I got fired from the sperm bank yesterdayβ¦
Turns out youβre not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, βGet a load of this guyβ every time someone walks in.
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︎ Feb 04 2023
Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing this paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
Ornithological Behaviourists wondered if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of lorry kills versus car kills. They quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".
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︎ Dec 31 2022
A teacher was fired from her job yesterday, and has voiced concerns that she was only fired because sheβs cross-eyed.
/r/TwoSentenceComedy/commβ¦
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︎ Jan 25 2023
I was fired from my bank teller job, yesterday.
A woman wanted to check her balance, so I pushed her.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 10 2023
My kid yesterday morning, listening to us whispering about his presents from across the house:
βI can hear you guys. You might say that Iβmβ¦ Christmas Evesdropping.β I love this kid.
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 26 2022
Yesterday, a big cat escaped from the nearby zoo
Trust me, I ain't lion.
I'd puma pants if I found it...
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 19 2022
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday
As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
π︎ 154
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︎ Aug 31 2022
The TV weatherman who only talked about hazy and frosty road conditions was fired from the network yesterday.
No more mist an' ice guy.
π︎ 31
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︎ Oct 06 2022
Picked up a book about beekeeping from the library yesterday.
I'm excited to see what the buzz is about.
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 16 2022
Yesterday I was fired from the keyboard factory....
Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts π€·
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︎ May 11 2022
From my 9 year old yesterday...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To visit the idiot...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The chicken.
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︎ Mar 21 2022
I got dishonourably discharged from the Navy yesterday for accidentally boarding a different vessel.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jun 15 2021
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
π︎ 19
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︎ Mar 12 2022
I got fired from Subway yesterday for accidentally giving a customer the incorrect sandwich
π︎ 347
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︎ Jun 15 2021
My co-worker got fired from our massage place yesterday.
I can see how he was rubbing people the wrong way.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 17 2022
I (Australian dad) have been playing chess remotely against my primary school pen-pal (from Czech Republic) for almost 2 decades. I finally beat him yesterday!
π︎ 165
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︎ Jun 08 2021
I saw a magic tractor on my way home from work yesterday.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 24 2022
Got this from my dad yesterday: What do you call a patio with wings?
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︎ Jan 12 2022
Someone tried to steal my wreath of $100 bills from my door yesterday.
They got no R-E-S-P-E-C-T for a wreath 'a franklins.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 26 2021
I ran away from home yesterday disguised as a 20th century composer.
My family just reported me Messiaen.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 06 2021
I don't know why I was fired from my office yesterday!
I didn't even do anything at work!
π︎ 29
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︎ Aug 19 2021
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didnβt want to make a spectacle.
π︎ 272
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Yesterday I got a puncture on the highway, on the way home from work.
So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
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︎ Aug 17 2021
I took 2 aspirin pills yesterday and I ran away from my kids
Because I read the label and it said to keep away form children
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 29 2021
I went to a zoo yesterday, It was awful! there was no animals there apart from 1 dog
π︎ 11
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︎ May 25 2021
I received the same newspaper from New York that I got yesterday!
π︎ 7
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︎ May 13 2021
Dad-joked my son when I picked him up from school yesterday.
Me: Did you hear about the soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
My Son: Nope.
Me: He's a seasoned veteran.
My Son: Ugh...
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︎ Oct 23 2013
I woke up yesterday to find that my wife had invited a bunch of journalists from Paris to help make breakfast..
I didn't mind. I love coffee from the French Press.
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︎ Aug 03 2020
5 puppies were stolen from the pet shop yesterday....
Police are warning people to look out for anyone selling hot dogs.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Yesterday, someone stole every single toilet from the Local Police Station.
Today, detectives still have nothing to go on.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jan 03 2020
More puns from class yesterday but I waited until today because spooky month
π︎ 15
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︎ Oct 01 2019
Viagra worth thousands of dollars was stolen from the pharmacy yesterday.
They are looking for hardened criminals.
π︎ 21
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︎ Jan 07 2020
I got fired from my job yesterday
...at the mirror factory.
Reflecting back on it, I can't see myself working there now.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 20 2019
The CEO of Honda was fired yesterday, and had to be physically removed from his office
He didnβt want to leave on his own Accord.
π︎ 16
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︎ Jun 08 2019
My dad got sacked from the roads for stealing yesterday after twenty years.
I couldn't believe it at first but when I got home all the signs were there.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 16 2020
I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 20 2022
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jun 22 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasnβt putting in enough shifts
π︎ 143
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︎ Jun 13 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 48
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
π︎ 94
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︎ Feb 28 2020
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with
but I've been tripping all day
π︎ 544
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︎ Mar 08 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 137
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︎ Jun 11 2019
I bought a pair of shoes from this drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping the whole day.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently youβre not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say βget a load of this guyβ every time someone walks in.
π︎ 133
π
︎ Jun 12 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I didn't put enough shifts.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Feb 15 2020
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 73
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︎ Aug 02 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday...
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 33
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︎ Jun 02 2019
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Mar 30 2019
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