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 135
π
︎ Jun 11 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Aug 02 2019
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with
but I've been tripping all day
π︎ 548
π
︎ Mar 08 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday...
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Jun 02 2019
Got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasnβt putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 24 2019
A toilet was stolen from a police station yesterday.
The cops have nothing to go on.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Sep 16 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Mar 30 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 24 2019
So I bought some new shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I donβt know what he laced them with but Iβve been tripping all day
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 10 2019
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday...
Apparently you're not supposed to nudge your co worker and say 'get a load of this guy' every time someone walks in.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 12 2019
Yesterday, I bought A Pair Of Shoes From A Drug Dealer...
... I don't have a clue what he laced them with, but I have been tripping hard!
π︎ 201
π
︎ Oct 25 2017
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
